The sting of the plank

Just discovered a preverbal plank in my eye. It's not necessarily a sinful one, but still a case of specks, planks and/or looking in the mirror.

My friend is going through some thangs and is feeling alone - that no one can relate to their situation. I always say just because we don't feel some one has experienced the exact same thing doesn't mean you're alone. I still believe this, and know that we all have our own struggles and life stories that aren't identical to anyone else's. However, I seem to doubt a certain person who promises to know my pain and bear my shame: Jesus.

I read and "know" that God hurts when I hurt, but do I live out that knowledge? Do I believe in my heart that he loves me more than myself when he allowed injustice to scar me? Honestly, I hold doubt on this. I can even say I know I'm wrong for this doubt. BUT I still wonder why I had to be shamed in this way and how can Jesus truly understand me when he was never a pervert's prey. Of course he was shamed, and he was violated...but was he molested? No, he wasn't.

The more questions I ask, the more I'm assured that he truly can relate to my hurt. He had no family or friend to turn to. He had no protection from his fate. He was shamed (more than me) - publicly humiliated and even murdered. He felt exposed and abandoned.

I wish I could've been like Him and not sinned out of my disgrace (adding more poo to the pile). That's the real difference between me and Him; not that I was sexually molested and He wasn't.

And yet still, I do wonder why. Why doesn't God stop the injustice? Why does he allow his children to be robbed of dignity? I may never get an answer that satisfies or settles my heart. I can only grow in faith and an understanding of what it means to receive Grace after tragedy. I can only allow my life, from enslaved brokenness to bold freedom, be a light and example the healing process and of why we need to know Jesus to get through it.

Life happens so quickly

I am sure that I'll never be able to fully keep up with life - or my son! They both don't take any breaks. They're both a gift from heaven.

Not that life is always great, but when I really invest in it, and try to live it the way God intended, it just makes the bad things smaller and the good things that much better. Currently I'm going through some healing from my childhood. It's wounds I've dressed before and thought might have actually been healed, but some scars run deep and I'm goin' in after them! Thankful to have a sister to walk through the mud with.

The timing is truly God, as I also was asked to participate in our church's Easter service this coming Sunday to share a snippet of my hardship but more importantly how God comes through in those times. Luckily it's not a speaking role or anything, God will speak through me anyway.

On a other very exciting note, my son took some little steps today! Very first time! He was trying to walk towards me in the bathroom and took 2 timid, cute little steps. Then he did it again and thankfully daddy was watching the second time. So thankful he was here to see it too! I was shocked at how happy I felt for this to happen. I joke about how I'm not in a hurry for him to walk cuz I know I'll really be chasing him down - kind of joking but kind of serious. In the end, I guess I'm more excited for him to learn new things and develop new skills. He's so precious to me, and his triumphs feel like mine too.

Who know how soon until he takes off running on his own. He's trying to talk more and more too these days. He babbles with such intent on what he's saying, it's super cute. I love hearing him experiment with sounds and inflection. He even signs a couple things, which is helpful for daily communication rather than whining for everything. (Not a fan.) He can sign "thirsty", "ball", and "all done." He understands "eat" I think. He understands so well when we talk to him too. Their brains really are sponges!

So much happens in the daily life of a toddler; it definitely keeps me on my toes! I'm still learning to really grab some me-time. I did finally get out for a ladies night and we saw Anjelah Johnson. Felt awesome to get out! I've been trying to get a break more consistently, and my hubby and I are even putting more effort into trying to have a date every once in a while. We don't know how to date each other anymore and that's not so good. My healing process will benefit us both in the end, and I'm so looking forward to it.

"I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me." (Philippians 3:12 NLT)

The word I've longed to hear

Well, it's official: my baby boy is saying "mama" (to me/about me, rather than just babbling). He actually started the day after my last post. It was funny because at first he was saying "nanang" when he would see his great-grandma's picture, which I thought was super adorable, but then I started asking about "mama" too. If he had to identify anyone before mama, I'd gladly step aside to our Nanang - she is THE BEST.

Somehow now he won't say Nanang even when he sees her pic, but he is saying "mama" when he sees my picture and even sometimes to call me. He's still figuring out the whole call-and-response thing but it's still so cute to hear him say it. ♥

He's learning new things every other day, I swear. Babies are such sponges! He is imitating and interpreting sounds like coughs, groans, cars, clicks, all kinds of things. It's really cool to experience this growing mind and intellect.

He's standing a lot more these days too. Today he really wanted to stand a lot because he was trying to dance standing up, rather than doing the twist while sitting, or bouncing on his knees. I can't wait to dance with my boy!

