Letter to my son

Dear Baby Boy,

Can I still call you that? You are growing up every day. Bittersweet as I balance being proud and in awe of you, while trying to hold on to you as tight as I can. You're little sister will be here in a couple of months. Many things will change, I won't pretend they aren't. But you will always be a treasure and pleasure rooted deep in my heart. I love you to the stars and back; that will NEVER change. 

Here are some things I know may change but I don't want to forget...

The way you say "tubig-de" for tubig. We don't know why (and we should correct you more) but its way too cute.

Sometimes at night you hold my hand as you fall asleep. How do I ever let go??

You love the pool, the ocean, and your bath. If there is a puddle, you will stomp in it. If there is a fountain, you will wish you were in it. I love your love for water!

You're building your golf skills and I'm curious to see where it may take you in the future.

You are an eager helper, all day every day. I'm so impressed with your awareness of others and even how you take initiative to do chores on your own. 

Oh son, there's so much more. Every day with you is a blessing. I'm sorry I'm not always patient or understanding of your moods or actions. I pray you will always remember through it all that I love you fully and unconditionally.

Love,

Mommy

The word I've longed to hear

Well, it's official: my baby boy is saying "mama" (to me/about me, rather than just babbling). He actually started the day after my last post. It was funny because at first he was saying "nanang" when he would see his great-grandma's picture, which I thought was super adorable, but then I started asking about "mama" too. If he had to identify anyone before mama, I'd gladly step aside to our Nanang - she is THE BEST.

Somehow now he won't say Nanang even when he sees her pic, but he is saying "mama" when he sees my picture and even sometimes to call me. He's still figuring out the whole call-and-response thing but it's still so cute to hear him say it. ♥

He's learning new things every other day, I swear. Babies are such sponges! He is imitating and interpreting sounds like coughs, groans, cars, clicks, all kinds of things. It's really cool to experience this growing mind and intellect.

He's standing a lot more these days too. Today he really wanted to stand a lot because he was trying to dance standing up, rather than doing the twist while sitting, or bouncing on his knees. I can't wait to dance with my boy!

While is also testing boundaries more often as well, it can't outweigh the joy and wonder he brings into our lives. Being a parent is a lot work (all day, every day), but it really is rewarding in countless intangible ways. I'd even say it's magical. Lord, help me to not take a moment for granted; I know they'll disappear like magic too.

Late-night thoughts on the boy

I just love my son so much. As his personality unfolds he never stops amazing me. He's already funny and silly at one year old. I love our little ways we communicate and play games with sounds. He's such a cool kid. I know our relationship will change and evolve over the years, of course, but my prayer is that we would always be close.

Hau'oli Makahiki Hou 2012

I don't think 2011 could've passed by any faster. My life exploded with the birth of my son and the purchase of our first home. Both of those things come with ups and downs. I can honestly say that I liked 2011. How could I not feel blessed?

We've been living in our condo for four months now and homeownership is clearly a crash course. First time home owners should read a book about the aches and pains from buying and living in your own home. I mean, I know there are books out there, but I wouldn't have read one. How would I know who I could relate to until it actually happens? That's how I think about it anyway. So yeah, love having our own place and even like we can feel settled a little more. Not loving the expenses that come with an aging building, but you gotta take the bad with the good. Happy to have space for our guests (which we've had a lot of in the last month), and even just the basics like a full kitchen, a bedroom with a door, and space for my son to play.

Speaking of the boy, he is almost a year old already. I am fighting the urge to keep him my tiny little baby. I know he has to continue to grow and develop, but I also know I'll spend his whole life wishing I could hold him in my arms just a few seconds longer. He melts my heart, brings me pride and joy, and irritates me all in the same day - just like any other love I guess. But really, he is more than I imagined, better than I ever prayed for. God is good.

Which brings me to my first goal of the year: to renew my commitment to God. I failed this year. No excuses, just made more choices to do my own thing rather than pursue the one thing that will truly fill my cup.

A second goal: to blog more. I still have been mini-journaling in my phone, but I want to do more. I want to share more. I want to reach out more (Third goal). I am not sure how this will all look in my daily life, but I know that as I work on my first goal, God, that all other things will fall into place.

Happy New Year! It's gonna be a good one!

P.S. Another possible goal: I might try to be more physically active for physical and mental health, but that is not a big priority at this point.

