Happy New Year 2013

2012 felt like a 3-day weekend. How can a year pass so quickly? This past year, God has strengthened my heart to speak more boldly in love to and for my friends and family. He has grown my faith, because even as I meander along His straight and narrow path, He never turns His back on me for a second.

Cheers! To a 2013 filled with more growth and blessings we never saw coming.

Random rant in my head...

God gives me my good moments, and lets me have my bad moments. The Bible tells us, "He who has been forgiven much, loves much." It's so true. If we don't know grace or forgiveness, or learn how much we need it, we'll never give it and never feel truly loved - with all our flaws and faults.

Don't we do the same thing to our kids? We let them do things their way sometimes so they can learn or fail. If we do everything for them all the time they will neither learn, or learn to fail. In the same instance, we learn to let them fail, which can be hard as humans since we're shortsighted. Our initial response is to avoid sadness and negative feelings, but without those, we don't know how blessed happiness really is.

Grey Poison

For someone who believes in the Bible and that God's Word is the final word, life is black and white. Either your choices are ok with God, or they're not. Plain and simple. When you sin, we'll call that the black; when you choose to follow God, we'll call that white. But because we are all human and we do sin and we do make mistakes, we often live in this sort of grey area. We love God BUT we wanna sleep with our boyfriend BUT we go to church every Sunday and read our Bible BUT we fudge on our taxes to get more money back BUT we volunteer at the shelter BUT BUT BUT. God's truth doesn't have room for all those buts.

The grey area we try to hide in is poison to our soul. In the grey area we can convince ourselves that we're "a good person" and that it all pans out cuz I do some bad but I do more good. Salvation isn't a math equation where if GOOD > BAD then you're in the clear. The grey area is not black, but it's definitely not white. Grey is lukewarm and appalling to God.

Grey is where we trap ourselves in cycles of unhealthy behavior. We sin, then we feel bad, and tell ourselves we're damaged goods. We look on at the white area and think "I'll never achieve that." Then our bad decision becomes another and another then we're in a cycle; a lifestyle of sinful choices.

Got waits with open arms for us to step out of the grey. We have to gauge out the grey and not look back. We're guaranteed to sin again along the way but His Grace is sufficient, and it's readily available to the repentant. Thank goodness!

Bear fruit, not shame. Jesus didn't suffer and die for us to be grey. Change your heart. Change your life.

It takes 2 to become 1

Lately I've felt a weight hanging on my shoulders, spiritually. It happens when I feel far from God. Especially when I know what I need or need to do, but it's not happening. I need to be pursuing God, but I need my hubby to pursue God as well - that way we're moving in the same direction.

I could tell my hubby was not actively moving towards God but I didn't know what was up until we had a good talk yesterday. It's always a process to pick his brain but it feels good once we communicate those unspoken things that have been floating like dust around our noses.

So why do I need to bug him just cuz I'm in a spiritual funk? As a Christian, I believe that when I married my husband, we became one; no longer separate people but inextricably intertwined. This is a blessing and a curse, of course, because while we can ride on each other's wings in joy, we also can feel the pull when one is dragging through a valley.

First Birthday Party

Well it's happened: my son is 1-year old. A year ago (and one day) I held in my arms the most precious person I've ever met. He's changed and grown so much since that day. I guess I have a little too.

I wanted to make his first birthday party a party to remember. It would be the first kids party I throw, and an important one for my first and only son. I planned for a month: buying decorations, supplies, goodie bags, setting a menu, ordering and designing the cake, etc. But the party that took place was not the one laid out on my spreadsheet. There wasn't a column for snow and ice. There definitely wasn't a row for measles.

God had a different party planned. His spreadsheet did have snow and ice, which thankfully melted by this morning. His vision included Kole having measles, which also thankfully cleared up a lot by today. Unfortunately I lost a lot of invitees because of those things, and that was hard to swallow.

"No kids coming?? But God, I bought all this stuff for the goodie bags! And look at all this food!"

"Let me show you something." He replied. And that He did.

A wonderful handful of my friends came through, and a lot of family friends filled the house by the time I was finished decorating. Quality time, good conversation, bomb food, and lots of love to celebrate Kole - those were on my spreadsheet. Those are what matter the most.

I'm not gonna lie, I still feel some disappointment to miss out on seeing some people I love, but I'm glad to add to my life list of experiences where God edits my spreadsheet and the party is still a party.

