"I" does not exist

I don't have time to do much crafting. I've got ALL the stuff I need...except time. I wish I could have a space to do my thing. I honestly am not able to just start a project in a snap. I need to get in the zone. Plus if I get interrupted I honestly get frustrated and I - I can't even get these thoughts down without being rediculously interrupted.

---20 min later

Anyways it hurts and pisses me off when my hubby says I need to get rid of stuff cuz I don't use it like it's my choice that I don't get to have time to do the things I want to do. WTF. I don't have down time; it's called bed time, but I have to sleep when they do or I'm groggy on top of stretched thin and that is never a good day. I focus all on my kids because they should be the priority. I truly believe that and put my all into that. That's why all those I's above don't exist.

I seriously need to be back in Seattle surrounded by family and friends. I'm not healthy here ALONE in Hawaii. 

I exist there.

Feeling Heavy

Today was eventful to say the least. A murder-suicide hits too close to home. Then our state's senate began a special session which infringes on the rights of many while granting "equal" rights to the LGBT community (SB1). I guess I'm not feeling safe on a number of levels tonight as I try to fall asleep. I've always known I'd be bearing and raising children in a world that's far from Pleasantville. There's a false sense of safety we adopt as we turn blind eyes from the evil around us. As we avoid the "bad" neighborhoods and lock our doors at night. 

Even as we attempt to censor what hits our children's senses, we cannot make sense of the stench of this world's insensitivity to our ideals.

And they don't want our 2-cents. We weren't offered a ballot, but a minute on a microphone. A mic that was passionately pleaded into to no avail. Truly our state will suffer as their haste subscribes us all to culture of reverse discrimination. I didn't sign up for this. Native Hawaiians didn't sign up for this. The church didn't sign up for this. 

This special session is wrong on so many levels. I can only continue to pray and trust that God is in control. This presents such a unique opportunity to grow in love and find new ways to demonstrate WWJD. Get ready for growing pains!

As for the gun shots only 3 floors away from me...it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that someone needed help but couldn't see a way out aside from a pistol. My heart breaks for the family that lost a daughter/sister/niece/friend. And a  man without the will to live is being healed at the hospital so he can be sent to jail. I hope he meets Jesus in his time left on Earth. It breaks my heart to relive the fear as those shots rang out, and my son startled from sleep screaming for a hug. It breaks my heart that my false sense of safety between concrete walls has been uncloaked, and my Pleasantville defaced.

Thankfully I don't live in a place where guns are heard frequently. And I am still thankful for those concrete walls. Thankfully I listened to Joyce Meyer talk about being a prisoner of Hope this morning; God knew I'd need it. Thankfully I can be thankful through all of this. And I have Jesus to thank for that.

He > i

The word I've longed to hear

Well, it's official: my baby boy is saying "mama" (to me/about me, rather than just babbling). He actually started the day after my last post. It was funny because at first he was saying "nanang" when he would see his great-grandma's picture, which I thought was super adorable, but then I started asking about "mama" too. If he had to identify anyone before mama, I'd gladly step aside to our Nanang - she is THE BEST.

Somehow now he won't say Nanang even when he sees her pic, but he is saying "mama" when he sees my picture and even sometimes to call me. He's still figuring out the whole call-and-response thing but it's still so cute to hear him say it. ♥

He's learning new things every other day, I swear. Babies are such sponges! He is imitating and interpreting sounds like coughs, groans, cars, clicks, all kinds of things. It's really cool to experience this growing mind and intellect.

He's standing a lot more these days too. Today he really wanted to stand a lot because he was trying to dance standing up, rather than doing the twist while sitting, or bouncing on his knees. I can't wait to dance with my boy!

While is also testing boundaries more often as well, it can't outweigh the joy and wonder he brings into our lives. Being a parent is a lot work (all day, every day), but it really is rewarding in countless intangible ways. I'd even say it's magical. Lord, help me to not take a moment for granted; I know they'll disappear like magic too.

Late-night thoughts on the boy

I just love my son so much. As his personality unfolds he never stops amazing me. He's already funny and silly at one year old. I love our little ways we communicate and play games with sounds. He's such a cool kid. I know our relationship will change and evolve over the years, of course, but my prayer is that we would always be close.

More than a K

He says I'm selfish, and that may be true. But how many of our decisions and desires for our children are indeed selfish?