6-months: letter to baby bear

Dear baby boy;

In the morning you will be 6-months old. I am one proud mama. I love you so much - before you were even conceived. I know I'm not a perfect mom but I know God made me to be yours. I thank Him every day for that. You are such a blessing to me and your daddy, and we are so excited to watch you grow and develop. It's almost happening too fast sometimes.

Thank you for your contagious laughter and smile that has changed my life. You are my most precious gift and most rewarding challenge. Only six months have passed...wow! Can't wait for our family adventures over the next six more (and more and more and more).

Love,
Yo mama

P.S. Hope you like the veggies I'm gonna make today.

I am not a statistic

Statistically, I am more likely to...

become an alcoholic or drug addict

be in an abusive relationship

get a divorce

suffer from depression or other psychological disorder

abuse my own children in some way

commit a crime and end up in jail

have difficulty with close relationships

have difficulty holding a job

...BUT statistics got nothin' on the Grace of God.

I am free from the hurts and sins of my past, and the bondage that statistics like these can hold over our heads. Healing is a lifelong process but I am not healing myself; the love of God heals me daily. I am not alone. I am not a statistic.

Some references:

http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics

http://www.yesican.org/stats.html

http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/statistics-about-children-and-divorce.html

Last week was awesome

I meant to post about my amazing week last week but it flew by and I still feel like life is flying by. Monday we had our 2nd ultrasound and were able to hear the heartbeat AND see our little bean jumping and dancing around. I gotta admit I'm not liking the 3D pics better at this point but that may be because the baby's back was turned by the time we were using that wand. Either way, it was an amazing experience and I'm so excited to know the baby is doing well and is lively already! Our next scheduled ultrasound is mid-August. Can't wait!

Although there is now a possible variance of a week in how far along I am, we felt it was an ok time to share the news win the world. We officially announced it via texts, emails, and of course Facebook/Twitter (we're a modern couple ya know). It felt great to share and get excited with everyone now. It was so hard to keep it in for over a month but it was worth the wait.

Then mine and my hubby's 3-year anniversary was on Wednesday last week. He ended up having to work but treated me to a shopping spree the day before at HIC and just made me feel so special. He's the best and I'm blessed beyond what I could've imagined for myself. He is truly my soulboo. I'm so thankful I only love, miss, adore him more and more as time goes on. God is so good.

That's the main highlights of the week. It felt like more events at the time but I must have just been on some natural high Lol.

So far this week has carried over the exhaustion I was feeling last week. I'm so tired again; I thought I was getting past that but I'm feeling it more than ever now. And more than that, I'm feeling HuNgRy!! Its out of control really. Sometimes hard to keep finding new things to eat - seriously! I don't seem to be gaining weight yet though but I'm sure it's on the way. I do hope so!

[pic: hungry monster...and yes, as a matter of fact i am hungry]

See you at the crossroads...

I've known this day was coming. It's not like I could ever forget it. People have been talking about it on Facebook, reposting pictures. I don't know what was going on inside me that I went about my business, but this afternoon was when it all hit me.

Jamila Renea Alba passed away 1-year ago on July 7, 2009.

My niece. My brother's youngest daughter at the time. A 14-year old girl. Rest in peace, girl. We miss you more than words can express.

I honestly can't believe how much it still hurts when I really let it sink in. I'm extra hormonal right now, but I can feel the pain deep in my heart, not just the tears on my cheeks. And I can feel the pain from my family, who I'm so far away from right now. That doesn't make it easier.

As corny as it sounds, what really got through to me today was Bone-Thugs-n-Harmony's song, "Tha Crossroads." It made me think of all the unnecessary deaths in the hood and just that thug lifestyle; it made me thankful that I got my life straight and away from those situations. But I also was reminded how many people in my life I lost just last year, especially Jamila. I don't think I've cried this hard since it happened. It's amazing how love really doesn't die, so the pain when you lose someone you love never really dies either.

It's May, and my honey loves me

Aloha, well, it's May already. We've zoomed through 4 whole months of this year; time really does go by faster as you get older. Speaking of getting older, my husband's birthday is this coming Thursday. I'm excited to treat him...but I don't know what to do yet! I have some ideas and he said a couple things he wants to do, but I gotta make it really special for him. He always has a surprise for me, and I want him to feel as special as he makes me feel.

