Truly a Mele Kalikimaka

All I needed/wanted this year was to know we'll have everything baby needs and of course quality time with my boo. I got it! He was put on call Christmas Eve and off on Christmas so we have had a lot of good time together this holiday - love it! And we got a couple checks in the mail, with some of the money specifically for our baby boy so he's even more set than before, and it feels good. We haven't had to spend out of pocket at all yet for him, besides a those onesies we bought and some medical expenses. How blessed are we?? God is amazing and I'm overwhelmed and in awe of His provision every time.

We ate at my boss' beautiful house with her awesome family for Christmas Eve, then stopped by Honolulu Hale to see the lights. We went late but there were still so many people there, pretty cool. One thing I like around here is how the stores don't all stay open until midnight the night before Christmas; they actually close around 6pm. I assume it's a family oriented mindset, and I like that. We opened the gifts under our little tree around 1am. So fun, even just the two of us (our last year with just us two!). Then this afternoon we went to his uncle's place to visit the fam and eat...and eat! Then just hung out at the beach for a while.

It was a light gift year overall, and that is just how I wanted it. I don't need anything really and I didn't wanna stress over shopping this year. I got baby on the brains and that's enough weighing over me (well and in front of me, hehe). Christmas away from most of our family and friends doesn't feel the same, but I'm truly content to be with my hubby. Island Christmas is so different feeling anyway since it's hot in "winter." Not complaining cuz I sure don't miss snow. It's pretty, until you need to go somewhere. I could live without it though. How many other places would I have gotten to watch the sunset on the beach in my bikini on Christmas evening?



♥ Mele Kalikimaka ♥

I like today

Even though late ultrasounds are usually due to there being a possible issue, I'm so happy I got to see my lil baby boy today. We got a new disc of pics and took home some new pics for his ultrasound album. I am doing much better than last week and feeling a little more confident that he'll keep cooking until January, like he's supposed to. Doc says he looks good, and I'm proud to say he's 4.5 pounds. He is in the 51st percentile for this gestation, so he's average weight. We had been thinking maybe he's smaller than average since I seem to be showing small (as I still hear all the time).

Then we went to the mall and I got "What to Expect the First Year." Tried to find some books on labor coping techniques but we'll actually probably go find a video soon. We found some fun onesies for baby. One says "I want to surf like my daddy" and the other says "I ♥ boobies" - you can guess which one my hubby found most amusing. I also got a nursing bra that is so comfy, and a new shirt that actually has room for my belly. The bra needed to have room for growth since I haven't got my milk in yet and I never ever imagined buying a D-cup bra...so weird for me! I hope I don't completely shrivel and can still fill a A-cup after breastfeeding. Never know...

There's a lot of things I'm starting to wonder about my body post-pregnancy. It has changed so much and if all goes according to plan, this won't be my last pregnancy, so more changes await. I look at my pre-pregnancy pictures and I can bet that I'll never look like that again. Not that it's not worth it; I guess it's just another sacrifice you make to be a mama. As long as hubby still thinks I'm sexy it's aaallllll gooooooood.

What a week

Time has flown since I shared the details of my horrible morning last Tuesday. And Tuesday morning wasn't the end...

I started having abdominal pain in the afternoon that I tried to wait out and let it pass, but it just wouldn't. It hurt to move and I was even tender to the touch sometimes. It was kinda scary after a couple hours so I called my doctor. I was advised to drink lots of water and rest; if the pain doesn't stop in 30-minutes, go to Kapiolani L&D (which is where premies need to be delivered). I ended up going to Kapiolani via the emergency department. Luckily my hubby was off work so he was able to drive me and help keep me calm. Of course my mind was racing, but he reminded me to not assume the worst.

By the time I actually got to see a nurse, my pain had gone down a lot. Long story short, we were there for about 3-hours. I was put on monitoring, gave a urine sample, got an ultrasound, and a couple cervix checks. They calmly told me I was having contractions - since they were calm I assumed I should be too, but it was weird to hear. Since the contractions didn't seem to be changing my cervix, they sent me home with an antibiotic prescription to clear up anything that could be causing complications. I can't remember the last time I took an antibiotic, but I didn't hesitate when it comes to making sure I'm doing everything I can and am supposed to do to benefit the baby.

One thing that made the visit positive was that we got to see him on the ultrasound. Turns out he's already head down. When I thought he was kicking my hip bone, he is actually punching it, while my ribs are getting the actual kicks. Fun to know (still not so fun to feel sometimes, lol). The doc actually did two ultrasounds - the first was to gather info on him, the second was to demonstrate to a new doc how to identify measuring points on a fetus. She said he has great markers (or something like that). Our baby has already been a model example!

Okay, this is turning out longer than I planned, but there's more...

I had to see my doc within a few days to follow-up on all this, rather than waiting for my appointment I had scheduled for the next week. I was glad to see her but it really turns out that I may just be what she called, "a cramper." That's not to say I shouldn't continue to take it easy, but it's good to know what I'm prone to and how to possibly manage it. So it'll be a couple about 2 more months of lots of rest and LOTS of water. Been drinking at least 2-liters a day now. She gave me another prescription for emergency use if I start having regular contractions in an hour in the next few weeks. Another one of those things that I'm glad I have it but the fact that I might need it is kinda scary. Praying that bottle never gets opened!

And finally - on a much lighter note - I awoke from a nap this afternoon with a wet spot on the right side of my tank top. Huh??? Lol. Actually my hubby noticed it first and we realized it was leakage. My tank was dark so I don't know what color it was. I washed it as soon as I realized the spot wasn't going away after a couple hours, but there's still a slight mark right on the boob. Good thing I usually wear it under something. Now I'm paranoid about my shirts and bras. I have some disposable pads but I don't wanna use them up before the baby comes. I'm gonna go get some washable ones which I think are best used for smaller leaks anyways.

To sum it all up...Being pregnant is a trip.

I know I won't forget this morning

I was up off and on last night for various reasons and I still tried to go into work today. Fail. I am not on any normal sleep schedule so trying to get back into routine one day a week is hard, but this morning was the worst I've ever felt. I have been real tired lately but sleep easiest in the afternoons - how convenient. I'm pretty wide awake at night then I wake up around 7 or 8am most days and can't go back to sleep for a couple hours. The only problem is that once I do fall back asleep, I'm out until at least noon.

Last night I was accompanied by hunger and my very active lil baby boy. I ate some Cheerios around 1:30am which was just enough to get my stomach to stop growling. Baby boy is most often up at this time, which is fine cuz I am usually too, but for most of the night he decided to tap dance on my hip. I've read of women complaining about this sensation, and now I know why. I have to always be thankful that he's so active, but it truly kept me up last night. I think he may have shifted positions cuz it's my left hip and right ribs that take a lot of beatings now. I wish I could at least watch him in there, lol.

Anyways, my alarm went off at 5am...I snoozed for 9 min...then it went of again....and I sat...for 15min at the edge of the bed. Trying not to be emotional cuz I knew I was just super tired. I only work 1-day a week and I wanted to suck it up. This time that was a bad idea. After about 2-hours at work it hit me: dizzy, nauseous, hot flashes. Just as the cold sweat was hitting (and by then I was sitting on the floor behind the counter in front of the a/c), I'm pretty sure I passed out. The last thing I remember was closing my eyes cuz I was overwhelmed with all those symptoms, then I woke up with my face on our nasty floor right by the fridge and sinks. Yum.

I had to get outta there but I was slow and dazed. Finally did of course, but felt like crap, not just physically, but for leaving my shift so early. I hate leaving my co-workers hanging, and especially my boss. I usually pull through okay, but I knew I'd be pretty useless if I stayed, and it wouldn't be the healthiest choice for me.

I really think it's the lack of sleep that got to me. I ate a whole peanut butter & jelly sandwich at 5:30, and was drinking water the whole time I had been at work. I even snacked on a little coffee cake and sipped a banana smoothie. I should've been all right, but I guess I gotta learn to read my body better. Sometimes it's hard to remember my body is not the same body as it used to be for now. I have to not compare myself to other pregos too. I feel weaker or less capable than other pregnant women a lot of times. At least I'm not on bed rest I guess.

