3 + 1 = 4!

We are officially a family of 4. Almost a whole month has passed already. It's been a fairly smooth transition thanks to my wonderful familia. 

My hubby has been more than awesome, taking over most responsibilities here at home. I feel so loved and taken care of, and even spoiled! I am anxious for the day he goes back to work. I rely on him a lot and I don't have the most confidence in myself to do as good a job with the kids as we do together all day. Praying!

Our son (2 1/2) has been the absolute best big brother! We're so proud of him. From day 1 he has been sweet and helpful. What a blessing. It melts my heart when he hugs and kisses her all on his own. He gets a little overwhelmed sometimes when she cries, but still tries to calm her down. We're trying to make sure he gets time with me to maintain his security and continue to avoid jealousy. I miss him as much as he misses me though! We had a date night just me and him the other night; this will be a regular thing.

Our baby girl (almost 4 weeks) has been great too. She has been a much better sleeper than her big brother was, especially at night. This has made all the difference. I can feel sane if I'm getting a reasonable amount of rest. Sleep with a newborn around is always broken, but its amazing how good you can feel off spurts of 3-4 hours of sleep in a row. LOL 

She's putting on weight well and eating up a storm. I can tell she's growing every day. She's starting to have more awake time, and tracking us when we talk. It's all familiar, remembering how babies are, but kinda new at the same time.

It takes 2 to become 1

Lately I've felt a weight hanging on my shoulders, spiritually. It happens when I feel far from God. Especially when I know what I need or need to do, but it's not happening. I need to be pursuing God, but I need my hubby to pursue God as well - that way we're moving in the same direction.

I could tell my hubby was not actively moving towards God but I didn't know what was up until we had a good talk yesterday. It's always a process to pick his brain but it feels good once we communicate those unspoken things that have been floating like dust around our noses.

So why do I need to bug him just cuz I'm in a spiritual funk? As a Christian, I believe that when I married my husband, we became one; no longer separate people but inextricably intertwined. This is a blessing and a curse, of course, because while we can ride on each other's wings in joy, we also can feel the pull when one is dragging through a valley.

More than a K

He says I'm selfish, and that may be true. But how many of our decisions and desires for our children are indeed selfish?

Here's the deal...

Our son's name is Kole Kahelemeakua. It took a lot of arguing and discussion to arrive at this name. Kole (Cole) is the only name I liked that my husband liked too. More details about that later. His middle name was decided by my husband. It means "one who walks with God." I like the meaning for sure, but I wanted his middle name to be Koamalu, which means "peaceful courage." he didn't like the meaning or the sound of "mal" since in Spanish mal means bad. Sort of understandable to me, but I only gave in on the condition that I get to spell his first name with a K instead of C.

The K is the only thing I got to fully choose for my son: the boy I dreamt of having for years and years. I had wanted this boy for so long and he would be coming out with nothing in his name to represent his mama but this K. (We didn't even put my maiden name in his name, as is a Filipino tradition.)

A simple reason I don't want to change it, and partly why I thought of it in the first place, is I don't want him to have an ordinary name. 99% of Coles are spelled with a C. My boy is not average, neither will his name be.

And in that same way, I want him to know who he is and be confident in it. Here in Hawai'i, the word "okole" means butt (pronounced oh-ko-leh). He says he'll literally be the butt of every joke. But is it really that drastic? Kids get teased for one thing or another through their childhood. It sucks, but I see it as a part of growing up. You may suffer at the time but the goal is that you would come out of it stronger, and their silly comments would roll of your shoulders. I don't want him to suffer - of course not! But I don't want to start him off on this foot that gives in to pressures from others. They tease, so I change myself?.....Heck no! You make em recognize you are who you are, NOT who they say you are. That is an important life skill that I pray my son learns early.

A final reason I dot think we need to change the spelling of his name is that he supposedly was to be attending school on the mainland. I thought this was established but as usual my hubby has probably extended plans to stay here in Hawai'i. He says "who knows" but I thought we already did. Who knows...I guess we'll see about that (a whole 'nother can o' worms).