Hau'oli Makahiki Hou 2012

I don't think 2011 could've passed by any faster. My life exploded with the birth of my son and the purchase of our first home. Both of those things come with ups and downs. I can honestly say that I liked 2011. How could I not feel blessed?

We've been living in our condo for four months now and homeownership is clearly a crash course. First time home owners should read a book about the aches and pains from buying and living in your own home. I mean, I know there are books out there, but I wouldn't have read one. How would I know who I could relate to until it actually happens? That's how I think about it anyway. So yeah, love having our own place and even like we can feel settled a little more. Not loving the expenses that come with an aging building, but you gotta take the bad with the good. Happy to have space for our guests (which we've had a lot of in the last month), and even just the basics like a full kitchen, a bedroom with a door, and space for my son to play.

Speaking of the boy, he is almost a year old already. I am fighting the urge to keep him my tiny little baby. I know he has to continue to grow and develop, but I also know I'll spend his whole life wishing I could hold him in my arms just a few seconds longer. He melts my heart, brings me pride and joy, and irritates me all in the same day - just like any other love I guess. But really, he is more than I imagined, better than I ever prayed for. God is good.

Which brings me to my first goal of the year: to renew my commitment to God. I failed this year. No excuses, just made more choices to do my own thing rather than pursue the one thing that will truly fill my cup.

A second goal: to blog more. I still have been mini-journaling in my phone, but I want to do more. I want to share more. I want to reach out more (Third goal). I am not sure how this will all look in my daily life, but I know that as I work on my first goal, God, that all other things will fall into place.

Happy New Year! It's gonna be a good one!

P.S. Another possible goal: I might try to be more physically active for physical and mental health, but that is not a big priority at this point.

Feeling truly blessed to have a healthy child. He's happy and active, and really overall an easy baby. Makes me wonder how our next one would be; can't have two easy ones in a row! We'll see whenever that time comes. For now I'm enjoying and just in awe of this little boy that I get to care for. So thankful I can still breastfeed exclusively. We're starting to introduce solids but he's growing steadily on what he gets from me so far. :)

Being a mom is what I've waited for. It's a challenge but I LOVE IT. At times I still struggle with my own selfishness and my temper flares but God is molding me into a better mom and woman everyday. I have to remember that time flies and I will miss these moments once their gone, so i should savour them now. They will go just as fast whether I do or not.

Yesterday was our anniversary: 4 years. They have flown by, dunno where time went but glad to have spent it with him. This new chapter in our lives (starting family) is entered with trust and excitement and joy. He's my best friend and I can't imagine anyone else more perfect for me.

Thank goodness we have a strong relationship cuz we have been stressing about the bank, financing, and just buying this condo. I know need so much faith. I need to pray and listen and wait on Him. He never fails and I know this but I always try to convince myself otherwise. Why??

Alive and well

Nope, I didn't die in childbirth. I'm alive and well. I haven't posted here but I've been journaling in my cell phone, which I'll copy-paste here asap. I'm just barely gaining a balance in this new life as a mom to where I can make or find time to do things aside from being a mom and wife. Baby steps.

How can I sum up the last 6-months? I guess I would say it's been an exhausting dream come true. I LOVE being mama. My hubby and I are closer in many ways since we have worked as a team raising and caring for our son. (We're not as close in other ways buuuuut that's normal for now I guess, Lol.) This new chapter in our lives hasn't been easy but it has made me feel that much more complete. I've known I wanted to be a mama and to devote my time and energy to the job that it is.

On top of our regular stuff we're also in the process of closing on a condo nearby. What a stressful process, but it will also be worth it if we can get a place of our own. That will be another dream fulfilled.



God has been so good to me, and I am continuously in awe of His provision and plans for us. More later...the boy is waking up. :)

Truly a Mele Kalikimaka

All I needed/wanted this year was to know we'll have everything baby needs and of course quality time with my boo. I got it! He was put on call Christmas Eve and off on Christmas so we have had a lot of good time together this holiday - love it! And we got a couple checks in the mail, with some of the money specifically for our baby boy so he's even more set than before, and it feels good. We haven't had to spend out of pocket at all yet for him, besides a those onesies we bought and some medical expenses. How blessed are we?? God is amazing and I'm overwhelmed and in awe of His provision every time.