Well, better get some real sleep. Your prayers are appreciated. ♥

Let the Christmas season begin!

I can actually be excited for Christmas now that my hubby will be off that night. That's the best gift I can ask for. I really don't need anything as far as gifts go; I just wanna know that my baby boy is okay and we have everything we need for him when he comes out. I would love to see my family but that's not gonna happen (aside from my Hawai'i ohana here).

Overall, I honestly don't wanna do the whole gift thing this year. I wanna save money and I do not want to fight the malls. I did buy some stuff to make a few cards but I just wanna take it easy and keep my load light this year. It gets harder to keep that mindset as the day gets closer, cuz I love to give gifts! But I don't like to give a gift just to give one; I like them to be useful and sure to be loved. We all have enough "stuff" and while the thought can be touching, in the end, I don't wanna give random stuff, if possible.

I've had our tree out since last week - I couldn't wait until after Thanksgiving (on which day we had a great lunch with my boss & her family; I love that lady!). It's just a little 2' fiber-optics tree, but it's cute and does the job. I love looking at it. We have our 3 stockings hanging at the bottom: 2 small ones, and 1 mini. :)

That's the latest I guess. We have been real busy with errands most days, and we have our expectant parent class once a week, plus we see the doctor every 2-weeks now. Just getting ready for are son to arrive. I am nesting, but mostly in my head since there's not a whole lot to do in this lil apartment. It makes me so happy to see that J is excited too. Feels good. I can't wait for our family to grow (only 2 more months). +1 on the way!!

Up late again

Insomnia has come back pretty strong for me. Hadn't been an issue since first trimester. I'm not uncomfortable physically, my mind is just overactive I think. I'm excited to be a mama! And we're in our last couple months of pregnancy, which is the time to finish all the prep we can think of for our baby boy. Sometimes I can't sleep until I wear my brain out, but usually I get hungry again before that happens.

Guess I should try to sleep again...after a snack, of course.

Let's catch up a little

Honestly, I've been lazy to blog. Fatigue has returned in the last couple weeks (thank you, third trimester). Before that my husband was sick one week, I got sick the next week, then we had our first disturbing visit to our doctor where we were told my cervix was slightly dilated. This visit happened in the same week the world lost Andy Irons, and I learned my bestie would be leaving the island and my husband would be working Christmas. The good news is I went back a week later for a check-up with my doc and there was little to no progression, which means I have escaped being sentenced to bed rest at this point. We did cut my working down to one day a week, maybe occasionally two, but only opening shifts (shortest) and should be sitting/resting during my shift as much as possible. What a relief and answered prayer that our baby boy isn't trying to come out this early.

What's new? I bought my first maternity jeans that I LOVE and a belly band to hopefully combat back pain and even front pains. I'm experiencing a lot of round ligament pain as I (we) grow; I feel it most when I'm more active. I am learning to take it easier but it really is hard sometimes. I may be lazy at times but I am also a brat and I want to do things when I want to do them. But more and more I learn that my body is not my own for now. Every day is an adjustment not just to how and when I do things, but to my wardrobe as well. I got a new swimsuit that covers what it should and a sarong that covers more when I'm walking down the street. I'm loving the umbrella my honey got me for lounging on the beach while he surfs. Makes me sad that I can't go out with him, but at least I can watch and dream of when I'll get back out there.

We started a class at Queen's for the next 6-weeks, called Expectant Parent Class. Already got us registered and they gave us a tour of the entire maternity floor. It made me so excited to be there and see where the event will happen. That excitement may be contributing my trouble sleeping lately, but at least it's a happy feeling more than worry. The next classes will be about breastfeeding, labor process, postpartum, etc. Luckily, hubby will be there for all of them too so we can learn together. :) He's the best.

Goal: Learn to ask hubby for help more often so I don't feel overwhelmed.

Praise: I will have my boo on Christmas! He still works Christmas Eve but at least I get one of those nights with him. Thank you Jesus!

Pic: Me, today (29-weeks)

Crazy body

I'm 23-weeks along now and growing! I have grown very noticeably especially in the last month. Very exciting and very uncomfortable. This post is just to share (and document) my current symptoms and just stuff about being pregnant...

*Linea negra: the darkening of the skin in a line straight down from belly button.

*Sensitive skin: I've gotten pink (almost burned) from being out in the sun in the last week, with sunscreen! Very rare for me.

*Pimples: more frequent on my face but not too bad, but my chest almost always has a couple :(

*Back pain: hard to manage but I'm doing stretches and learning to bend/lie down/move more properly.

*Energy/Emotions: this last week has been kinda low on both...feeling sad for what seems to be no reason sometimes

*Food cravings: I've really been wanting dairy products a lot. I bumped up my calcium regime to see if that makes a difference but nothing so far. (I should be taking that supplement anyway I'm sure.)

*Bellybutton: has become more shallow and is darker skin inside. I had to change out my stainless steel ring for my old gold one since the other apparently was a little infected.

*Breasts: bigger, and darker pigment

*Hips: a little wider (can't wear most old pants or shorts)

*Feet: I'm still debating whether they've actually grown yet or not. Some shoes feel that way.

*Hair/nails: hair seems normal, currently letting it grow out...nails have been really nice

*Brain: huh?

*Bladder: he's definitely sitting on it

*Baby kicks: He's so active and it only is slightly a nuisance when I'm trying to sleep and he's doing gymnastics, lol. J can only feel it occasionally at this point.

Don't have: sensitivity to smell, edema, nausea, blotchy skin...

Doing well, overall. Putting together a scrapbook for our lil boy to distract me when time passes slow and channel my excitement.

:)

Less than 4-months left

I sit and meditate more and more on how my life and our lives (mine and my husband's together) will change so drastically. The biggest part of me is excited and maybe even feels ready, but there are still those parts of me that are anxious and even sad to let go of the life we have now.

I love being able to spend as much time with J as I can. I know that time will be decreasing and will be different. What I'm confident in is that we are both committed to each other and our relationship; we're aware that it's going to be a struggle for quality time at times but our marriage is important enough to put that extra effort in.

I've known for a long time now that I want to be a mama. I actually have a good amount of confidence in my ability to be one (and the encouragement from my friends and family helps that feeling too). The parts I struggle with are teenage years and just that normal parent worry of "I want the best for my child"..."Will they make the right choices"..."How do I protect them without smothering them?"

Etc...etc...

I'm already a "mom" I guess. As soon as I wanted to become pregnant I had to change how I do things, how I think about things, what I plan my life around. I care for my coming child by what I eat, drink, and do or don't do; it's all about him. That's the difference for women though; we're mom's from conception. Guys get a little more adjustment period but I think it hits them even harder than us in some ways. Being motherly is more natural for women than for men most of the time. We get a head start being mama while the baby is still inside; he is daddy in an instant on the day the baby comes out.

From either side, it's big. I'm just so thankful I can share it all with the love of my life. ♥

I am not a statistic

Statistically, I am more likely to...

become an alcoholic or drug addict

be in an abusive relationship

get a divorce

suffer from depression or other psychological disorder

abuse my own children in some way

commit a crime and end up in jail

have difficulty with close relationships

have difficulty holding a job

...BUT statistics got nothin' on the Grace of God.

I am free from the hurts and sins of my past, and the bondage that statistics like these can hold over our heads. Healing is a lifelong process but I am not healing myself; the love of God heals me daily. I am not alone. I am not a statistic.

Some references:

http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics

http://www.yesican.org/stats.html

http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/statistics-about-children-and-divorce.html

Pregnant eyes

The things I see from pregnant eyes. The world is different these days - maybe I should say, the way the world interacts with me and the way I interpret the world is different I guess. People around us always have expectations of what we should or shouldn't do, look like, act like, feel like, or want, but it's a new set of "things" since I'm pregnant.