Feeling truly blessed to have a healthy child. He's happy and active, and really overall an easy baby. Makes me wonder how our next one would be; can't have two easy ones in a row! We'll see whenever that time comes. For now I'm enjoying and just in awe of this little boy that I get to care for. So thankful I can still breastfeed exclusively. We're starting to introduce solids but he's growing steadily on what he gets from me so far. :)

Being a mom is what I've waited for. It's a challenge but I LOVE IT. At times I still struggle with my own selfishness and my temper flares but God is molding me into a better mom and woman everyday. I have to remember that time flies and I will miss these moments once their gone, so i should savour them now. They will go just as fast whether I do or not.

Yesterday was our anniversary: 4 years. They have flown by, dunno where time went but glad to have spent it with him. This new chapter in our lives (starting family) is entered with trust and excitement and joy. He's my best friend and I can't imagine anyone else more perfect for me.

Thank goodness we have a strong relationship cuz we have been stressing about the bank, financing, and just buying this condo. I know need so much faith. I need to pray and listen and wait on Him. He never fails and I know this but I always try to convince myself otherwise. Why??

Alive and well

Nope, I didn't die in childbirth. I'm alive and well. I haven't posted here but I've been journaling in my cell phone, which I'll copy-paste here asap. I'm just barely gaining a balance in this new life as a mom to where I can make or find time to do things aside from being a mom and wife. Baby steps.

How can I sum up the last 6-months? I guess I would say it's been an exhausting dream come true. I LOVE being mama. My hubby and I are closer in many ways since we have worked as a team raising and caring for our son. (We're not as close in other ways buuuuut that's normal for now I guess, Lol.) This new chapter in our lives hasn't been easy but it has made me feel that much more complete. I've known I wanted to be a mama and to devote my time and energy to the job that it is.

On top of our regular stuff we're also in the process of closing on a condo nearby. What a stressful process, but it will also be worth it if we can get a place of our own. That will be another dream fulfilled.



God has been so good to me, and I am continuously in awe of His provision and plans for us. More later...the boy is waking up. :)

Still pregnant! And it's ok

Well we made it to full term, thank goodness. And it's 2011! Now I've been obsessing over final preparations, as well as every little thing I feel in my body (wondering if labor is starting, lol). Last night I realized that I need to refocus. I need to realize that it will happen when it's going to happen and just cuz I had a "feeling" he was gonna come early doesn't mean it's true. I mean even if he comes in 2 weeks that's still days before my due date and would be called "early." Anyways, I want to refocus on my husband and our time together while we still have it uninterrupted. I love my quality time with him and I will definitely miss what we have. That doesn't overshadow my excitement of growing our family and being a mommy, but it's all just a part of my full bag of emotions I feel these days.

I wanted my first post of the year to be a letter to my baby boy, but I've put it off too long and needed to update. I'm doing well, just trying to stay busy and somewhat active. We went to the zoo today and I got the longest walk in a long time. I've been walking at least every other day but not for miles - I'm too lazy for that, haha. Tried to swim occasionally but it's been colder here (i.e. in the low-70's to mid-60's). Had slowed my weight gain unintentionally but I seem to have caught right up. Still my doc wants me to go in for an ultrasound to make sure he's growing at a healthy rate still. That appointment is tomorrow (well, today, at 10am).

Not much is new, just growing a bit still and getting more aches and stronger Braxton Hicks contractions. Looks like we'll be having a baby shower gathering this coming Saturday. That should be fun, and even better if we can get all the people we know to be there. We don't need anything right now but I'll be thankful for a few more gift cards for later and just to celebrate our baby on the way with our Hawai'i ohana.

Truly a Mele Kalikimaka

All I needed/wanted this year was to know we'll have everything baby needs and of course quality time with my boo. I got it! He was put on call Christmas Eve and off on Christmas so we have had a lot of good time together this holiday - love it! And we got a couple checks in the mail, with some of the money specifically for our baby boy so he's even more set than before, and it feels good. We haven't had to spend out of pocket at all yet for him, besides a those onesies we bought and some medical expenses. How blessed are we?? God is amazing and I'm overwhelmed and in awe of His provision every time.

We ate at my boss' beautiful house with her awesome family for Christmas Eve, then stopped by Honolulu Hale to see the lights. We went late but there were still so many people there, pretty cool. One thing I like around here is how the stores don't all stay open until midnight the night before Christmas; they actually close around 6pm. I assume it's a family oriented mindset, and I like that. We opened the gifts under our little tree around 1am. So fun, even just the two of us (our last year with just us two!). Then this afternoon we went to his uncle's place to visit the fam and eat...and eat! Then just hung out at the beach for a while.

