Purpose driven life: Day 1

100th time starting this book. Not gonna commit to daily, but I will commit to rediscovering my purpose from God.

Day 1: it's not about me.

How can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not me?

For me, teaching my kids more proactively about God is how I live this out. I know I also need to begin each day by saying good morning to God and reading His word. I have been doing much better and those days are different (in a good way). I'll ask myself why is this day better? Why am I okay with things that usually piss me off? It's because I set a foundation of my morning on Jesus.

One word - Day 2

Go

1. Why is it so hard to simplify life? Why is this life so complex?

•Hard to simplify when everything is labeled as a priority. (Who's priority?)

2. Why do you think we try to impress people with more rather than less?

•We associate having more with wealth and success, which often leaves us with less of the things we say "really matter" like time with loved ones or personal time.

3. What is God saying to you now about your One Word theme for the year? 

•A recurring theme or though since the start of the year: one day at a time. My mind has trouble thinking this way. I make plans, spreadsheets; I run through possible scenarios if I think one won't work. I get mad when plans have to change or cancel, so I am afraid to commit. I get sort of paralyzed thinking of the future, rather than continuing in the now.

...Commit some serious time to praying and asking God to speak to you.

Workout
Luke 10:42; Luke 18:22; Mark 10:21

One word - day 1

Go
1. What is God saying to you this past year?

• I need to address my anger. There is something deep in me that needs to be removed, like an undetected cancer that manifests in sneaky ways so I don't address the real issue.

• I need to stay confident. Be strong and courageous.

• I am cared for and I'm not the only one looking out for myself.

2. What area does God want to take hold of in your life and use for His glory?

•? I always have felt my hurts and stuggles were to be put to light for His glory, but - even as a dancer/artist - I didn't truly believe my talents were a blessing as much as my scars. It feels like God may be leading me towards a new truth.

3. How does God want to position you for the upcoming year?

• Forward. Surrounded. 

New realization and prayer

I don't like challenges. Real ones. Not the kind you know you can overcome; those are fine. I mean the ones that bring doubt and change and mess up my plans.

I consider myself flexible, but where is my heart? I consider myself resourceful, but can I remain joyful?

I want to be better at greeting  a challenge. I want to welcome it and walk towards it with confidence in myself that I can do it. That my first thought would be that God's plan is unfolding and my plan has always been blessedly obsolete at best.

If I grow in Faith, I will grow in flexibility. If I grow in Hope, I will grow in happiness. If I grow in Spirit, I will grow in strength.

Please pray for me.

Thanks! :)

*Jan 17, 2015 UPDATE*

I know someone is praying for me because I'm doing better. My mind goes back to this post, this prayer, and I have more peace and a little more patience. Continuing to move forward I hope! God is challenging me and showin me how much he believes I can handle.

*Aug 12, 2015 UPDATE*

I forgot about this post. I can honestly say I'm not as afraid of obstacles nowadays. I'm not a model of peace or faith but I can be hit with a problem or challenge and be ready to pray and make a decision. I think haha. Definitely less fear and less doubting myself in this area of life.

"I" does not exist

I don't have time to do much crafting. I've got ALL the stuff I need...except time. I wish I could have a space to do my thing. I honestly am not able to just start a project in a snap. I need to get in the zone. Plus if I get interrupted I honestly get frustrated and I - I can't even get these thoughts down without being rediculously interrupted.

---20 min later

Anyways it hurts and pisses me off when my hubby says I need to get rid of stuff cuz I don't use it like it's my choice that I don't get to have time to do the things I want to do. WTF. I don't have down time; it's called bed time, but I have to sleep when they do or I'm groggy on top of stretched thin and that is never a good day. I focus all on my kids because they should be the priority. I truly believe that and put my all into that. That's why all those I's above don't exist.

I seriously need to be back in Seattle surrounded by family and friends. I'm not healthy here ALONE in Hawaii. 

I exist there.

Being selfish (no.1)

I got tired of living my life by only following through with something based on guilt or anger. I didn't like that my actions or decisions were primarily based on other people; either I didn't it to make them happy, or I did it to hurt them. Or I would only have the motivation to get something done because I was channeling frustration into action.

Relationships guide our decisions but they should not completely govern them. I value being considerate and aware of others, but I despise being controlled or manipulated by others (as most of us do). 

