Random rant in my head...

God gives me my good moments, and lets me have my bad moments. The Bible tells us, "He who has been forgiven much, loves much." It's so true. If we don't know grace or forgiveness, or learn how much we need it, we'll never give it and never feel truly loved - with all our flaws and faults.

Don't we do the same thing to our kids? We let them do things their way sometimes so they can learn or fail. If we do everything for them all the time they will neither learn, or learn to fail. In the same instance, we learn to let them fail, which can be hard as humans since we're shortsighted. Our initial response is to avoid sadness and negative feelings, but without those, we don't know how blessed happiness really is.

I have one amazing boy

We got his lil froggy potty and his potty seat (for the big potty) only a few weeks ago and he is doing better than I had already expected! He is impressing me for real. We have been doing part time elimination communication by giving him a little naked time every day (or at least no bottoms). He has been using his potty so well, going to it when he has to go. Of course we've had our accidents along the way, but more successes than set backs. Thank goodness for our tile floors! He's such a smart boy and I'm so thankful for his cooperation, and I'm just so proud of him.

All this is on the tail end of officially weaning him from nursing too. We went almost two years, but all good things must come to an end. I will definitely miss those times. Now look at this new journey we already started. Always bittersweet to see him growing up, but I never want to be too selfish and hold him back. I can feel that drag on my heart sometimes, but my deepest drive is to help him grow up and be there however he needs me.

I love this kid so much. He is one amazing boy.

Little Miss Perfect

Bright smile at day's first light.
Patience increases with baby's each cry.
Breakfast comes like ocean tide; a lovely sight and right on time.
No frustration uttered from her mouth.
Life is simple when Perfect is around.

The dishes are washed before she eats.
Lunch she promises will be a feast.
Never would she forget to play.
Never would she rest in the middle of the day.
Naturally she sparkles like her house.
Life is magic when Perfect is around.

Ready for more after the babe naps.
Not a hair out of place when he wrestles in her lap.
And dinner will of course be done shortly.
She has only to serve her precious family.
Never makes a fuss or sound.
Life is pleasant when Perfect is around.

And again the kitchen is spotless.
Not to mention the bathtub and toilet.
The floor is clear.
The laundry disappears.
She wouldn't dream of letting dust abound.
Life is just wonderful when Perfect is around.

Never would you need to throw her a dime.
She has no wants or things in mind.
Never for your help would she pine;
She knows you already work full time.
Nothing undone in the wake of her path.
Life is perfect when Perfect is around.

Busy busy busy

We're all so busy ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I think I fight being busy. I avoid commitments so I don't overload my schedule (or myself). I have learned lessons on boundaries and that is one of my personal boundaries I am pretty aware of. I'm not saying I'm always right to shy away from commitments, but I am glad that I no longer jam pack my life with so many activities that I am never home or forget what's really important. it's easy to lose sight of important things that are right in your face when you're always looking towards what's next on the to-do list. More of us should include quiet or down time on our to-do list. I know I do.

What the funk?

I've been in such a funk lately. I feel like I'm pms-ing but it's weeks too early. Just feeling low but with emotional volatility....kinda like a bipolar person I guess. (No, I don't think I'm bipolar.) Anyways, just all this has me clinging to God and the Word because I would be a terrible mother and wife without that support.

Doing lots of reflecting tonight and here is a rant that went on in my head as I ate my midnight snack...


So many people want advice from someone who has "been there" or is in the same situation they are in. Maybe it's a good idea to hear from people who were able to make choices to avoid your situation. Hmmm, maybe! Just because I'm not in your current situation doesn't mean that I didn't walk that line or even make most of the same choices. If 3 people step on the same crack, and 2 of them trip but only one of them doesn't trip, wouldn't you wanna get advice from the one who didn't trip rather than the one who tripped just like you? Not that people in your same situation can't offer valuable encouragement and personal experience - they can - but you can't live as if you're the only ones who understand. It's such as excuse to be angry or isolate yourself.

Says I.

BGC9 ep 1 & 2

Why the heck do those girls say Christina is fake? Cuz she didn't come in the house swinging? I'd be like her, I'm nice up front but once you hit that switch it is definitely on. That's not fake, that's being a level person until the right time. She's from Jersey City; how could you think she didn't have some hood in her?

I can't stand Julie or Char Jr (whatever...Obama chic). Char Jr fake inside and out then Julie just complains - she's that chic that talks and talks.

Blondie is koo and Falen is super funny. Falen is in the wrong crew though but I guess you gotta pick a side.

Rima...why you there when you got a son?? That would break my heart to leave my son for 3 months. How can you be dancing on bars with your booty out and fighting so much when you got that boy looking up to you? I dunno girl. No shame if you leave early for him.

Erika: love her so far. She fuels the fires but she does keep it real - and I'd believe she could take anyone in the house haha!


I wonder who will end up in Mexican jail? Lol 😜

Uneventful Independence Day

Hubby works so no celebrations for us. I don't really care to do much unless we went to hang with friends; large crowds of people i don't know is not fun to me. Call me grumpy/party-pooper/square but I don't like car or foot traffic (like being bumped into or fighting to get a place to sit). *shudder*

I took Kole out for a rare evening outing to catch some of the Ala moana show from Waikiki beach. After trying to keep him busy and out of the street for 40-minutes, the show started. The Sheraton blocks most of it but we could see the big bursts. Unfortunately Kole was not entertained. He kept shaking his head "no" and pointing in the opposite direction of the fireworks. Haha! I was like OK I guess we won't be staying. I wasn't bummed to leave cuz I only came for him to see. It was kinda late to be out anyway.