It was a light gift year overall, and that is just how I wanted it. I don't need anything really and I didn't wanna stress over shopping this year. I got baby on the brains and that's enough weighing over me (well and in front of me, hehe). Christmas away from most of our family and friends doesn't feel the same, but I'm truly content to be with my hubby. Island Christmas is so different feeling anyway since it's hot in "winter." Not complaining cuz I sure don't miss snow. It's pretty, until you need to go somewhere. I could live without it though. How many other places would I have gotten to watch the sunset on the beach in my bikini on Christmas evening?



♥ Mele Kalikimaka ♥

I like today

Even though late ultrasounds are usually due to there being a possible issue, I'm so happy I got to see my lil baby boy today. We got a new disc of pics and took home some new pics for his ultrasound album. I am doing much better than last week and feeling a little more confident that he'll keep cooking until January, like he's supposed to. Doc says he looks good, and I'm proud to say he's 4.5 pounds. He is in the 51st percentile for this gestation, so he's average weight. We had been thinking maybe he's smaller than average since I seem to be showing small (as I still hear all the time).

Then we went to the mall and I got "What to Expect the First Year." Tried to find some books on labor coping techniques but we'll actually probably go find a video soon. We found some fun onesies for baby. One says "I want to surf like my daddy" and the other says "I ♥ boobies" - you can guess which one my hubby found most amusing. I also got a nursing bra that is so comfy, and a new shirt that actually has room for my belly. The bra needed to have room for growth since I haven't got my milk in yet and I never ever imagined buying a D-cup bra...so weird for me! I hope I don't completely shrivel and can still fill a A-cup after breastfeeding. Never know...

There's a lot of things I'm starting to wonder about my body post-pregnancy. It has changed so much and if all goes according to plan, this won't be my last pregnancy, so more changes await. I look at my pre-pregnancy pictures and I can bet that I'll never look like that again. Not that it's not worth it; I guess it's just another sacrifice you make to be a mama. As long as hubby still thinks I'm sexy it's aaallllll gooooooood.

Let the Christmas season begin!

I can actually be excited for Christmas now that my hubby will be off that night. That's the best gift I can ask for. I really don't need anything as far as gifts go; I just wanna know that my baby boy is okay and we have everything we need for him when he comes out. I would love to see my family but that's not gonna happen (aside from my Hawai'i ohana here).

Overall, I honestly don't wanna do the whole gift thing this year. I wanna save money and I do not want to fight the malls. I did buy some stuff to make a few cards but I just wanna take it easy and keep my load light this year. It gets harder to keep that mindset as the day gets closer, cuz I love to give gifts! But I don't like to give a gift just to give one; I like them to be useful and sure to be loved. We all have enough "stuff" and while the thought can be touching, in the end, I don't wanna give random stuff, if possible.

I've had our tree out since last week - I couldn't wait until after Thanksgiving (on which day we had a great lunch with my boss & her family; I love that lady!). It's just a little 2' fiber-optics tree, but it's cute and does the job. I love looking at it. We have our 3 stockings hanging at the bottom: 2 small ones, and 1 mini. :)

That's the latest I guess. We have been real busy with errands most days, and we have our expectant parent class once a week, plus we see the doctor every 2-weeks now. Just getting ready for are son to arrive. I am nesting, but mostly in my head since there's not a whole lot to do in this lil apartment. It makes me so happy to see that J is excited too. Feels good. I can't wait for our family to grow (only 2 more months). +1 on the way!!

Let's catch up a little

Honestly, I've been lazy to blog. Fatigue has returned in the last couple weeks (thank you, third trimester). Before that my husband was sick one week, I got sick the next week, then we had our first disturbing visit to our doctor where we were told my cervix was slightly dilated. This visit happened in the same week the world lost Andy Irons, and I learned my bestie would be leaving the island and my husband would be working Christmas. The good news is I went back a week later for a check-up with my doc and there was little to no progression, which means I have escaped being sentenced to bed rest at this point. We did cut my working down to one day a week, maybe occasionally two, but only opening shifts (shortest) and should be sitting/resting during my shift as much as possible. What a relief and answered prayer that our baby boy isn't trying to come out this early.