People expect I should be bigger. I must be smaller than the average 5-month pregnant lady (so I hear...every day). But really, I'm smaller than the average lady too! I don't take it personal but it's just one of those things you hear every time you talk to someone and it gets old sometimes. I'm only having one baby, and he's 75% Filipino; he probably won't be that big by the time he comes out either. Cute though, that's for sure.

Another thing I'm more conscious of is my wedding ring. I always want to wear it and don't like going out anytime without it, but with this baby bump I feel like I would be judged more harshly appear like I'm an unmarried pregnant girl (especially since I look so young). It makes me think of my friends or family that have babies outside of marriage and I can understand how they felt more so with all those eyes on them. I know not everyone cares, but it's just something that pops into my head these days.

I'm also body-conscious for the first time really in my life. I'm blessed to never have weight issues and even when I had a little extra I liked it and was (over)confident. I'm feeling better now that it's pretty obvious I'm pregnant and not sporting a full-on beer/nacho/pot belly. But deep down that goes back to me caring what people are thinking when they look at me. What if I do have a pot belly? What if I do drink a lot of beer? I dunno... The other thing is feeling good in my clothes. I have enough outfits for now that I can wear and feel good in. I love my clothes and I miss my jeans, but I'm proud to show off my growing baby boy. I just wanna be comfortable while doing it. Luckily I do have an amazing husband supporting me and encouraging me every day. He's seriously the best; more than I ever imagined. Thank you God!

Something more from my perspective is that I notice pregnant women every day. It's kinda like when you start driving a certain car, you notice how many of them are already on the road, haha. I like it though. It's like a sisterhood, like you're not alone and you can instantly relate to that woman in some way no matter how far along she is. It's nice when there's a couple of us at the beach too, cuz I think we can give each other the confidence to be out there, bellies and all.

Blurrrrrrr

Our trip to Seattle was such a b l u r. I am amazed at how fast 10-days can go by. All the family is feeling it - a sort of sadness like it all ended too soon. A lot happened except for just being together. If only we could get together again sooner than later, but life is too demanding I guess.

I'm kind of back into the swing of things here in the islands. I have barely unpacked and haven't done any laundry, but like I said, life is swinging already. Both of us have been back to work and running errands and trying to spend our own quality time. I need that for sure.

As for Baby, he is growing. I feel it inside and out. I'm showing more consistently (not just after I eat), and I gained 5-pounds in Seattle which actually catches me up to be more of the weight I should be at by now. On Sunday I'll be 20-weeks a.k.a. 5-MONTHS pregnant! Time is flying, and it's sinking in how much our lives will be altered in just 4 short months. Whoa. I'm so thankful for all the love and support we're receiving from family and friends. Not only are we excited for our baby boy, but so many around us are sharing that excitement too and it feels good.

...still waiting for that first kick...

Not a vacation

This trip to Seattle has been nothing but on-the-go. From pre-wedding to day-of-wedding to post-wedding and even a surprise baby shower on the day of the wedding...I'm exhausted. I got mad love for all the family in town, and I actually wish for more down time together but that will have to wait for a reunion that doesn't revolve around the highly anticipated wedding of my hubby's sister.

[pic: our cake! made for us for the surprise baby shower]

The wedding was a lot of fun and surprisingly low stress on our end. We weren't in it (just the family procession) so I'm sure we missed any of those mishaps that weddings are famous for. Good food, lots of dancing, and almost no clean-up: awesome.

[pic: me and the bride]

My boo left yesterday, which was hard for me, but as I predicted I will only now begin to spend time with my own family. Thankfully they've been patient and understanding. One evening with my siblings and the baby shower with my friends is all I got left, besides the in between times while I'm chillin' at my mom's. Another blessing is that the newly married sister-in-law has granted me access to her car while they are honeymooning. Wish we had that freedom this whole time! But we survived.

Off to run errands with mama! :)

The latest

Just had my monthly check-in with my doctor and as usual I didn't get in the exam room for 45+ minutes after I got there and the reception girl was rude and incompetent as ever. Oh well... My doctor did apologize and seemed sincerely bothered I had been out there so long, but we wait an average of 20-30 minutes every time we've gone so I dunno. I always feel better after we get in there and get to talk about the baby and stuff.

I'm going to be 17-weeks along on Sunday. I've only gained 3-pounds but that's 2 in the last month so I guess I'm on the right track. Been spending a lot of time looking at boy names and researching meanings, popularity, sounding it out with our last name and potential middle names. Boys names are so hard! I could probably pick one, but my hubby and I have yet to agree. Good thing we have about 5-months to argue - I mean "decide". ;)

Trying to prepare for our visit home. We need to decide what we'll wear to the wedding and how to pack the stuff we're bringing back (like clothes we haven't worn since we moved here), and even trying to have a tentative itinerary with family and friends; all that fun stuff. I wish I could pack now haha but I don't want my stuff to get all musty staying in the suitcase too long or be perma-wrinkled. I'm just excited, well also anxious because our time is so divided; not only between both families - which is lopsided since there is a wedding on his side - but there are dear friends we would love to spend quality time with that I hope works out. I extended my stay which is gives me slightly more flexibility, but it also separates me from my love for 4 days. It's so hard to be apart from him. I'm glad we both feel that way after all this time though. That's a blessing I'll never take for granted.

♥

It's a BOY!

We've been waiting for this day for 5 weeks! Our last appointment was too early to tell what the sex was, plus the back was turned most of the time. I asked the little one a few times up until today for some cooperation and thankfully we got it today: legs wide open for us to see the goods, lol.

My honey is very happy to have a boy first. He definitely wants a daughter, but a boy first. I have always always wanted a son, but once I found out I was pregnant, I didn't feel any preference, which was surprising to me. All I know is I was overjoyed to hear, "It's definitely a boy." I had to hold back most of my tears the whole appointment so I could listen and watch - didn't want to miss a thing. The doc was koo and pointed out specific sections of the brain and the chambers of the heart (so cool). He let us know the spine, heart, and brain are looking good but we won't know the full results for anomalies using the pics and my blood draw for about another week. I was just glad to see that heart beating strong and our little baby boy being so active still. ♥

Date day!

Usually my hubby and I plan an afternoon/evening where it's just us and we spend quality time: date night. We have fallen out of any routine over here in Hawai'i since we have so much time together in general but we still declare certain nights "date night." Today was an entire date day and it was awesome.

We woke up late in the morning but early enough to have a packed day. We decided it on dim sum for breakfast, which we haven't gone out for specifically since we've lived here so it was kind of exciting. The place we ate at in China town was just okay. The food was definitely fresh but we ordered some fried rice that I could tell I didn't need to eat any of.

Then we stopped by Kalihi to visit his grandma who just got back from the Philippines. She wasn't home so we hung out with his Uncle for a bit before we headed to out on our road trip.

With full tummies still full we headed west. We haven't spent much time at all on the Leeward side but wanted to explore a little today. We drove through Waipahu and Waianae and finally stopped at a Makaha beach. It was so quiet and so hot. We didn't stay long at all and decided we needed more familiarity (and shade).

It has been a while since we hit up Hale'iwa town so we got back on the freeway, northbound. It was nice to get back up there, especially since things are calmer up there with the winter swells hibernating. Passing through the pineapple fields, I sang songs to entertain my boo. First stop in Hale'iwa was Raging Isle. We shopped a bit and each got some shorts; his for surfing, mine with a partially expandable waistband for my expanding tummy. :)

I was happy to catch the post office and finally buy my stamps I've been saying I need to buy for almost a week. Then I spotted a health food store and knew I'd find something yummy and nutritious for that expanding tummy. Inside there is a health bar called Paradise Found Cafe; all vegetarian menu, which I can do on occasion. I ordered what turned out to be an awesome avocado sandwich. Loved it. We also got an acai bowl to share for the road. Just a block away was the shrimp truck awaiting my honey's bottomless stomach. We ate and were fully satisfied with our Hale'iwa treats.

