The word I've longed to hear

Well, it's official: my baby boy is saying "mama" (to me/about me, rather than just babbling). He actually started the day after my last post. It was funny because at first he was saying "nanang" when he would see his great-grandma's picture, which I thought was super adorable, but then I started asking about "mama" too. If he had to identify anyone before mama, I'd gladly step aside to our Nanang - she is THE BEST.

Somehow now he won't say Nanang even when he sees her pic, but he is saying "mama" when he sees my picture and even sometimes to call me. He's still figuring out the whole call-and-response thing but it's still so cute to hear him say it. ♥

He's learning new things every other day, I swear. Babies are such sponges! He is imitating and interpreting sounds like coughs, groans, cars, clicks, all kinds of things. It's really cool to experience this growing mind and intellect.

He's standing a lot more these days too. Today he really wanted to stand a lot because he was trying to dance standing up, rather than doing the twist while sitting, or bouncing on his knees. I can't wait to dance with my boy!

While is also testing boundaries more often as well, it can't outweigh the joy and wonder he brings into our lives. Being a parent is a lot work (all day, every day), but it really is rewarding in countless intangible ways. I'd even say it's magical. Lord, help me to not take a moment for granted; I know they'll disappear like magic too.

Late-night thoughts on the boy

I just love my son so much. As his personality unfolds he never stops amazing me. He's already funny and silly at one year old. I love our little ways we communicate and play games with sounds. He's such a cool kid. I know our relationship will change and evolve over the years, of course, but my prayer is that we would always be close.

Grey Poison

For someone who believes in the Bible and that God's Word is the final word, life is black and white. Either your choices are ok with God, or they're not. Plain and simple. When you sin, we'll call that the black; when you choose to follow God, we'll call that white. But because we are all human and we do sin and we do make mistakes, we often live in this sort of grey area. We love God BUT we wanna sleep with our boyfriend BUT we go to church every Sunday and read our Bible BUT we fudge on our taxes to get more money back BUT we volunteer at the shelter BUT BUT BUT. God's truth doesn't have room for all those buts.

The grey area we try to hide in is poison to our soul. In the grey area we can convince ourselves that we're "a good person" and that it all pans out cuz I do some bad but I do more good. Salvation isn't a math equation where if GOOD > BAD then you're in the clear. The grey area is not black, but it's definitely not white. Grey is lukewarm and appalling to God.

Grey is where we trap ourselves in cycles of unhealthy behavior. We sin, then we feel bad, and tell ourselves we're damaged goods. We look on at the white area and think "I'll never achieve that." Then our bad decision becomes another and another then we're in a cycle; a lifestyle of sinful choices.

Got waits with open arms for us to step out of the grey. We have to gauge out the grey and not look back. We're guaranteed to sin again along the way but His Grace is sufficient, and it's readily available to the repentant. Thank goodness!

Bear fruit, not shame. Jesus didn't suffer and die for us to be grey. Change your heart. Change your life.

It takes 2 to become 1

Lately I've felt a weight hanging on my shoulders, spiritually. It happens when I feel far from God. Especially when I know what I need or need to do, but it's not happening. I need to be pursuing God, but I need my hubby to pursue God as well - that way we're moving in the same direction.

I could tell my hubby was not actively moving towards God but I didn't know what was up until we had a good talk yesterday. It's always a process to pick his brain but it feels good once we communicate those unspoken things that have been floating like dust around our noses.

So why do I need to bug him just cuz I'm in a spiritual funk? As a Christian, I believe that when I married my husband, we became one; no longer separate people but inextricably intertwined. This is a blessing and a curse, of course, because while we can ride on each other's wings in joy, we also can feel the pull when one is dragging through a valley.

More than a K

He says I'm selfish, and that may be true. But how many of our decisions and desires for our children are indeed selfish?

Here's the deal...

Our son's name is Kole Kahelemeakua. It took a lot of arguing and discussion to arrive at this name. Kole (Cole) is the only name I liked that my husband liked too. More details about that later. His middle name was decided by my husband. It means "one who walks with God." I like the meaning for sure, but I wanted his middle name to be Koamalu, which means "peaceful courage." he didn't like the meaning or the sound of "mal" since in Spanish mal means bad. Sort of understandable to me, but I only gave in on the condition that I get to spell his first name with a K instead of C.

The K is the only thing I got to fully choose for my son: the boy I dreamt of having for years and years. I had wanted this boy for so long and he would be coming out with nothing in his name to represent his mama but this K. (We didn't even put my maiden name in his name, as is a Filipino tradition.)

A simple reason I don't want to change it, and partly why I thought of it in the first place, is I don't want him to have an ordinary name. 99% of Coles are spelled with a C. My boy is not average, neither will his name be.

And in that same way, I want him to know who he is and be confident in it. Here in Hawai'i, the word "okole" means butt (pronounced oh-ko-leh). He says he'll literally be the butt of every joke. But is it really that drastic? Kids get teased for one thing or another through their childhood. It sucks, but I see it as a part of growing up. You may suffer at the time but the goal is that you would come out of it stronger, and their silly comments would roll of your shoulders. I don't want him to suffer - of course not! But I don't want to start him off on this foot that gives in to pressures from others. They tease, so I change myself?.....Heck no! You make em recognize you are who you are, NOT who they say you are. That is an important life skill that I pray my son learns early.

A final reason I dot think we need to change the spelling of his name is that he supposedly was to be attending school on the mainland. I thought this was established but as usual my hubby has probably extended plans to stay here in Hawai'i. He says "who knows" but I thought we already did. Who knows...I guess we'll see about that (a whole 'nother can o' worms).

1-year letter to Baby Bear

Hi boo boo,

You are sleeping right next to me right now. Your face makes me smile just as big as the first day I saw yours. Your daddy and I love you so much. Even after we put you to bed, we laugh and cherish the moments we shared with you that day.

You are 1 year old now. Wow. I hope you had fun at your first birthday party. There's one more to come here in Hawai'i. I love that so many people want to celebrate the life of my baby boy. You are truly worth celebrating!

I'm loving your personality and watching you learn every day. You are funny, smart, sweet and tough all at the same time. My prayers for you are endless but include that you would stand strong in your faith for God, that you would know your worth, and you would have more patience than me or your daddy. :)

I love you, son. No matter how fast you grow or how big you get, you'll always be my baby bear.


Love,
Yo Mama
💙

First Birthday Party

Well it's happened: my son is 1-year old. A year ago (and one day) I held in my arms the most precious person I've ever met. He's changed and grown so much since that day. I guess I have a little too.

I wanted to make his first birthday party a party to remember. It would be the first kids party I throw, and an important one for my first and only son. I planned for a month: buying decorations, supplies, goodie bags, setting a menu, ordering and designing the cake, etc. But the party that took place was not the one laid out on my spreadsheet. There wasn't a column for snow and ice. There definitely wasn't a row for measles.

God had a different party planned. His spreadsheet did have snow and ice, which thankfully melted by this morning. His vision included Kole having measles, which also thankfully cleared up a lot by today. Unfortunately I lost a lot of invitees because of those things, and that was hard to swallow.

"No kids coming?? But God, I bought all this stuff for the goodie bags! And look at all this food!"

"Let me show you something." He replied. And that He did.

A wonderful handful of my friends came through, and a lot of family friends filled the house by the time I was finished decorating. Quality time, good conversation, bomb food, and lots of love to celebrate Kole - those were on my spreadsheet. Those are what matter the most.

I'm not gonna lie, I still feel some disappointment to miss out on seeing some people I love, but I'm glad to add to my life list of experiences where God edits my spreadsheet and the party is still a party.