What's new? I bought my first maternity jeans that I LOVE and a belly band to hopefully combat back pain and even front pains. I'm experiencing a lot of round ligament pain as I (we) grow; I feel it most when I'm more active. I am learning to take it easier but it really is hard sometimes. I may be lazy at times but I am also a brat and I want to do things when I want to do them. But more and more I learn that my body is not my own for now. Every day is an adjustment not just to how and when I do things, but to my wardrobe as well. I got a new swimsuit that covers what it should and a sarong that covers more when I'm walking down the street. I'm loving the umbrella my honey got me for lounging on the beach while he surfs. Makes me sad that I can't go out with him, but at least I can watch and dream of when I'll get back out there.

We started a class at Queen's for the next 6-weeks, called Expectant Parent Class. Already got us registered and they gave us a tour of the entire maternity floor. It made me so excited to be there and see where the event will happen. That excitement may be contributing my trouble sleeping lately, but at least it's a happy feeling more than worry. The next classes will be about breastfeeding, labor process, postpartum, etc. Luckily, hubby will be there for all of them too so we can learn together. :) He's the best.

Goal: Learn to ask hubby for help more often so I don't feel overwhelmed.

Praise: I will have my boo on Christmas! He still works Christmas Eve but at least I get one of those nights with him. Thank you Jesus!

Pic: Me, today (29-weeks)

Less than 4-months left

I sit and meditate more and more on how my life and our lives (mine and my husband's together) will change so drastically. The biggest part of me is excited and maybe even feels ready, but there are still those parts of me that are anxious and even sad to let go of the life we have now.

I love being able to spend as much time with J as I can. I know that time will be decreasing and will be different. What I'm confident in is that we are both committed to each other and our relationship; we're aware that it's going to be a struggle for quality time at times but our marriage is important enough to put that extra effort in.

I've known for a long time now that I want to be a mama. I actually have a good amount of confidence in my ability to be one (and the encouragement from my friends and family helps that feeling too). The parts I struggle with are teenage years and just that normal parent worry of "I want the best for my child"..."Will they make the right choices"..."How do I protect them without smothering them?"

Etc...etc...

I'm already a "mom" I guess. As soon as I wanted to become pregnant I had to change how I do things, how I think about things, what I plan my life around. I care for my coming child by what I eat, drink, and do or don't do; it's all about him. That's the difference for women though; we're mom's from conception. Guys get a little more adjustment period but I think it hits them even harder than us in some ways. Being motherly is more natural for women than for men most of the time. We get a head start being mama while the baby is still inside; he is daddy in an instant on the day the baby comes out.

From either side, it's big. I'm just so thankful I can share it all with the love of my life. ♥

Pregnant eyes

The things I see from pregnant eyes. The world is different these days - maybe I should say, the way the world interacts with me and the way I interpret the world is different I guess. People around us always have expectations of what we should or shouldn't do, look like, act like, feel like, or want, but it's a new set of "things" since I'm pregnant.

People expect I should be bigger. I must be smaller than the average 5-month pregnant lady (so I hear...every day). But really, I'm smaller than the average lady too! I don't take it personal but it's just one of those things you hear every time you talk to someone and it gets old sometimes. I'm only having one baby, and he's 75% Filipino; he probably won't be that big by the time he comes out either. Cute though, that's for sure.

Another thing I'm more conscious of is my wedding ring. I always want to wear it and don't like going out anytime without it, but with this baby bump I feel like I would be judged more harshly appear like I'm an unmarried pregnant girl (especially since I look so young). It makes me think of my friends or family that have babies outside of marriage and I can understand how they felt more so with all those eyes on them. I know not everyone cares, but it's just something that pops into my head these days.

I'm also body-conscious for the first time really in my life. I'm blessed to never have weight issues and even when I had a little extra I liked it and was (over)confident. I'm feeling better now that it's pretty obvious I'm pregnant and not sporting a full-on beer/nacho/pot belly. But deep down that goes back to me caring what people are thinking when they look at me. What if I do have a pot belly? What if I do drink a lot of beer? I dunno... The other thing is feeling good in my clothes. I have enough outfits for now that I can wear and feel good in. I love my clothes and I miss my jeans, but I'm proud to show off my growing baby boy. I just wanna be comfortable while doing it. Luckily I do have an amazing husband supporting me and encouraging me every day. He's seriously the best; more than I ever imagined. Thank you God!