Today I got a glimpse of one side of that love. While I do like my job, I applied at Billabong for the heck of it to see if they would hire me on for one day per week (or less, hehe). The interview went well; the manager admitted she wanted to hire me before she even scheduled the interview! That feels good. BUT they ask part time be a minimum of 3 shifts per week, and their shifts are 8 hours long. *sad face* As much as I do want to work there pretty bad, I never intended to inconvenience my current boss. She's good to me, and I would never want to leave her hanging. SO I have a second interview/meeting with her and another manager to find out if she was able to pull some strings to get me down to 2 nights a week, starting at 6pm until about 11:30pm. I'd like that for sure. BUT my honey wants me to do only 1 night per week. This is not a controlling hubby; this is a protective, loving hubby. He is worried about me walking home around midnight, and he would rather buy me everything I want than have me work there just for a discount. This may sound a little silly from an outside perspective, but the way he expressed it to me was so sweet and I'm thankful I didn't get defensive since he basically shot down the idea, but I realized his motives - and I like them.

Back to getting "older"...

His birthday is making me reflect in advance on my 26th birthday in a few months. By no means is that old, but it is over the 20-something hill. That's a weird concept for me, especially with becoming a mama on my mind. I sure hope I pop one out before I'm 27! I can already feel more difference in my body regarding recovery time. I can tell I'm more the tired the next day when I've had a busy day before, or that I really do need those 8 hours of sleep. Not anxious about aging yet, but it's interesting.

There goes that funk again...

Aloha,

I've been in a bit of a funk again, for various reasons I'm sure. One reason is because the clouds have been rolling in a bit, and less sunshine means less energy and smiles from me. My husband just asked me the other day how I survived living in Seattle for so long, lol. Between the lack of sunshine and lack of heat, it is quite amazing. Another funk property to add to the equation is that it is pre-that-time-of-the-month, yep, pretty much always low around this time. Emotional too; I was watching ABDC and crying at anything inspirational or life struggle they discussed - gEEz Louise. 

A big downer though is that there was another death in the family: the mother of two of my half siblings did pass away about a week ago. I can't believe this year. I'm seeing death not only in my family but in the families of a few friends as well. It's such a crazy life stage to be in where so many people are getting married and there's babies being born, yet we also experience more death than we probably ever have as well. How can it ever balance? I say I trust God with my life and the lives of those I love but then why doesn't that bring me more comfort when I'm faced with death? I cling even more to those lives around me and even my own, rather than clinging more to Him.

On a lighter note...

My hubby and I both have the next 3-days off together. The goal is to finally use those left over time share vacation points. I did try to get to Seattle, but that was out of the question financially and points-wise because it's "peak" season. This fact also made me a little sad but I know I'll visit home soon enough. We didn't get around to booking anything locally last week (because we were catching plenty choice waves) but we'll be calling tomorrow morning first thing to book a hotel somewhere on O'ahu, preferably a different shore than ours. Hopefully it'll be somewhere we can surf, but if not, either way we'll have mucho quality time. Love it. 

I've had a lot of quality phone time with my lady friends back home, which has been great. I had a phone date almost every day the last 5-days! So good. I miss my friends and family a lot, and am so thankful to be able to keep in touch as much as I have been. I'm feelin' the love and I hope they are too. 

Well, I feel like most of this funk was shook off today - more sun, time with boo, phone date, a walk, a workout, and I finally smashed the mosquito that's been chewing up my arms and legs. (sUckA!)  

***45-minutes later***

So I got the mosquito and I was all glad right? WELL that was short-lived as I look up and scurrying across a side table is a cockroach. About 3/4 of an inch long, not huge but ew. Not adjusted to seeing those guys and probably never will be. I grabbed the Raid can and sprayed him once. He got to the couch and I sprayed him again, then I lost him. I hunted that thing for a while and sprayed around the whole apartment...moved the couch, the table, covered and sealed every bit of food or spices we have, double-checked each area of the apartment. Took me a while to realize he was on his back behind the couch, dying. I drowned him in Raid to make sure, and have checked on it every 5-minutes to make sure I finished the job. The puddle around it should do the trick. Now that I've thoroughly sanitized my hands and all food zones, I guess I can sleep. I'm worn out.