Our final north shore stop-off was Ehukai beach park. We just layed in the sand and looked at cools shells. J went for a quick swim but the sun was too low for me by that point. I needed the exercise but we figured it's not worth the shivers that I'd get. It was so relaxing on the beach, especially compared to the chaos we usually have around us at Waikiki. Very nice close to our long day - which technically wasn't over.

We still needed to visit his adorable grandma back in Kalihi. We headed there for dinner and to catch up with her. I was pleasantly surprised that she had cooked sinigang for us (with bangos)! Definitely one of my favorite soups. After refusing to eat all the food she pulled out of the fridge for us as usual, we sat on the couch and watched funny Filipino tv together. It's always nice to spend time with his grandma; she's the nicest old lady ever.

I started to dose off on my hubby's lap and it was time to go. We took our treats she brought back for us and headed home. After a couple late night snacks (for me) and some tv, bed time never sounded so good. I'm surprised and glad I last all day without a nap or getting grumpy. Good times.

Happy birthday to me!

I am 26 years old. I am officially "mid-to-late-20's" :) haha! I don't feel old, but it always feels weird to say I'm another year older and being around younger people just sinks it deeper into my aging bones and brain. I got to spend the entire day with my lovely husband who made every effort to please the will of Queen Olive for the day. I like days like this.

I got to sleep in thanks to my co-worker KR who covered for me - thank you my dear! And we were planning on eating at the fabulous Halekulani breakfast buffet at House Without A Key restaurant, but that sleeping in part kinda trumped so we headed to Kailua for our first visit to Cinnamon's. I have been looking forward to eating there since it's so popular. We shared a 2-stack of red velvet pancakes and by the time he got through his omelette, and I got through my meatloaf sandwich, there was no more room for the infamous guava chiffon pancakes. But that's just more of an excuse to come back, which we will definitely do. I was super impressed with our selections (I'll review later), but the hype can't be for nothing right? And I wanna see what the real fuss is about.

We stopped at the mall afterwards and got my long awaited avocado bubble shake....mmmmmmm! Walked around a bit, but we were both tired and feeling under the weather on top of it, so headed home. We chilled on the couch and cuddled a bit, falling asleep for a short time. I knew he'd want to surf since he had already called in sick to work anyways so since it was my birthday I decided I'd treat myself to some waves as well. I did my best to catch on my knees rather than paddling on my stomach the whole time. That is so new to my body and I'm sure I'll be recovering still in a couple days. Caught some worthwhile rides and it just felt so good to be out there again, especially with my boo.

Came home, got showered up, and ready for dinner. I chose The Old Spaghetti Factory since it's been months since we ate there. I like that place. It's a full meal deal for a good price; can't beat that! Although I couldn't finish off my meal, I was satisfied and felt special sitting in the trolley and getting sung to for my birthday with a candle in my ice cream. Simple joys of getting a little attention, haha! :)

We arrived back to our area just in time for the huge concert getting out - so many people crossing at every corner! We missed several turns trying to avoid them, then got caught in the worst part of it all and basically took 30-40 minutes to travel what should've been 3 blocks. Ay ay ay! Now that we're home, it's couch potato time as we let our food settle and soon enough it will be b e d t i m e zzZZZ...

Feelin' the heat

So it's summer, but I'm heated from the inside out right now. I have been easily cold for the last 5 years or so that I can remember - not sure why, kinda thought it was cuz not enough insulation (i.e. meat on my bones). But whatever the reason, it's been annoying, especially when I lived in Seattle and I had to wear 2 pairs of pants at all times or suffer the shivers. No joke. Now that I'm in the islands I definitely have held a steadier temperature. I didn't even own shorts when I moved here!

When you are pregnant you're body is working overtime, so you give off more heat. I'm noticing this as the weather stays hotter this summer. Even my husband feels my heat and it gets to be too much for him at times. It's weird cuz I've always been the cold one, lol. I still get cold of course, but I always put my hair up lately because it keeps the heat flowing off my neck rather than trapping it. Also, I hate how my hair looks right now, which I plan to fix in Seattle when we visit in a few weeks. *phew*

I'll call it, "Feeling pregnant"

So I'm about 14-weeks along now and just saw the doctor for our monthly check in last Friday. She didn't seem convinced that our due date should be changed so I've adjusted it in my mind a couple days, Lol. All I was happy to hear was the sound of our baby's heartbeat through the doppler. What an amazing sound. ♥

Heading into this second trimester I'm barely showing at all but I'm feeling more pregnant...I think. Not that I really know what that feels like since this is my first, but that's what I'm calling it. I am so tired and so hungry, and my back is hurting. The tired and hungry I get, but back pain already?! It's my lower back, mostly on the left lately. It will even shoot down my leg if I lean just right. Fun stuff. I used to think it would flare up from lying down too much, but recently it starts to hurt when I've been standing or walking a bit. I may need new slippers or orthotics for my work shoes. I may need to actually take a break at work. I may just need to wait until my body continuously adjusts to its changing self; that could take a while. I expected back pain when I have a cantaloupe in front of me, but not a lemon.

Still working my 3 shifts per week and exercising 2-3 times per week. I'd say I'm active enough, which I hope in time will curb my fatigue. I definitely miss surfing with my boo, and he misses it too. :( That was our quality time for almost a year. We're learning how to spend time in the ocean together other ways and even going for more walks. It doesn't replace surf time but I just love spending time with my love either way.

I can barely imagine being pregnant anywhere else. It's warm here, always, but not too hot if you're in the right spot. You can wear comfy dresses every day without freezing. The ocean is your playground and you won't ever be the only preggo in a swimsuit. It would be even harder to get me off my butt if it was cold outside haha. I'll have to experience that at some point but for now, I'm loving where I'm at for my first pregnancy.

Alooooooha!

Last week was awesome

I meant to post about my amazing week last week but it flew by and I still feel like life is flying by. Monday we had our 2nd ultrasound and were able to hear the heartbeat AND see our little bean jumping and dancing around. I gotta admit I'm not liking the 3D pics better at this point but that may be because the baby's back was turned by the time we were using that wand. Either way, it was an amazing experience and I'm so excited to know the baby is doing well and is lively already! Our next scheduled ultrasound is mid-August. Can't wait!

Although there is now a possible variance of a week in how far along I am, we felt it was an ok time to share the news win the world. We officially announced it via texts, emails, and of course Facebook/Twitter (we're a modern couple ya know). It felt great to share and get excited with everyone now. It was so hard to keep it in for over a month but it was worth the wait.

Then mine and my hubby's 3-year anniversary was on Wednesday last week. He ended up having to work but treated me to a shopping spree the day before at HIC and just made me feel so special. He's the best and I'm blessed beyond what I could've imagined for myself. He is truly my soulboo. I'm so thankful I only love, miss, adore him more and more as time goes on. God is so good.

That's the main highlights of the week. It felt like more events at the time but I must have just been on some natural high Lol.

So far this week has carried over the exhaustion I was feeling last week. I'm so tired again; I thought I was getting past that but I'm feeling it more than ever now. And more than that, I'm feeling HuNgRy!! Its out of control really. Sometimes hard to keep finding new things to eat - seriously! I don't seem to be gaining weight yet though but I'm sure it's on the way. I do hope so!

[pic: hungry monster...and yes, as a matter of fact i am hungry]

Start spreading the news...

Well, it's official! We've made it public knowledge that we are expecting our first baby. It feels nice to be able to share this time with everyone now. I am feeling the love, and loving the excitement from everyone. Makes me more excited.

Our 2nd ultrasound went well today. From what the tech could see, no signs of problems or down syndrome at this point. We're scheduled to go back in 5-weeks for the second part of the screening - and I think we'll be able to find out if we're having a girl or a boy. Bets are on the table; what do you predict?? I personally don't have a preference anymore at this point. I'm just excited to have a baby!

One thing the tech (not a physician) told us is that according to his measurements the fetus may actually be due a week later than originally predicted. He said the measurements are a little small to be 12-weeks. This is funny to me because in my earlier posts about being pregnant I mentioned that according to my calculations I thought I might be a little less along versus basing it on the first day of my last cycle. Mama knows! Haha, but we'll see. My doctor will need to confirm before the due date is officially adjusted. Either way, baby should be born in the latter half of January 2011, possibly even the first few days of February.