Something more from my perspective is that I notice pregnant women every day. It's kinda like when you start driving a certain car, you notice how many of them are already on the road, haha. I like it though. It's like a sisterhood, like you're not alone and you can instantly relate to that woman in some way no matter how far along she is. It's nice when there's a couple of us at the beach too, cuz I think we can give each other the confidence to be out there, bellies and all.

The latest

Just had my monthly check-in with my doctor and as usual I didn't get in the exam room for 45+ minutes after I got there and the reception girl was rude and incompetent as ever. Oh well... My doctor did apologize and seemed sincerely bothered I had been out there so long, but we wait an average of 20-30 minutes every time we've gone so I dunno. I always feel better after we get in there and get to talk about the baby and stuff.

I'm going to be 17-weeks along on Sunday. I've only gained 3-pounds but that's 2 in the last month so I guess I'm on the right track. Been spending a lot of time looking at boy names and researching meanings, popularity, sounding it out with our last name and potential middle names. Boys names are so hard! I could probably pick one, but my hubby and I have yet to agree. Good thing we have about 5-months to argue - I mean "decide". ;)

Trying to prepare for our visit home. We need to decide what we'll wear to the wedding and how to pack the stuff we're bringing back (like clothes we haven't worn since we moved here), and even trying to have a tentative itinerary with family and friends; all that fun stuff. I wish I could pack now haha but I don't want my stuff to get all musty staying in the suitcase too long or be perma-wrinkled. I'm just excited, well also anxious because our time is so divided; not only between both families - which is lopsided since there is a wedding on his side - but there are dear friends we would love to spend quality time with that I hope works out. I extended my stay which is gives me slightly more flexibility, but it also separates me from my love for 4 days. It's so hard to be apart from him. I'm glad we both feel that way after all this time though. That's a blessing I'll never take for granted.

♥

Date day!

Usually my hubby and I plan an afternoon/evening where it's just us and we spend quality time: date night. We have fallen out of any routine over here in Hawai'i since we have so much time together in general but we still declare certain nights "date night." Today was an entire date day and it was awesome.

We woke up late in the morning but early enough to have a packed day. We decided it on dim sum for breakfast, which we haven't gone out for specifically since we've lived here so it was kind of exciting. The place we ate at in China town was just okay. The food was definitely fresh but we ordered some fried rice that I could tell I didn't need to eat any of.

Then we stopped by Kalihi to visit his grandma who just got back from the Philippines. She wasn't home so we hung out with his Uncle for a bit before we headed to out on our road trip.

With full tummies still full we headed west. We haven't spent much time at all on the Leeward side but wanted to explore a little today. We drove through Waipahu and Waianae and finally stopped at a Makaha beach. It was so quiet and so hot. We didn't stay long at all and decided we needed more familiarity (and shade).

It has been a while since we hit up Hale'iwa town so we got back on the freeway, northbound. It was nice to get back up there, especially since things are calmer up there with the winter swells hibernating. Passing through the pineapple fields, I sang songs to entertain my boo. First stop in Hale'iwa was Raging Isle. We shopped a bit and each got some shorts; his for surfing, mine with a partially expandable waistband for my expanding tummy. :)

I was happy to catch the post office and finally buy my stamps I've been saying I need to buy for almost a week. Then I spotted a health food store and knew I'd find something yummy and nutritious for that expanding tummy. Inside there is a health bar called Paradise Found Cafe; all vegetarian menu, which I can do on occasion. I ordered what turned out to be an awesome avocado sandwich. Loved it. We also got an acai bowl to share for the road. Just a block away was the shrimp truck awaiting my honey's bottomless stomach. We ate and were fully satisfied with our Hale'iwa treats.

Our final north shore stop-off was Ehukai beach park. We just layed in the sand and looked at cools shells. J went for a quick swim but the sun was too low for me by that point. I needed the exercise but we figured it's not worth the shivers that I'd get. It was so relaxing on the beach, especially compared to the chaos we usually have around us at Waikiki. Very nice close to our long day - which technically wasn't over.

We still needed to visit his adorable grandma back in Kalihi. We headed there for dinner and to catch up with her. I was pleasantly surprised that she had cooked sinigang for us (with bangos)! Definitely one of my favorite soups. After refusing to eat all the food she pulled out of the fridge for us as usual, we sat on the couch and watched funny Filipino tv together. It's always nice to spend time with his grandma; she's the nicest old lady ever.