So what did I do? Well I still struggle today with this sometimes - a lack of motivation or follow-through. However I have a better understanding of what I am responsible for: other peoples' feelings isn't one of them. Not that I don't care how my actions affect others, but it will not make my decision for me anymore. 

I know myself better too, and what I need or don't need, and I respect my own boundaries. For example, I can't remember the last time I over-committed myself to too many activities. I just don't say yes if I'm not 100% sure I'll have the time or energy to commit. Saying no is selfish, but sometimes that's okay.

Things I avoid in my diet (especially my kids!)

1. Artificial colors (including "caramel color") - So unnecessary most of the time! Annoying. Bad for you. No.

2. Carrageenan - Inflammation? Cancer? No thanks!

3. Hyrdogenated oils - Pretty hard to avoid but worth it to cut down in your most eaten items. 

4. MSG (aka autolyzed yeast extract, etc) - Extremely hard to avoid in all its forms but not impossible. It's worth the effort.

5. "Natural" and "Artificial" flavors - So natural it can't even be named...right. And artificial is just that: not real. Let's eat real flavors and real food. Please.

6. High fructose corn syrup - Too much of any sweetener is bad, but why make it worse? 

7. Non-organic apples, strawberries, raspberries...and most of the EWG's dirty dozen when possible. Pesticides = poison. Poison is bad for you.

8. GMO's - Less is mo' bettah. Buy organic when you can. Limit your non-organic items containing soy, canola and corn oil. Olive, sunflower, and coconut oils are great alternatives.

Reading labels is not obsessive! Since when is educating yourself a ridiculous thing to do? Knowing what you're eating is smart. Taking care of yourself and your children's bodies is responsible. Supporting products that agree with these values is common sense. 

Yesterday's devotionals...

I had started a post but must have not saved it before jumping up when the kids woke up and it's gone. :( I had a good ah-ha moment and I hope I can get the same notes down here again...

•slow down sometimes!

•Starting off with reading my bible is so hard, for me, but getting easier. I want it to be engrained in me. I know I need that time with God and the Word but I am so distracted all the time.

•Already seeing the difference in myself when I pursue my quiet time more diligently. My daily struggles are not as powerful over me.

I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words. (Psalm 119:147 ESV)

•learning to give him the daily battles not just remember the big wars.

Today's devotionals

•There's so much good that comes with the "bad" or hard parts of being a parent.

•Must continue to take notes as the beautiful things of life and children happen, so I can reflect on them when I'm down.

•My kids are a gift and truly answers to prayers I prayed to become a mom.

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there. (1 Samuel 1:27-28 ESV)

•Doing vs Being a witness... Not always about the activity of witnessing, but just being a witness from the inside out.

Dear booboo girl...

You're going to be a year old in about 48-hours. Holding you as you fell asleep tonight, it really started to sink in. You aren't a tiny baby anymore, you're a toddler already. You've been walking for a month now and you're so eager and independent when we go places now. You may not like shoes much at this point, but I promise that will change.

Even without much hair, you are a beauty. When you smile it is so contagious, especially when you scrunch up your nose. So cute. You make us all laugh every day with your aggressive love of food and the way you jump/dive on us and your brother.

You and your manong Kole are so close, and I always pray it would stay that way the rest of your lives. No one will be your friend for longer than your sibling. He may be rough with you sometimes, but he also already knows how to protect you. It's a beautiful thing to see the love you two have for each other already.

My prayers for you, Alexandria, are that you would learn from your mistakes as well as others. That you would be a strong woman with a soft heart. Know your worth and expect others to treat you as such. My prayers for you will be endless as my love. We won't always be friends, but I'll always do what I feel is best for you. After only one year of having you in my life, you have changed me for the better. Thanks mamacita.

Love,

Momma

Just wow

Posted January 22, 2014

(Posted to my other blog by accident)

Just wow

1. Long story short: we moved. (Details later...if I can find my way out of all our crap!)

2. My precious boy has a place to play outside. I could literally cry tears of joy. Just seeing his smiling face when he runs back-and-forth right outside our front door is an amazing feeling.

3. I have a priceless friend, named Nicholei. She is an angel. Not only because she packed and moved and cleaned all our crap, but she really knows how to be a true friend through and through.

He works in mysterious ways

7/21/13:

Feeling a new excitement for the arrival if my baby girl.

I believe God has been waiting for me to change my heart. I believe I need to receive and give forgiveness for sins in my life and childhood, so I can be a better mother.