So am I 12-weeks or 11-weeks? I'll have to report back on that in a couple weeks. However far along I am, there is major activity going on inside. We got to hear the heartbeat and watch him/her jump and pretty much I'll say dance around the womb. Soooooo cool.

>>How I'm feeling at 12-weeks

Today brings us to 12-weeks in to our pregnancy. I am feeling more changes than I can see, but a part of me wishes it was visible to people outside of me.

I can feel my body changing as the fetus develops - currently it's the size of a lime! Growing so fast, which explains my appetite. I don't mind eating a lot but I can't seem to eat much at once, and I usually don't want to eat something again that I've recently eaten. I know, picky, right? Hey, my body speaks and I just do what makes it feel best. I wish it were that easy when it comes to getting dressed and staying comfortable while lying down. I currently don't have any jeans I can wear if I plan on eating. Not a big problem, since I have dresses and skirts, and other kinds of pants, but I'm technically not really showing so it's deceiving to myself. I'm a little poochy but nothing that would cause a stranger to ask themselves "Is she pregnant?"...more like, "She must like beer and chips." The small bloat I have is exaggerated to only me because of how I feel. I do feel like a weightiness in my pelvic area and like there's so much going on inside (cuz there is!).

As far as sleeping, I have to move slower when I turn over or I get a strong pain in my sides/waist. It was shocking the first few times, but apparently common, even before you have the extra weight in front. Even when I'm lying on my side I can feel some pull. I've started propping my tummy up with a folded wash cloth for now. I'm sure I'll be searching out a nice body pillow in a month or two. Once I get to sleep these things don't seem to bug me much, but getting to sleep at night can be an issue too. For some reason I'm feeling energized at night again. I'll be sleepy but my mind races and wants to talk. Funny...for a little bit.

All this said, I should be clear that I'm so happy to be pregnant. I'm excited to show off my baby bump once I get one. I'm fascinated by the changes going on with my body, even if I'm not quite adjusted yet. God created us so strong and amazing to carry life inside of us. I'm in awe and honored to be having a baby and to be a mama. This is what I've always wanted! :)

~

Tomorrow is ultrasound #2. It's a screening for down syndrome and any other anomalies. Kinda nervous but confident since we are young, healthy and our family history is relatively clean. I am mostly excited hoping I get a new picture of my baby-to-be! That is the fun part.

See you at the crossroads...

I've known this day was coming. It's not like I could ever forget it. People have been talking about it on Facebook, reposting pictures. I don't know what was going on inside me that I went about my business, but this afternoon was when it all hit me.

Jamila Renea Alba passed away 1-year ago on July 7, 2009.

My niece. My brother's youngest daughter at the time. A 14-year old girl. Rest in peace, girl. We miss you more than words can express.

I honestly can't believe how much it still hurts when I really let it sink in. I'm extra hormonal right now, but I can feel the pain deep in my heart, not just the tears on my cheeks. And I can feel the pain from my family, who I'm so far away from right now. That doesn't make it easier.

As corny as it sounds, what really got through to me today was Bone-Thugs-n-Harmony's song, "Tha Crossroads." It made me think of all the unnecessary deaths in the hood and just that thug lifestyle; it made me thankful that I got my life straight and away from those situations. But I also was reminded how many people in my life I lost just last year, especially Jamila. I don't think I've cried this hard since it happened. It's amazing how love really doesn't die, so the pain when you lose someone you love never really dies either.

>>Reading up

In the last week, and well, since I found out I was pregnant, I've done a lot of reading online. Forums are great! I like how we can just type a question into Google and find an answer. Of course I weed through the lame or silly answers but a lot of the information has helped me learn and to realize all the stuff going on inside me is normal.

I thought I was weird for not wanting vegetables lately. Apparently it's very common, and most women supplement with their vitamins and/or more fruit in their diet. That's basically what I've been doing; I've been craving fruit like mad. Thank goodness I've kept a lot of fruit around, because without it, I have trouble staying regular nowadays.

I read up on breast feeding this morning. I had never really thought about the fact that you pretty much need to do it right at the hospital, as soon as possible after any tests/complications/etc. Pretty interesting stuff, and kinda scary. I know it's going to hurt at first, but there's a good chance it will just get easier. I'm praying I have enough milk, haha, what a prayer request!

Before I eat anything a little more outside of my normal routine, I Google it too. I've come to realize how silly we are in America. Can I eat sushi? Is it okay to eat spicy Indian food? Ummmmm, Japanese women would probably laugh at us if we told them they shouldn't eat sushi. Seriously. I mean, I'm taking the cautious route, and definitely monitoring my intake of most kinds of fish, but I think since I live in a place where super fresh seafood is the standard I've been okay to even eat some seared ahi tuna. And I read a forum about Indian food where an Indian woman basically pointed out how India is overpopulated and all those women having babies surely ate some spicy and spice-filled foods. Heartburn can be an issue for those not used to it, but really, eat it if that's what you want.

The last thing I'll mention that I needed to read was that not only do these fluctuating hormones make you "sluggish" but they can also serve up some insomnia. Greaaaaaat, nothing better than being tired and unable to sleep, right? I went through some of that for about 4 nights last week and thought I must be crazy. I couldn't even nap without waking up after an hour - feeling tired but eyeballs sticking wide open. I just happened to come across part of an article on babycenter.com that mentioned more effects of hormones. I'm doing better with that the last 3 nights/naps. I think I've actually worn myself out enough that I just sleep for real. I like that.

[pic: the baby is about the size of a kumquat around this time...whatever that is]

>>Strong heartbeat

Our appointment last Friday went awesome (once we got into the room...long story short, my doctor's staff is...blah). J had worked the night before but he woke up once the ultrasound started. The doctor turned the monitor around and showed us our baby's heartbeat - "strong" as she described it. Too early to hear via ultrasound, but we could see that heart pumping away. I was overwhelmed and so excited! There is life in me and it's growing! Praise Jesus!

So many fears were released the night before during my prayer time and then when I saw that little heart beating on the screen I was changed. The signs of life and the shape of the little person changed me. The best is that I feel more confident, especially since I am only 2 weeks away from the second trimester. I know anything can happen during a pregnancy but I'm believing for January 2011 that I'll be holding my baby.

I called all my siblings that afternoon. Talked with most of them by the end of the night and it felt great to finally share the news with them. I love them and miss them all so much and wish I could be around them to share this time in my life. They're all aunties and uncles many times over but this is the first from me. :)

So how am I feeling at 10 weeks? Still tender and growing in the "chest" area. Ketchup is my only weird heightened flavor I like. But it is strange that vegetables do not appeal to me, while beef does a little more than usual (I guess I need protein). I am still more sluggish often, and feel best when I get a lot of sleep, but in the last week have been hit with some insomnia symptoms. That sucks, especially when I have to work the next morning. I am not showing, but I'm often bloated enough that it could look that way, Lol. Feeling a little self-conscious about my changing body at times, but embracing it knowing that it means I'm gonna be a mama. I still get nausea but still haven't actually blown - thank goodness. If I don't let my stomach get real empty, I can avoid the intense nausea. And yes, I'm moody and emotional. I can't watch Oprah without losing track of how many times I tear up or cry haha!

I like weekend

My hubby was off this weekend, and that always makes for a good one. I got a couple random naps in on Saturday after having bad sleep for a few days prior. Apparently fluctuating hormones can cause some insomnia...greeeaaaaaat.

Sunday was awesome! I had to mentally prepare myself for a long day that I didn't wanna miss any part of. We started off with church. The series right now is about children and parenting, and what the Bible really has to say about it. We've been learning things we've never heard preached before and it's been good. And good timing since we're trying to start our family too. Youth group was different because we had planned an afternoon at Ala Moana with burgers, sun, beach - the good stuff. We picked up a few toppings and even though not many of the kids could actually make it, we had a great time. The weather was nice, with some occasional high winds but I still got my butt out in the water to swim eventually to get my exercise. I love hanging out with the kids! They're awesome.