We ate at my boss' beautiful house with her awesome family for Christmas Eve, then stopped by Honolulu Hale to see the lights. We went late but there were still so many people there, pretty cool. One thing I like around here is how the stores don't all stay open until midnight the night before Christmas; they actually close around 6pm. I assume it's a family oriented mindset, and I like that. We opened the gifts under our little tree around 1am. So fun, even just the two of us (our last year with just us two!). Then this afternoon we went to his uncle's place to visit the fam and eat...and eat! Then just hung out at the beach for a while.

It was a light gift year overall, and that is just how I wanted it. I don't need anything really and I didn't wanna stress over shopping this year. I got baby on the brains and that's enough weighing over me (well and in front of me, hehe). Christmas away from most of our family and friends doesn't feel the same, but I'm truly content to be with my hubby. Island Christmas is so different feeling anyway since it's hot in "winter." Not complaining cuz I sure don't miss snow. It's pretty, until you need to go somewhere. I could live without it though. How many other places would I have gotten to watch the sunset on the beach in my bikini on Christmas evening?



♥ Mele Kalikimaka ♥

I am not a statistic

Statistically, I am more likely to...

become an alcoholic or drug addict

be in an abusive relationship

get a divorce

suffer from depression or other psychological disorder

abuse my own children in some way

commit a crime and end up in jail

have difficulty with close relationships

have difficulty holding a job

...BUT statistics got nothin' on the Grace of God.

I am free from the hurts and sins of my past, and the bondage that statistics like these can hold over our heads. Healing is a lifelong process but I am not healing myself; the love of God heals me daily. I am not alone. I am not a statistic.

Some references:

http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics

http://www.yesican.org/stats.html

http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/statistics-about-children-and-divorce.html

Hungry Eyes, Foolish Hearts

I've been reading (slowly) through the book of Numbers. As far as I can remember, this is the first time I've made it all the way through. Just so you know, it really isn't ALL about numbers; there are many laws listed and several census taken during this time that are accounted for in the book, which can be tedious to read, but I'm learning to go deeper. When we really pray for open minds and hearts to receive as we read these seemingly pointless details, it can happen!

My main eye-opening moment came when I was near the end of the book, where Moses and the Israelites were just about to cross the Jordan River. There were a few clans/tribes that asked to stay back, preferring to inherit the land they've just seen and scouted, rather than go on the promise land that God had been promising them for generations. The first guys that tried that cursed a whole generation of Israelites to wander the desert until that generation died off. What were these guys thinking??

The difference with this new group was they did promise to continue with everyone to ensure Israel did claim its land across the river, only then to return to the other side again. This was approved, but I was still kinda shocked. It made me think of me, and us, and this world - how we can't wait for God's best sometimes. We can witness His greatness and His provision, but when we see something good in our faces we can barely resist, rather than holding out for the best, which has been promised to us by the God of heaven. The God that never lies or exaggerates has intentions to "prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jer 29:11)

This comes down to more than just patience and longsuffering, but to trust and have faith in God, and sacrifice of our own "wisdom" for His infallible foresight and knowledge. How do we get back on the faith train? I'm starting by reading more and more of what the Bible says about God. It's not just to read it and learn it, but to come to live it. Hard stuff for a finite, selfish girl that I am, but thankfully I'm not alone and I'm not expected to do it alone.

From Fear to Respect

Living in Hawai'i has brought me to a new relationship with the ocean. I didn't grow up with much of a fascination with the ocean, and really just had a fear of deep, dark waters. The ocean on the Washington and Oregon coast is painfully cold and the beaches are generally cloudy and windy. I don't stand well against those elements.

While I do still fear really deep, dark waters, after spending so much time in the ocean I definitely have much more respect for it than plain ol' fear. I don't fear it simply out of ignorance, but out of recognition for the power behind every inch of it. I'm not only conscious of my water consumption because someone told me to be, but because it's my back yard (and technically my front, and side yards too). I don't take for granted that it hasn't swallowed me up or that there's so much of it we're only specs it its eye. There's life in it and throughout it.

This mindset reminds of having a relationship with God. The ocean is not a god, nor do I believe in "ocean gods" but I do know that God created the ocean. And while the ocean is a large creation, God is an even larger creator. We might fear Him when we don't know Him or understand Him, but once we experience His mercies and love, we gain new respect for God. He's not a tyrant, angry and controlling in the sky; He's a wise, sacrificial, forgiving Father.

We may be smaller than even a spec in His eye, but we are the apple of it.

Unexpected day; Grace abounds

I never would've predicted today to be the way it ended up. Before I went to sleep last night I thought to myself it will be just another day off - sleeping in, passing time until my hubby wakes up before he goes to work.