7/23/13:

She was born.

Can't win

Ne-

Was gonna blog about how I can't win, I can't get a break. Then my kids woke up and mom is back to work again.

Blogging?

Ain't nobody got time for that!

SB no.1 - No Worries

I don't wanna deny people certain rights, but I don't want my rights to disagree denied either.

What may be the final voting on this movement is happening right now as I write. I have grasped a peace about it. Even if it does pass, which it probably will, being out of the voters' hands, we are gonna be okay. 

While American laws and values used to reflect Biblical law, more and more this is just no longer the case. This is our opportunity as Bible-believing Christians to practice what we preach, by living our lives not by worldly standards but by God's standards. Living by faith. Although it seems in vain that so many testified these last few days, the Bible reminds us that standing on God's Truth is never in vain. We do what we think Jesus would do and we trust the outcome is part of His plan, whatever it may be. My prayer is that the righteousness of His people will preserve Hawai'i, and even this country.

I don't doubt that one day every state will recognize same-sex marriage. It is the will of this worldly world. I say praise God that their definitions and laws don't change a letter of God's Truth. It may affect our jobs. It may affect our friendships. It may affect our schools. We'll have to make adjustments for sure. But it will not change our faith, unless we allow it to. Our hope is in Jesus, not people. 

Feeling Heavy

Today was eventful to say the least. A murder-suicide hits too close to home. Then our state's senate began a special session which infringes on the rights of many while granting "equal" rights to the LGBT community (SB1). I guess I'm not feeling safe on a number of levels tonight as I try to fall asleep. I've always known I'd be bearing and raising children in a world that's far from Pleasantville. There's a false sense of safety we adopt as we turn blind eyes from the evil around us. As we avoid the "bad" neighborhoods and lock our doors at night. 

Even as we attempt to censor what hits our children's senses, we cannot make sense of the stench of this world's insensitivity to our ideals.

And they don't want our 2-cents. We weren't offered a ballot, but a minute on a microphone. A mic that was passionately pleaded into to no avail. Truly our state will suffer as their haste subscribes us all to culture of reverse discrimination. I didn't sign up for this. Native Hawaiians didn't sign up for this. The church didn't sign up for this. 

This special session is wrong on so many levels. I can only continue to pray and trust that God is in control. This presents such a unique opportunity to grow in love and find new ways to demonstrate WWJD. Get ready for growing pains!

As for the gun shots only 3 floors away from me...it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that someone needed help but couldn't see a way out aside from a pistol. My heart breaks for the family that lost a daughter/sister/niece/friend. And a  man without the will to live is being healed at the hospital so he can be sent to jail. I hope he meets Jesus in his time left on Earth. It breaks my heart to relive the fear as those shots rang out, and my son startled from sleep screaming for a hug. It breaks my heart that my false sense of safety between concrete walls has been uncloaked, and my Pleasantville defaced.

Thankfully I don't live in a place where guns are heard frequently. And I am still thankful for those concrete walls. Thankfully I listened to Joyce Meyer talk about being a prisoner of Hope this morning; God knew I'd need it. Thankfully I can be thankful through all of this. And I have Jesus to thank for that.

He > i

Dear Baby Girl...

Wow, you're almost 2 months old! Time doesn't stop flying by, especially with having two of you kids now. You and your brother are so sweet together. You already watch him running around, and we can tell you like it when he kisses you (even if it's hard). 

You are more precious to me each day I spend with you. There are times you give me the biggest smile and it makes my day. I can't wait to hear you laugh! 

Everyone notices how strong you are and how much neck control you have already. Go girl! You may be getting a tooth already, but we're not quite sure. Early just like me and your brother. Sorry, lol. You're eyes are still blue and you are pretty much bald. You're hair is coming in (along with longer eyelashes) but I think we'll be waiting a little longer for those eyes to change. 

Your daddy and I have had a hard time deciding who you look like but we're being told more and more that you look like daddy, especially when he was a baby. You're much lighter of course, but that's from grandma's side. Can't wait to see how your beauty will blossom as you grow.

Love you mucho!

Yo Mama

P.S. Thanks for sleeping 5-7 hours straight most nights! :) Mama like.

3 + 1 = 4!

We are officially a family of 4. Almost a whole month has passed already. It's been a fairly smooth transition thanks to my wonderful familia. 