Right after we met up with a couple from Seattle (one of which is actually from here). We've never got to spend much time with them but I'm so thankful we have now. We ate a lot of course and talked for hours. Just another aloha-life experience, hanging with people from home over here. I love it. I hope it's the start of a long friendship. :)

~ ~ ~

Just read some more Deuteronomy. This book is the most highly quoted by Jesus in the New Testament, so it's more than worth reading. I'm currently reading through the Bible chronologically, and I'm really glad it's opening my eyes to more of the Old Testament, which is often overlooked or skimmed by NT churches. I am learning a lot about just the path laid for Jesus' arrival and the things the Jews had to do according to the law, before grace. I'm soooooo thankful for grace. Not just because it got rid of burnt sacrifices but because of the whole picture and circumference of what it means to have grace. We are not bound by rituals or forced to be unclean until evening; we are cleansed by His blood, and that's our undeserved gift which we take for granted and barely even know how to receive. I want to receive it - every day, IN the moments, not after or just when I pray at night.

>>Hope i can sleep tonight

Kinda anxious, but very eXcited, because tomorrow we have our first real doctor appointment. Hopefully it will be our first ultrasound! I will probably request one if they don't think they're going to do one because it is time. I know a lot of women get there's around 6-8 weeks but I'm about to hit 10-weeks, and I'm ready to see what's going on in there. :)

I don't know how I'll react when I hear the heartbeat. Wow.

>>Dreams, hunger, what surfing?

Tomorrow marks 9-weeks. I am excited but can't believe how long 1 week can be in my mind. It'll be almost another week still before I see my doctor next Friday, at which time I will hopefully have an ultrasound. :) Our first!

They say you could have more vivid dreams while pregnant...yep! I have always been a dreamer; full length, color features. But they have definitely been a little more creative and I can tell I'm dreaming every single night because I am remembering them a lot. (Usually that's just fine, nothing bad so far.)

Dreaming is only possible if my tummy is full apparently. I can't get to sleep or go back to sleep once I've been up long enough for my stomach to realize it's hungry. I used to be able to ignore this feeling most of the time but not anymore. Hunger overrides all. A couple crackers won't do. It's gotta be at least half a sandwich for the bean to let up. Haha

As far as exercise, I went on my first hike since we moved here; my first time up Diamond Head. It was a nice pace and length, and the view at the top was awesome of course, but it doesn't replace surfing! :/ I didn't go once this week. I did swim, but no wave riding, sadly. I wanted to cut back but none is rough. I used to go 1-3 times per week, usually twice, but because of the risk of getting hit in the belly (or head) I know I should stay away from those crowded Waikiki waters if possible. *sigh* It will be worth it, I know.

♥

Hungry Eyes, Foolish Hearts

I've been reading (slowly) through the book of Numbers. As far as I can remember, this is the first time I've made it all the way through. Just so you know, it really isn't ALL about numbers; there are many laws listed and several census taken during this time that are accounted for in the book, which can be tedious to read, but I'm learning to go deeper. When we really pray for open minds and hearts to receive as we read these seemingly pointless details, it can happen!

My main eye-opening moment came when I was near the end of the book, where Moses and the Israelites were just about to cross the Jordan River. There were a few clans/tribes that asked to stay back, preferring to inherit the land they've just seen and scouted, rather than go on the promise land that God had been promising them for generations. The first guys that tried that cursed a whole generation of Israelites to wander the desert until that generation died off. What were these guys thinking??

The difference with this new group was they did promise to continue with everyone to ensure Israel did claim its land across the river, only then to return to the other side again. This was approved, but I was still kinda shocked. It made me think of me, and us, and this world - how we can't wait for God's best sometimes. We can witness His greatness and His provision, but when we see something good in our faces we can barely resist, rather than holding out for the best, which has been promised to us by the God of heaven. The God that never lies or exaggerates has intentions to "prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jer 29:11)

This comes down to more than just patience and longsuffering, but to trust and have faith in God, and sacrifice of our own "wisdom" for His infallible foresight and knowledge. How do we get back on the faith train? I'm starting by reading more and more of what the Bible says about God. It's not just to read it and learn it, but to come to live it. Hard stuff for a finite, selfish girl that I am, but thankfully I'm not alone and I'm not expected to do it alone.

>>2 Months

I am now 8-weeks 1-day along. My nausea has improved overall, but I've been feeling really tired lately but for some reason my naps suck. It feels like I'm not asleep but I'll be in bed for hours...weird, can't explain. I definitely need more consistent sleep. If I thought mornings were hard before, I can't express how hard it is to get out of bed nowadays. Went to work today and wanted to push myself to stay as long as possible; I did, but not without gagging after a rush we had. I felt bad for my coworker, but thankful that since there were so many people they didn't hear me behind the counter. Eek.

Lately I notice a correlation between my cramps and gas. This is kind of comforting since I know cramping can be a sign of bad things if more than growing pains in my uterus. No other "bad" signs so far (no spotting of any kind). Feeling pretty confident, but still keeping reality in check since I know I have another month to go until the second trimester.

The embryo is the size of a kidney bean but growing steadily. In my pregnancy journal there was a couple lines to write a message from you and your partner...

From me: keep growing :)

From daddy: hurry up and become a fetus! :D

>>*Time flies, cont'd

A big reason why time is crawling for me right now is my pregnancy. I am anticipating these next 5-weeks or so til I can tell everyone because I've passed that dreaded window. I'm trying not to be scared or too fixated on it but I am definitely feeling realistic about the fact that there's no guarantee I'll carry this baby to full term. We are trying to take

one

step

at

a

time.

We are praying that way too; praying for a fetus, since technically right now, it's an embryo. May seem strange, but it's how I'm coping, and how my honey is keeping me grounded. He's the best.

I've had one more day where I didn't feel so well, which was because I didn't sleep much the night before my doctor's visit on Thursday. They "confirmed" my pregnancy by doing the same pee test I did at home...um, ok. I was kind of expecting a blood test or something, and maybe for my doctor to be there (she wasn't, they didn't tell me until after I had peed in the cup......"oh, did you have questions?" WTH). I did have questions for my doctor, but went blank trying to contain my frustration when they told me like I should know she's not there on Thursdays. Of course I have questions, I'm pregnant! For the first time!

Anyways, I have told those I'm closest to and those that are in our lives most: sister-friends, parents, youth group leaders, most coworkers, and his sister knows. I am waiting to tell my siblings for another week or two, and he's doing the same with his two best friends. It's funny the difference between guys and girls. I would've preferred to not tell parents yet, because his parents are going to tell the whole family and I had to ask my parents to not do so (we're not as close) but I have a way to go before I'm in the safer zone. I will just dread recontacting to inform them if I do have a miscarriage.

It's gonna be a crawl for now; I'll be 7-weeks on Sunday, with many more to go. :)

Time flies and yet it crawls

Just chillin' here on a Saturday after a lot of deep sleep - much needed. I always surprise myself with how much time passes between my blogs. I wish I would get on here ever couple days, but that turns into a week...or two....or more. That's the part where time flies.

The part where time crawls is when I'm anticipating things, like visiting Seattle. (Other things are in the works, but that will be revealed at a later time.) It's June already but we have almost 3 more months until we get to see our families and watch his sister get married. It's gonna be an eventful visit home, that's for sure. All his family will be there, and I've already notified my family that I'm going to be there at the end of August and I want to see each of them.

I am looking forward to summer here though too; warmer waters, better south shore swells. Yesterday was a fireworks display basically based right out past Queens break. We were out earlier and saw the boats, wondering what they were doing hanging out so close to shore. Later we were watching tv and started hearing the explosions, which was normal for a Friday night since the lu'au down the street has them every Friday, but this time we could see the flashes. We ran down - I didn't even take time to put slippers on, lol - and we made it to the beach to catch most of the show up close and personal. It was an awesome display, better than probably any show I've seen in person. There were a few kinds I had never seen before, even smiley faces. As we were about to walk home, there was a tourist family who asked for a picture to be taken so we did of course, but then got to talking with them for about half an hour just about there trip, where they were from, and what they should do for the rest of their stay here. Random, but awesome for sure. J and I aren't the most outgoing people, but I like when we step out of our shyness, even if it's brief.