Here's the deal...

Our son's name is Kole Kahelemeakua. It took a lot of arguing and discussion to arrive at this name. Kole (Cole) is the only name I liked that my husband liked too. More details about that later. His middle name was decided by my husband. It means "one who walks with God." I like the meaning for sure, but I wanted his middle name to be Koamalu, which means "peaceful courage." he didn't like the meaning or the sound of "mal" since in Spanish mal means bad. Sort of understandable to me, but I only gave in on the condition that I get to spell his first name with a K instead of C.

The K is the only thing I got to fully choose for my son: the boy I dreamt of having for years and years. I had wanted this boy for so long and he would be coming out with nothing in his name to represent his mama but this K. (We didn't even put my maiden name in his name, as is a Filipino tradition.)

A simple reason I don't want to change it, and partly why I thought of it in the first place, is I don't want him to have an ordinary name. 99% of Coles are spelled with a C. My boy is not average, neither will his name be.

And in that same way, I want him to know who he is and be confident in it. Here in Hawai'i, the word "okole" means butt (pronounced oh-ko-leh). He says he'll literally be the butt of every joke. But is it really that drastic? Kids get teased for one thing or another through their childhood. It sucks, but I see it as a part of growing up. You may suffer at the time but the goal is that you would come out of it stronger, and their silly comments would roll of your shoulders. I don't want him to suffer - of course not! But I don't want to start him off on this foot that gives in to pressures from others. They tease, so I change myself?.....Heck no! You make em recognize you are who you are, NOT who they say you are. That is an important life skill that I pray my son learns early.

A final reason I dot think we need to change the spelling of his name is that he supposedly was to be attending school on the mainland. I thought this was established but as usual my hubby has probably extended plans to stay here in Hawai'i. He says "who knows" but I thought we already did. Who knows...I guess we'll see about that (a whole 'nother can o' worms).

Bittersweet Mama

I took Kole to the beach just me and him he other day and he was so excited. He would sit in the water and play all by himself. He giggles as he kicked his feet in the wet sand and somehow rotated as he did it. The cutesy thing ever. I really need a waterproof case for my camera!

People were kinda fascinated that this little man loved the ocean so much. He isn't scared even though he can't walk it swim haha.


Today we were playing games in his iPad and there were animals and sounds. When the pig came on and oinked, he snorted too! Things like that melt my heart because it's bittersweet: he's so smart but he's growing up so fast. He even walked with daddy only holding one hand today. *le sighhh*

I feel the clock ticking

It's less than three weeks until Kole's birthday and even less time until we'll be in leaving for Seattle. I'm feeling the pressure to get a million things done the way I want them to be done. I'm not always good at deadlines but I really do try most the time. Today I got a little bit done on a special guest book I'm getting printed for the party. I need to finish that and a video/slideshow too.

There really aren't enough hours in a day. We ran some errands at the mall and lost track of time. The boy got a late nap and was quite a challenge to put down for bed even though it was 2 hours past his normal bed time. Now it's late and I should be sleeping soon but I need to sort my upcoming tasks, jot down a couple lists of things we need, clean the kitchen and the living room...I should also fold the laundry buuuuut that will have to wait until tomorrow.

It's so true that a woman's work is never done, especially moms. I hope someday I'll learn to work the hours we're given. Until then I'll just keep living off minimal sleep.

Good night!

Alive and well

Nope, I didn't die in childbirth. I'm alive and well. I haven't posted here but I've been journaling in my cell phone, which I'll copy-paste here asap. I'm just barely gaining a balance in this new life as a mom to where I can make or find time to do things aside from being a mom and wife. Baby steps.

How can I sum up the last 6-months? I guess I would say it's been an exhausting dream come true. I LOVE being mama. My hubby and I are closer in many ways since we have worked as a team raising and caring for our son. (We're not as close in other ways buuuuut that's normal for now I guess, Lol.) This new chapter in our lives hasn't been easy but it has made me feel that much more complete. I've known I wanted to be a mama and to devote my time and energy to the job that it is.

On top of our regular stuff we're also in the process of closing on a condo nearby. What a stressful process, but it will also be worth it if we can get a place of our own. That will be another dream fulfilled.



God has been so good to me, and I am continuously in awe of His provision and plans for us. More later...the boy is waking up. :)