While is also testing boundaries more often as well, it can't outweigh the joy and wonder he brings into our lives. Being a parent is a lot work (all day, every day), but it really is rewarding in countless intangible ways. I'd even say it's magical. Lord, help me to not take a moment for granted; I know they'll disappear like magic too.

Late-night thoughts on the boy

I just love my son so much. As his personality unfolds he never stops amazing me. He's already funny and silly at one year old. I love our little ways we communicate and play games with sounds. He's such a cool kid. I know our relationship will change and evolve over the years, of course, but my prayer is that we would always be close.

Grey Poison

For someone who believes in the Bible and that God's Word is the final word, life is black and white. Either your choices are ok with God, or they're not. Plain and simple. When you sin, we'll call that the black; when you choose to follow God, we'll call that white. But because we are all human and we do sin and we do make mistakes, we often live in this sort of grey area. We love God BUT we wanna sleep with our boyfriend BUT we go to church every Sunday and read our Bible BUT we fudge on our taxes to get more money back BUT we volunteer at the shelter BUT BUT BUT. God's truth doesn't have room for all those buts.

The grey area we try to hide in is poison to our soul. In the grey area we can convince ourselves that we're "a good person" and that it all pans out cuz I do some bad but I do more good. Salvation isn't a math equation where if GOOD > BAD then you're in the clear. The grey area is not black, but it's definitely not white. Grey is lukewarm and appalling to God.

Grey is where we trap ourselves in cycles of unhealthy behavior. We sin, then we feel bad, and tell ourselves we're damaged goods. We look on at the white area and think "I'll never achieve that." Then our bad decision becomes another and another then we're in a cycle; a lifestyle of sinful choices.

Got waits with open arms for us to step out of the grey. We have to gauge out the grey and not look back. We're guaranteed to sin again along the way but His Grace is sufficient, and it's readily available to the repentant. Thank goodness!

Bear fruit, not shame. Jesus didn't suffer and die for us to be grey. Change your heart. Change your life.

It takes 2 to become 1

Lately I've felt a weight hanging on my shoulders, spiritually. It happens when I feel far from God. Especially when I know what I need or need to do, but it's not happening. I need to be pursuing God, but I need my hubby to pursue God as well - that way we're moving in the same direction.

I could tell my hubby was not actively moving towards God but I didn't know what was up until we had a good talk yesterday. It's always a process to pick his brain but it feels good once we communicate those unspoken things that have been floating like dust around our noses.

So why do I need to bug him just cuz I'm in a spiritual funk? As a Christian, I believe that when I married my husband, we became one; no longer separate people but inextricably intertwined. This is a blessing and a curse, of course, because while we can ride on each other's wings in joy, we also can feel the pull when one is dragging through a valley.

More than a K

He says I'm selfish, and that may be true. But how many of our decisions and desires for our children are indeed selfish?

Here's the deal...

Our son's name is Kole Kahelemeakua. It took a lot of arguing and discussion to arrive at this name. Kole (Cole) is the only name I liked that my husband liked too. More details about that later. His middle name was decided by my husband. It means "one who walks with God." I like the meaning for sure, but I wanted his middle name to be Koamalu, which means "peaceful courage." he didn't like the meaning or the sound of "mal" since in Spanish mal means bad. Sort of understandable to me, but I only gave in on the condition that I get to spell his first name with a K instead of C.

The K is the only thing I got to fully choose for my son: the boy I dreamt of having for years and years. I had wanted this boy for so long and he would be coming out with nothing in his name to represent his mama but this K. (We didn't even put my maiden name in his name, as is a Filipino tradition.)

A simple reason I don't want to change it, and partly why I thought of it in the first place, is I don't want him to have an ordinary name. 99% of Coles are spelled with a C. My boy is not average, neither will his name be.

And in that same way, I want him to know who he is and be confident in it. Here in Hawai'i, the word "okole" means butt (pronounced oh-ko-leh). He says he'll literally be the butt of every joke. But is it really that drastic? Kids get teased for one thing or another through their childhood. It sucks, but I see it as a part of growing up. You may suffer at the time but the goal is that you would come out of it stronger, and their silly comments would roll of your shoulders. I don't want him to suffer - of course not! But I don't want to start him off on this foot that gives in to pressures from others. They tease, so I change myself?.....Heck no! You make em recognize you are who you are, NOT who they say you are. That is an important life skill that I pray my son learns early.

A final reason I dot think we need to change the spelling of his name is that he supposedly was to be attending school on the mainland. I thought this was established but as usual my hubby has probably extended plans to stay here in Hawai'i. He says "who knows" but I thought we already did. Who knows...I guess we'll see about that (a whole 'nother can o' worms).