♥ a hui hou

P.S. My gato has not come home or been found. This is a huge point of tension between me and my mom. Long story short, I don't want to give up, they do. :'(

>>My very first morning sickness...wow

Took my pregnancy test on Friday afternoon. Woke up Saturday feeling like I may have eaten something wrong and headed to the bathroom. As I waited, I started to worry that I was actually feeling menstrual cramps. I was praying no. Then I started to get a little light headed, and what...nauseous?? Uh-oh. I got off the toilet and leaned over the tub, gagging for a bit, wishing I hadn't eaten that late-night ramen snack. After my stomach cramps resided a bit, and I was feeling super hot, I knew I needed to lie down but didn't want go far so the floor became my friend. It was cold stone and close to a vomit receptacle if needed. I stayed there as I broke out into a cold sweat, wondering when it would be over - cuz it has to end sometime, right? Wondering if I was going to be one of those ladies who feels like this all the time? Please, Lord, no.

It passed after what seemed like an hour, but was probably only 15 minutes or so. I immediately looked up remedies for morning sickness because OMG I have to do what I can to avoid feeling like that again. Aside from some frequent lightheadedness, I'm doing ok the last couple days. *whew*

>>To remain unpublished until...

My period was supposed to start around Fri May 21st...but never did. I have been fairly regular, with a average cycle length of 34 days. I noticed my boobs feeling tender, around Tue, but tried to brush it off (although my mind has not stopped thinking about the possibility of being pregnant since my first day being late!).

Jason went to the store and bought a box with 2 tests inside. He was sleeping even after my nap since he works the night but I took a pregnancy test before he got up because I couldn't wait any longer. It was POSITIVE. I half expected it to be negative, even if I really was pregnant since that's what happened to my mom. Buuuuut nope. :) I put it back in the box, and once he was up I made him bring it to me when I was in the bathroom as if I was going to take it and he pulled out the positive stick. His reaction was great; no disappointment to be seen. We prayed together and are excited. I've made an appointment with my doctor for next Thursday morning, June 3rd.

[pic: pee stick...yep, I peed on that]

An ironic thing is that I started a food journal about 2 weeks ago, since we've been getting sick so much, I wanted to see if my eating habits may have anything to do with it. Turns out there were improvements I could make, and I made them right away (now just to maintain them). The great thing is that I know what I've been eating and not eating for about half of my pregnancy. According to my calculations (4/27: the first time we "tried" since my last period) I am 4 weeks. According to the traditional method (4/18: the first day of my last period) I am almost 6 weeks. Big difference. We'll see who's right when the baby is born, but I'm sure calculations will be based off the traditional methods. ;)

Congrats and Surfing like girls

It's been an interesting couple of weeks - in a good way.

I just watched the Celtics win the Eastern Conference title, after an intense series with the Orlando Magic. The series was up and down and it gave new perspective for me on certain players. I used to like Dwight Howard, but now I see how dirty he really is. I know some Celtics have a reputation for playing dirty, but at least they are more upfront about it. Dwight thanks God every time he's on camera and complains about every call on him just cuz his eyes weren't watching his own elbows and hands as they come down on players. For Celtics, Rondo is still the bomb, and Nate Robinson came through like Doc predicted. Nate gave a straight up shout out to Jesus Christ when he was interviewed (not just God, but Jesus Christ), that's bold, just like he played, I like it. Congrats Celtics!

The Idol finale was Wednesday and it was Lee who took it home. He definitely deserved it; his journey was the most inspiring and his growth was the most evident. Congrats Lee!

~

Last week I got to surf with my ladies! A girl I know and I have been trying to get together for a while. We know each other because I shop as much as she works pretty much, lol. She is an awesome chic. J and I met up with her at Waikiki and the surf was present for us to enjoy. Had a good time and hopefully will again before she moves to Big Island. :(

The week before, my friend from Seattle was in town, and we got to surf twice in a week. It's another friend that I never hung out with one-on-one in Seattle, but once she visited, we hung out 2-3 times, and we even met her family. That's the aloha life I'm talking about.

The push and pull

I am in quite a funk. It started to really manifest on Saturday night (or morning) when I could not sleep. At first it was because my husband was so sick he couldn't breathe, so I was worried and constantly listening to him hack and blow his nose. We were out of theraflu and other cold meds so at 5:30am I offered to go to the store. I had been on my phone playing games for the last 3 hours so I realized I should help him. I felt so bad, he hadn't slept either, of course. So I got him the sudafed and theraflu, and he was eventually finally able to get some sleep. I on the other hand, still couldn't sleep, and was left with a dilemma: stay up the rest of the morning and go to church OR try to get a little sleep but risk not waking up once I'm out.

I tried to stay awake, because I know once I sleep, getting me up is a hard task. I went down to the coffee shop since my friend was working and helped out around the store. My boss came in and we all chatted and hung out for a bit. I ate a breakfast sandwich and it was one of those things that tasted better than usual because I was starving and borderline delirious. I went upstairs around 8am, but my mind was still up wanting to think and mull and play. By the time 9am was rolling around, I knew I should not drive. Jason was asleep and I decided it was time to force the issue and sleep. 9:30am.

I had another sleepless night last night. I didn't knock out until after 6am this time. This time it was pure mental madness. I had cried earlier about Turtle, since he's still missing and it's almost been 2 months. I still have some hope but as that shrinks it hurts, like it's my own flesh wasting away.

Being sad about that, on top of the fact that I'm missing my family terribly lately, just finally pushed out the tears. I am so torn between trying to visit all the time, to saving money. Or wishing for home, versus making my home here. But it's hard when I know we're gonna move back eventually; but sometimes I think I could stay longer, then other times I want to leave tomorrow. I know J wants to stay, even though we've always planned to go back. But then I have to consider his happiness too. Will he resent going back to Seattle? Will he resent me, and the kids we'll have? They're a big reason I want to go back - to raise them there, around our families, familiar territory, and better schools. Honestly, knowing Turtle isn't waiting for us not only breaks my heart, but that little part of my heart doesn't even wanna go back.

J was of course thrown off by my emotions, and wanted to know what the heck was going through my head. We talked, but I can't just relax. He knows what's on the agenda, and he says he'll cope living there again, but I don't want that. But am I coping here? We have a good life here, but it doesn't feel complete for me. There's so many deeper issues for him and even me, but this is the shell of it all. I'm glad we talk, and I'm glad he holds me even when he doesn't get me.

So what exactly is my problem...

Part of my mental swirl last night was trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. God is in control, so why am I trippin'? Am I trying to control? Am I fearing the unknown? Am I not accepting the cards He's dealt? Am I not being patient for answers to my questions? Am I pouring myself into things that don't have anything to do with pursuing God?


Yes.

LebRondo Semifinals (Game 5)

I've been a Celtics fan for a few years now, and they just keep getting better. As a team, they impress me. They have multiple star players but can function and even win when one is missing. That shows strength and versatility. That's something I can't find in the teams they've been playing against. The Cavaliers fall apart when LeBron doesn't show them how to play. Then there's the Heat...we know D. Wade is the Heat. The Celtics may lose focus at times, but when they stay focused and don't get too comfortable, they are the b0mb! And I will say I've been a fan of Rondo from the start (even when he played a lil dirty, lol...but him and Garnett are a good pair ;).

Celtics just got the first back-to-back W in the 2010 Eastern Conference Semifinals showdown between the Celtics and the Cavs. Woohoo! I can't wait for game 6 on Thursday. This series has been awesome, as expected.

It's May; one week down

Not sure what to blab about tonight. Just home, my honey is at work, still hate these nights. I am doing ok, just watching tv and going on Facebook. Currently watching Hustle & Flow - sad movie mang. Even if he ended up on the radio, you can't fully rise up while maintaining a 'hood mentality. That's just the truth.