Um, no...

I woke up to a call about work. My boss is still out of town and there are associates of hers helping out with store-runs for supplies. We have had the usual trouble of getting everyone at the store participating in making lists, and I am only one woman (now I really know how my boss feels). Long story short, one person was apparently frustrated that they were going to the store so often so abruptly ended our conversation after receiving a call from my co-workers who were on the clock after he had already left the store. I text soon after that I sensed the irritation but it was unnecessary as we can go to the store ourselves if it's not convenient for him. He never replied as to whether or not he was getting all our stuff so I waited...

...in the mean time...

I went to the pool deck to check my messages, Twitter, Facebook, etc, and chill out. Turns out I wasn't going to pick my friend up from the airport later as planned, since she didn't make the flight. Ok, that's no problem. Then I see a text from an old friend, long since out of touch. We've recently (as well as off and on) been messaging on Facebook and just exchanged numbers. We ended up texting for a bit then talking on the phone for over an hour, catching up and filling in the gaps. What timing; I needed that. I hope we really keep in touch, and keep the laughs going. We're both nuts and it just works.

...back to the store...

So finally I text to inquire as to whether our supplies are coming or not - we just needed to know. I end up running to the store, which was fine, I needed some things for home anyways. Sad to say, it was the first time I drove to and shopped at Safeway by myself since we moved here. Yeah, I know. Anyways, I called my boss, which I've been trying to avoid, to verify what I should get and what I should let the store go without for possibly a day. She graciously assisted me while on her vacation and I happily delivered the goods.

...oh yeah, the airport...

Turns out the boxes for my friend that is moving here did make it on the plane, so we needed to eat and head there before J had to go to work, with time to stop back here so he can still help drop off the boxes. Long story short, we did it. Got some awesome fish from Nico's just as they were closing, and got the boxes back to our apartment with plenty of time to cuddle and say a long goodbye. I love happy endings!

~

The theme for the day is GRACE. I didn't not receive or show much grace in the morning regarding work inventory, for which I should probably apologize later to the co-workers I vented to, lol. Grace did abound throughout the rest of the day: as my friend and I reunited (very important to me), as my boss took time from her and her hubby's time to ease my mind, as my honey used his pre-work time to help me do a favor for my friend (very excited she's moving here), as the cooks at Nico's stayed open 10 minutes longer to fry our fish, and as God helps me realize daily that I am married to the perfect man for me. ♥

[Pic: Diamond Head 1/30/10 from Ali'i Kai Catamaran]

By this time tomorrow...

We'll be back visiting home town Seattle by this time tomorrow (hopefully sleeping at this exact hour, of course). I'm excited but that's not why I'm up. Just was packing tonight and spent some time chattin' it up with my friend that lives near by. Good times.

Apartment update: We got out of the lease for the bad apartment and are already moved in to the awesome apartment! God is so good to us, I am still amazed as if it's for the first time, lol. Praise 'em!

I really should sleep now. just wanted to share.

Good night.

Just singing

As I feel more and more settled here in my new home, I feel a stronger tug at my heart♥ to get outside of myself and occasionally even my marriage to seek God's purpose for me here. I felt a strong purpose in Seattle for working with youth, dancing with The Good Foot, and just growing in relationship with God and the people he put in my life to walk through it all with me.

Now that I'm far from those people and even those somewhat of a routine, it is a challenge to step out on my own. Of course my husband is a big part of anything I walk out, but in the end my walk with God and what He is calling me personally to is what I'm accountable for, and that is what I want to focus on again.

Sunday morning: wake up, pick up honey from work, visit The Original Pancake House for some (average) banana pancakes, then head to church down the street. We entered to the band and small congregation singing worship songs as usual, but I felt I should sit a pray before singing. I felt that tug even more to seek God's will for me in this city, and surrender my expectations. I stood up to sing and just felt inspired. The next song that came on spoke to me about the same thing in the chorus:

We must go, live to feed the hungry

Standing by the broken, we must go

Stepping forward, keep us from just singing

Move us into action, we must go

Fill us up and send us out

Fill us up and send us out

I was like, "Got it: go, action, don't just sing, do it." My eyes welled up thinking of those who are broken, and hungry - not just for food, but for purpose and love. Another song asks God to break our hearts for what breaks his, and praise Him because my heart♥ does ache.

Shame on me for just singing all this time...