I started to dose off on my hubby's lap and it was time to go. We took our treats she brought back for us and headed home. After a couple late night snacks (for me) and some tv, bed time never sounded so good. I'm surprised and glad I last all day without a nap or getting grumpy. Good times.

Happy birthday to me!

I am 26 years old. I am officially "mid-to-late-20's" :) haha! I don't feel old, but it always feels weird to say I'm another year older and being around younger people just sinks it deeper into my aging bones and brain. I got to spend the entire day with my lovely husband who made every effort to please the will of Queen Olive for the day. I like days like this.

I got to sleep in thanks to my co-worker KR who covered for me - thank you my dear! And we were planning on eating at the fabulous Halekulani breakfast buffet at House Without A Key restaurant, but that sleeping in part kinda trumped so we headed to Kailua for our first visit to Cinnamon's. I have been looking forward to eating there since it's so popular. We shared a 2-stack of red velvet pancakes and by the time he got through his omelette, and I got through my meatloaf sandwich, there was no more room for the infamous guava chiffon pancakes. But that's just more of an excuse to come back, which we will definitely do. I was super impressed with our selections (I'll review later), but the hype can't be for nothing right? And I wanna see what the real fuss is about.

We stopped at the mall afterwards and got my long awaited avocado bubble shake....mmmmmmm! Walked around a bit, but we were both tired and feeling under the weather on top of it, so headed home. We chilled on the couch and cuddled a bit, falling asleep for a short time. I knew he'd want to surf since he had already called in sick to work anyways so since it was my birthday I decided I'd treat myself to some waves as well. I did my best to catch on my knees rather than paddling on my stomach the whole time. That is so new to my body and I'm sure I'll be recovering still in a couple days. Caught some worthwhile rides and it just felt so good to be out there again, especially with my boo.

Came home, got showered up, and ready for dinner. I chose The Old Spaghetti Factory since it's been months since we ate there. I like that place. It's a full meal deal for a good price; can't beat that! Although I couldn't finish off my meal, I was satisfied and felt special sitting in the trolley and getting sung to for my birthday with a candle in my ice cream. Simple joys of getting a little attention, haha! :)

We arrived back to our area just in time for the huge concert getting out - so many people crossing at every corner! We missed several turns trying to avoid them, then got caught in the worst part of it all and basically took 30-40 minutes to travel what should've been 3 blocks. Ay ay ay! Now that we're home, it's couch potato time as we let our food settle and soon enough it will be b e d t i m e zzZZZ...

I'll call it, "Feeling pregnant"

So I'm about 14-weeks along now and just saw the doctor for our monthly check in last Friday. She didn't seem convinced that our due date should be changed so I've adjusted it in my mind a couple days, Lol. All I was happy to hear was the sound of our baby's heartbeat through the doppler. What an amazing sound. ♥

Heading into this second trimester I'm barely showing at all but I'm feeling more pregnant...I think. Not that I really know what that feels like since this is my first, but that's what I'm calling it. I am so tired and so hungry, and my back is hurting. The tired and hungry I get, but back pain already?! It's my lower back, mostly on the left lately. It will even shoot down my leg if I lean just right. Fun stuff. I used to think it would flare up from lying down too much, but recently it starts to hurt when I've been standing or walking a bit. I may need new slippers or orthotics for my work shoes. I may need to actually take a break at work. I may just need to wait until my body continuously adjusts to its changing self; that could take a while. I expected back pain when I have a cantaloupe in front of me, but not a lemon.

Still working my 3 shifts per week and exercising 2-3 times per week. I'd say I'm active enough, which I hope in time will curb my fatigue. I definitely miss surfing with my boo, and he misses it too. :( That was our quality time for almost a year. We're learning how to spend time in the ocean together other ways and even going for more walks. It doesn't replace surf time but I just love spending time with my love either way.

I can barely imagine being pregnant anywhere else. It's warm here, always, but not too hot if you're in the right spot. You can wear comfy dresses every day without freezing. The ocean is your playground and you won't ever be the only preggo in a swimsuit. It would be even harder to get me off my butt if it was cold outside haha. I'll have to experience that at some point but for now, I'm loving where I'm at for my first pregnancy.

Alooooooha!