My hubby has been more than awesome, taking over most responsibilities here at home. I feel so loved and taken care of, and even spoiled! I am anxious for the day he goes back to work. I rely on him a lot and I don't have the most confidence in myself to do as good a job with the kids as we do together all day. Praying!

Our son (2 1/2) has been the absolute best big brother! We're so proud of him. From day 1 he has been sweet and helpful. What a blessing. It melts my heart when he hugs and kisses her all on his own. He gets a little overwhelmed sometimes when she cries, but still tries to calm her down. We're trying to make sure he gets time with me to maintain his security and continue to avoid jealousy. I miss him as much as he misses me though! We had a date night just me and him the other night; this will be a regular thing.

Our baby girl (almost 4 weeks) has been great too. She has been a much better sleeper than her big brother was, especially at night. This has made all the difference. I can feel sane if I'm getting a reasonable amount of rest. Sleep with a newborn around is always broken, but its amazing how good you can feel off spurts of 3-4 hours of sleep in a row. LOL 

She's putting on weight well and eating up a storm. I can tell she's growing every day. She's starting to have more awake time, and tracking us when we talk. It's all familiar, remembering how babies are, but kinda new at the same time.

Home stretch?

Just playing the waiting game with our lil lady now. Saw my doc today and there still hasn't been much of any progression for a couple weeks now. Boo. I think I'm ready now - as for hubby, he'll take another week lol. A few more days will be good so big brother can get over his cold, I guess.

Can't help but think that tomorrow is 10-days til due date, and that's when our son was born. So tonight I'll be extra on guard for signs of labor I'm sure haha. I'm having some pretty painful cramps now actually...hmmmmmm. 

I guess I'm feeling more ready cuz I'm feeling more peace about her arrival. Labor is still scary but once we bring her home I can picture it all working out a little more than I had been dreading most this time. I know it won't be easy but I think we should definitely be excited for this new child we'll have, especially since our first is such a huge joy in our lives.

Tick tock... Tick tock.

Prego blues

Feeling super whack. Pretty much just low. Week 35 has been the longest yet I think. I'm just getting more and more tired, which leaves me less than productive, which makes me stressed, which makes me more stressed cuz there's nothing I can really do about it. Sometimes coffee helps, sometimes not. I don't wanna drink a lot anyway. 

I wanna listen to my body and simply rest, but I have things I'd like to get done, and I have a 2-year old. He's a good boy but he has more energy than I can entertain these days. I feel bad I can't take him out like I used to, or even play as much or the way we used to. It's frustrating for him too, but probably more for me. 

I would really love a couple days to zone out, guilt free. Sleep whenever I feel the need, no cleaning or cooking, etc. I don't see that happening but it sounds nice. Even if life allowed it, I probably couldn't keep from feeling guilty about doing nothing. Boo.

36 weeks tomorrow. As lame as I feel I do pray she stays in at least another week, and comes out when she'll be most healthy.

35 weeks already!

Well even though my due date is a little over a month away, I'll be considered full term in less than 2 weeks. That is a trip. I have a sense of urgency like she could come any day from this point on. Never know, but I do hope we make it to 37 weeks for her sake (weight gain, development, etc). I have enough done that she could come and I might not freak out. Haha, might not.

My second pregnancy has been so different than the first. I'm blessed to have had few complications again, but I just feel more uncomfortable and I'm bigger. I know this cuz I've outgrown most the things I wore last time! I think I weigh about the same though, just more stretched out I guess. Having a 2-year old has made this harder too. I am beyond blessed that he's such a good kid. I can't imagine how it would be with a true rascal. Seeing him interact with my tummy, and get excited when she moves, and how he likes to look at her sonogram pictures warms my heart so deep. I believe he's gonna be such a great big brother! He already shows concern for her. One time when we went to see fireworks at Magic Island, once they started he looked back and said "Oh, baby" as if to check on her. Too sweet. Back in 2nd trimester I tried to wear my belly support (which I always forget now) but he would say "No! Baby!" all pull on it. I just love this kid. She will be one lucky lil lady.

She isn't short of extended family either. Our church ohana just threw us a shower and I didn't expect it. They definitely showed us the love, and I needed it. Been feeling a bit lonely, missing my friends on the mainland, and just having a friend to hang out with for no reason. But anyways, that's another story for another time. Thankful for the gifts and love from our people here for sure. 

Okay, time to rest my mushy brain til the boy wakes up.