We celebrated my boo's birthday on Thursday (and Friday). We ate lunch buffet at Makino Chaya and dinner at The Yardhouse. We napped, and he got to surf a little. I got him a watch and his favorite cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. We extended our celebration by visiting his family last night, and watching a late showing of Iron Man 2. I generally really dislike seeing movies on opening day because I don't like crowds or waiting (lol) but occasionally I'll do it for my honey. It was kinda worth it, and not as bad as it could've been as far as crowds. Good sequel, not necessarily better than the first, like people have said. Not sure how I feel about Cheadle in the mix, but at least he's not racist. *cough*terrencehoward*cough*

As for American Idol, the last two eliminations have been long overdue. No one on the show has a "bad" voice, but Siobhan and Aaron are not artists in the way the winner of the show should be. Aaron is young; he's got skills and time to develop them. Siobhan can blow but she also would need time to diversify and develop. I'm still routing for Crystal and Lee the most. Casey is ok, but not quite star material. Mike will undoubtedly do something after the show...maybe an album...hopefully broadway.

Gotta get ready for bed soon so I'm rested for church. Last Sunday was awesome. We had missed two weeks in a row, and that never feels good. The message was great - about reading the Bible as a worship, not just discipline. Then the time with the kids was forced inside by rainy weather. We played a game inside and got to break into small groups, which is my favorite time. The other girl and I just kept all the girls in one group, rather than two, which I also like. The subject of demonic oppression via night terrors or even while just trying to sleep came up. Very interesting to see who has experienced it and who hasn't. There's fear in those who haven't experienced it, and almost an unhealthy ignorance about it from those who have. I hope it's something we can continue to dialogue about to educate each other and just make sure it's not dealt with alone for anyone.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas! You are blessed and a blessing!

Still looking for my Turtle...

It's May, and my honey loves me

Aloha, well, it's May already. We've zoomed through 4 whole months of this year; time really does go by faster as you get older. Speaking of getting older, my husband's birthday is this coming Thursday. I'm excited to treat him...but I don't know what to do yet! I have some ideas and he said a couple things he wants to do, but I gotta make it really special for him. He always has a surprise for me, and I want him to feel as special as he makes me feel.

Today I got a glimpse of one side of that love. While I do like my job, I applied at Billabong for the heck of it to see if they would hire me on for one day per week (or less, hehe). The interview went well; the manager admitted she wanted to hire me before she even scheduled the interview! That feels good. BUT they ask part time be a minimum of 3 shifts per week, and their shifts are 8 hours long. *sad face* As much as I do want to work there pretty bad, I never intended to inconvenience my current boss. She's good to me, and I would never want to leave her hanging. SO I have a second interview/meeting with her and another manager to find out if she was able to pull some strings to get me down to 2 nights a week, starting at 6pm until about 11:30pm. I'd like that for sure. BUT my honey wants me to do only 1 night per week. This is not a controlling hubby; this is a protective, loving hubby. He is worried about me walking home around midnight, and he would rather buy me everything I want than have me work there just for a discount. This may sound a little silly from an outside perspective, but the way he expressed it to me was so sweet and I'm thankful I didn't get defensive since he basically shot down the idea, but I realized his motives - and I like them.

Back to getting "older"...

His birthday is making me reflect in advance on my 26th birthday in a few months. By no means is that old, but it is over the 20-something hill. That's a weird concept for me, especially with becoming a mama on my mind. I sure hope I pop one out before I'm 27! I can already feel more difference in my body regarding recovery time. I can tell I'm more the tired the next day when I've had a busy day before, or that I really do need those 8 hours of sleep. Not anxious about aging yet, but it's interesting.

Bitter is the new black

I guess I'm sporting bitter this spring, in varying shades. How easy it it can be put on for any occasion.

I wear it as I start my period and I'm not pregnant yet. It goes well with a tear streak down the cheek. "All in God's timing" my hubby tells me. I know. That's true. I know.

And I've thrown on some bitter since the arrival of my parents - more specifically, my mother, drunk off the plane. Joy. "I'm terrified of flying" she tells me. I guess antianxiety meds and screwdrivers are the cure for that (note to self). Screw the child I revert back to when mommy is drunk. Screw first impressions to my coworkers and boss. Screwdrivers.

And bitter isn't complete without a cat. I still can't find mine: purrrrfect!

Bitter can be worn as an accessory or full ensemble for days to come. Watch out people, it could be the newest trend...almost viral...like the flu I have.

My Season 9 American Idol Picks - Top 9

Guys
Aaron Kelly: Kid needs to pick up the pace and be a little more playful in his performances.
Andrew Garcia: Glad he's still there, not surprised. He's a great artist and is getting better at showing it without trying too hard.
Casey James: I like to see him showing some emotion along with his talent, very necessary.
Lee Dewyze: He's coming outta his shell, and it's great. He can only get better.
Michael Lynche: Amazing voice and talent. His stage presence is unmatched this season.
Tim Urban: Can't believe he's still on the show but he's definitely better with his guitar.

Ladies
Crystal Bowersox: I like to see her smiling more. She's so real and she brings it every time.
Katie Stevens: She also needs to bring up her "cool" factor; she's too serious in her performances. Skills but dull so far.
Siobhan Magnus: She's grown on me a bit, and I think she's got a strong voice. Her quirks can be charming but sometimes too much.

I was definitely sad to see Didi go, but that's how it goes. We'll see who will be voted off tomorrow. I didn't vote tonight, but usually I voted for any of the following: Didi, Andrew, Crystal, and Lee. I'm surprised that the girls have gone down faster than the guys, but I guess they have more charisma.

Text voting is cool, btw.

Dear Turtle

If I cry hard enough will you hear me and follow?
If I pray long enough will He give you back to me?
If I call your name and make a million promises will it make a difference?
Will He give you back to me?

Just when I think it can't hurt anymore,
My heart sinks another level
& the pieces hit the floor.

I miss you
& I can't lie for a second,
That I wouldn't trade all of these
or all of those things
To have you back again.

I fight the guilt
& I fight the anger,
But most of all I fight the tears.

How long should I fight them?
To bring you back I'd hold them down for years.

I'll wear a smile,
But only when I have to.
Laugh now.
Cry later.
Helpless I wait to hear news of you.

Having a rough time

Well my cat is still missing back in Lynnwood. I've been off of work, which has allowed me to let it out a little more. Overall, I can only describe myself as in a daze. I am sad and I don't know what to do with myself half the time. I need distraction from my emotions but I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I'm not giving up on life but I am struggling to lose the battle with discouragement and isolation. My husband got me out in the water today, which was probably a good thing. I had fun longboarding and doing silly tricks, I the weight in my chest never really goes away. (And it won't until we have a resolution to this whole thing.) We called the local vets in my mom's area and no Turtle, but a couple of them let us email pics and info about him, so that's one more step to spreading the word, and many more eyes on the lookout.

The day was not complete without my honey dropping our house key down an elevator shaft - luckily not my wedding ring which was also in his hand! Then I hit our rear fender on a corner in the parking garage. Then I dropped burger grease on my new favorite dress at dinner.

One of those days I guess...

I honestly am hating being so far from home right now (and any time something is going wrong over there). I can't wait to move back. I don't think I'm made to be away. As much as it can be nice to have so much more time with my husband and just having the ocean as a playground, I want to be near our parents and other loved ones.

~ ~ ~

We're still trying to focus on getting pregnant. I don't know how I'll keep from talking about it once it happens but I'll do my best until I'm in the "safe zone." And on another more positive note, I have been reading my Bible pretty much every single day for over a week now. That is a great achievement for me, because consistency in the Word has always been a struggle for me. A big thanks to one of my besties for sending me a link YouVersion.com where you can choose a reading plan to fit your goals in reading through the Bible. I don't know if it's the checklist that gets me or what but I am reading and drawing closer to Him which is what I need more than ever right now.