The push and pull

I am in quite a funk. It started to really manifest on Saturday night (or morning) when I could not sleep. At first it was because my husband was so sick he couldn't breathe, so I was worried and constantly listening to him hack and blow his nose. We were out of theraflu and other cold meds so at 5:30am I offered to go to the store. I had been on my phone playing games for the last 3 hours so I realized I should help him. I felt so bad, he hadn't slept either, of course. So I got him the sudafed and theraflu, and he was eventually finally able to get some sleep. I on the other hand, still couldn't sleep, and was left with a dilemma: stay up the rest of the morning and go to church OR try to get a little sleep but risk not waking up once I'm out.

I tried to stay awake, because I know once I sleep, getting me up is a hard task. I went down to the coffee shop since my friend was working and helped out around the store. My boss came in and we all chatted and hung out for a bit. I ate a breakfast sandwich and it was one of those things that tasted better than usual because I was starving and borderline delirious. I went upstairs around 8am, but my mind was still up wanting to think and mull and play. By the time 9am was rolling around, I knew I should not drive. Jason was asleep and I decided it was time to force the issue and sleep. 9:30am.

I had another sleepless night last night. I didn't knock out until after 6am this time. This time it was pure mental madness. I had cried earlier about Turtle, since he's still missing and it's almost been 2 months. I still have some hope but as that shrinks it hurts, like it's my own flesh wasting away.

Being sad about that, on top of the fact that I'm missing my family terribly lately, just finally pushed out the tears. I am so torn between trying to visit all the time, to saving money. Or wishing for home, versus making my home here. But it's hard when I know we're gonna move back eventually; but sometimes I think I could stay longer, then other times I want to leave tomorrow. I know J wants to stay, even though we've always planned to go back. But then I have to consider his happiness too. Will he resent going back to Seattle? Will he resent me, and the kids we'll have? They're a big reason I want to go back - to raise them there, around our families, familiar territory, and better schools. Honestly, knowing Turtle isn't waiting for us not only breaks my heart, but that little part of my heart doesn't even wanna go back.

J was of course thrown off by my emotions, and wanted to know what the heck was going through my head. We talked, but I can't just relax. He knows what's on the agenda, and he says he'll cope living there again, but I don't want that. But am I coping here? We have a good life here, but it doesn't feel complete for me. There's so many deeper issues for him and even me, but this is the shell of it all. I'm glad we talk, and I'm glad he holds me even when he doesn't get me.

So what exactly is my problem...

Part of my mental swirl last night was trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. God is in control, so why am I trippin'? Am I trying to control? Am I fearing the unknown? Am I not accepting the cards He's dealt? Am I not being patient for answers to my questions? Am I pouring myself into things that don't have anything to do with pursuing God?


Yes.

It's May; one week down

Not sure what to blab about tonight. Just home, my honey is at work, still hate these nights. I am doing ok, just watching tv and going on Facebook. Currently watching Hustle & Flow - sad movie mang. Even if he ended up on the radio, you can't fully rise up while maintaining a 'hood mentality. That's just the truth.

We celebrated my boo's birthday on Thursday (and Friday). We ate lunch buffet at Makino Chaya and dinner at The Yardhouse. We napped, and he got to surf a little. I got him a watch and his favorite cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. We extended our celebration by visiting his family last night, and watching a late showing of Iron Man 2. I generally really dislike seeing movies on opening day because I don't like crowds or waiting (lol) but occasionally I'll do it for my honey. It was kinda worth it, and not as bad as it could've been as far as crowds. Good sequel, not necessarily better than the first, like people have said. Not sure how I feel about Cheadle in the mix, but at least he's not racist. *cough*terrencehoward*cough*

As for American Idol, the last two eliminations have been long overdue. No one on the show has a "bad" voice, but Siobhan and Aaron are not artists in the way the winner of the show should be. Aaron is young; he's got skills and time to develop them. Siobhan can blow but she also would need time to diversify and develop. I'm still routing for Crystal and Lee the most. Casey is ok, but not quite star material. Mike will undoubtedly do something after the show...maybe an album...hopefully broadway.

Gotta get ready for bed soon so I'm rested for church. Last Sunday was awesome. We had missed two weeks in a row, and that never feels good. The message was great - about reading the Bible as a worship, not just discipline. Then the time with the kids was forced inside by rainy weather. We played a game inside and got to break into small groups, which is my favorite time. The other girl and I just kept all the girls in one group, rather than two, which I also like. The subject of demonic oppression via night terrors or even while just trying to sleep came up. Very interesting to see who has experienced it and who hasn't. There's fear in those who haven't experienced it, and almost an unhealthy ignorance about it from those who have. I hope it's something we can continue to dialogue about to educate each other and just make sure it's not dealt with alone for anyone.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas! You are blessed and a blessing!

Still looking for my Turtle...

It's May, and my honey loves me

Aloha, well, it's May already. We've zoomed through 4 whole months of this year; time really does go by faster as you get older. Speaking of getting older, my husband's birthday is this coming Thursday. I'm excited to treat him...but I don't know what to do yet! I have some ideas and he said a couple things he wants to do, but I gotta make it really special for him. He always has a surprise for me, and I want him to feel as special as he makes me feel.

Today I got a glimpse of one side of that love. While I do like my job, I applied at Billabong for the heck of it to see if they would hire me on for one day per week (or less, hehe). The interview went well; the manager admitted she wanted to hire me before she even scheduled the interview! That feels good. BUT they ask part time be a minimum of 3 shifts per week, and their shifts are 8 hours long. *sad face* As much as I do want to work there pretty bad, I never intended to inconvenience my current boss. She's good to me, and I would never want to leave her hanging. SO I have a second interview/meeting with her and another manager to find out if she was able to pull some strings to get me down to 2 nights a week, starting at 6pm until about 11:30pm. I'd like that for sure. BUT my honey wants me to do only 1 night per week. This is not a controlling hubby; this is a protective, loving hubby. He is worried about me walking home around midnight, and he would rather buy me everything I want than have me work there just for a discount. This may sound a little silly from an outside perspective, but the way he expressed it to me was so sweet and I'm thankful I didn't get defensive since he basically shot down the idea, but I realized his motives - and I like them.

Back to getting "older"...

His birthday is making me reflect in advance on my 26th birthday in a few months. By no means is that old, but it is over the 20-something hill. That's a weird concept for me, especially with becoming a mama on my mind. I sure hope I pop one out before I'm 27! I can already feel more difference in my body regarding recovery time. I can tell I'm more the tired the next day when I've had a busy day before, or that I really do need those 8 hours of sleep. Not anxious about aging yet, but it's interesting.

Looks like I fell off my blogging train again. Life has picked up I guess and sometimes I feel lost in the mix.

One of my dearest bestest friends now lives here! As of the 9th she is a local girl. :) I so wish we lived in the same town but we're getting together fairly often so far and making it work.

I went to the Brian McKnight concert on Valentine's Day with my friend (a girl). It was a great show; he's a true vocalist and is actually very funny. I don't think I'll ever get tired of his voice. I wish I could've gone with my boo but he had to work so we spent time before that. (I don't think he would've enjoyed it as much as me and my friend anyways.)

My honey made it up to me the following Tuesday by surprising me with a trip up north to the Polynesian Cultural Center. I had never been to that luau - or any other luau on this island actually. The food was good, but I wish we got there sooner to see more stuff around the exhibits. We took a canoe ride, and the show at the end of the night was cool. It was a big production, and I liked how they come up and down the isles throughout the whole show.

I finally had my pre-conception check-up last week. I was way overdue for my annual exam so it all worked out. My doctor said I'm healthy and she would expect me to have no problem getting pregnant, even with my cyst issues and longterm pill usage. She also did a cholesterol check on the spot. If I had just waited and not eaten my granola bar in the lobby it would've been a fasting glucose level but at least I have an update: my overall cholesterol went down 9 points, and while I do have high good cholesterol, I also have high bad cholesterol. I hate thinking about that stuff but it kind of weighs on the back of my mind. I am thin, active, and maintain a relatively healthy diet BUT my genes have betrayed me and I still have to watch my cholesterol. Poo. On the up side, I've increased my soy intake via tofu and soy milk. I started before I had the news about my cholesterol since I read soy can help encourage fertility on the woman's side. We'll see if it makes a difference for either of my goals!

And now, it's boo time. We would be surfing, but I'm trying not to prolong my sickness. Just a cold I think, but why drag it out when the waves may not be so good today anyway. I may not be so willing to pass once summer comes around...