This is a lame post for a fairly lame day. Woke up sicker today than yesterday, and still dragged my butt to the grocery store. I think I'll be feeling better by tomorrow, just in time for a date with my man.

I planned a date for us since it's been so long (again). And I'm very proud of myself for doing so because it's the last thing I felt like doing BUT now I'm excited and in the spirit just in time for our anniversary coming up too. Been praying for a change of heart and God works quickly when we open up to let Him.

Weaning

Well Kole is down to nursing only about 4 times per day now. It's a good thing cuz he seems to accept when I offer food rather than "mum-mums." i definitely don't offer anymore unless it's all we have while we're out. Today he didn't nurse from about 9am until 10pm. Luckily my body has adjusted to less feedings so I'm just going with the flow.

A part of me really didn't wanna quit breastfeeding. It's such a special time with him. Then another part of me is ready, I guess...kinda. I want him to be getting the most/best calories that he can and if that's not from me, then I am happy to feed him something else. I've rarely felt burdened by breastfeeding on demand. It's been a great thing for us and I hope I'm this successful with future children.

It's weaning for both of us; a new chapter in our relationship as he transitions to more of a separate person from Mama. Only the first of many things I'll have to let go of in his life as he grows up. *sigh*

The Boy Walks

It's official, the boy walks. He's been playing with the idea for at least a month now but as of the last couple days he is really walking around. He wants to wear his shoes/slippers, and he will walk alone to explore but often prefers to hold a hand and show us the way. I'm loving it (even though I know chasing him down is not far away).

Precious moment of the day (maybe the whole month): As we were walking through the mall today, one hand in daddy's hand and the other in mine, Kole stops and lets go. He needed to dance! He got a lil jiggy, then grabbed our hands again, an we continued on our way. &hearts LOVE

I'm ready for bed (full day recap)

Today was long. Kole woke up early cuz he went to bed super early the night before. Then we had to all get going early to pick up our Nanang. It's been a while since we had her here and she is leaving next week for a month. We stopped by Safeway and AT&T then headed home to make sure Kole got his nap. He eventually napped and Nanang joined him after a we all ate. I was excited to catch a nap for myself when I all of a sudden realized it was just about 2:30 - the time when we were supposed to be at the doctor for a 15-month well visit. Aaah! Called and got it bumped to 2:45 but had to wake the baby and run out the door still.

He was not happy. And then he was real mad at me and the car seat. And he was beyond pissed when he had to lie down to be examined. Then he screamed nonstop when he was getting his 3 booster shots. I nursed him for comfort and a quick meal since he hadn't eaten since we interrupted his nap. Finally, to top it all off, he needed a blood draw. Not one arm, but both arms were punctured since he was slightly dehydrated and they couldn't get a vein, at which time he proceeded to puke on both the lab ladies, daddy, the chair, the floor, and himself. My poor baby bear. We were all emotionally exhausted after that one.

Of course, he also fights me and the car seat on our short trip home. This was to be the last driving with him for the day. We did walk to the beach though, which always cheers him up. He had lots of fun with his new sand toys and even met a lil friend. The baby and his mom didn't speak English but I guess that's the beauty of watching babies interact; they don't speak much of any language but they communicate plenty.

We stopped at a farmer's market on the way home from the beach, then J brought Nanang home. I nursed a fussy Kole and he soon after fell asleep in my arms. Thought it would be a quick one so I held him rather than put him down.....an hour and a half later I set him down. He didn't even wake up when I started chopping and cooking in the kitchen.

Basically he woke up for a little bit and we tried to feed him and failed then we put him to bed - twice (he woke up after 5 minutes the first time).

Watched some classy reality tv and ate some awesome arrozcaldo (with calamansi from Nanang) and mango for dessert. Yup, I'm so ready for bed.

Going to beach now

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The sting of the plank

Just discovered a preverbal plank in my eye. It's not necessarily a sinful one, but still a case of specks, planks and/or looking in the mirror.

My friend is going through some thangs and is feeling alone - that no one can relate to their situation. I always say just because we don't feel some one has experienced the exact same thing doesn't mean you're alone. I still believe this, and know that we all have our own struggles and life stories that aren't identical to anyone else's. However, I seem to doubt a certain person who promises to know my pain and bear my shame: Jesus.

I read and "know" that God hurts when I hurt, but do I live out that knowledge? Do I believe in my heart that he loves me more than myself when he allowed injustice to scar me? Honestly, I hold doubt on this. I can even say I know I'm wrong for this doubt. BUT I still wonder why I had to be shamed in this way and how can Jesus truly understand me when he was never a pervert's prey. Of course he was shamed, and he was violated...but was he molested? No, he wasn't.

The more questions I ask, the more I'm assured that he truly can relate to my hurt. He had no family or friend to turn to. He had no protection from his fate. He was shamed (more than me) - publicly humiliated and even murdered. He felt exposed and abandoned.

I wish I could've been like Him and not sinned out of my disgrace (adding more poo to the pile). That's the real difference between me and Him; not that I was sexually molested and He wasn't.

And yet still, I do wonder why. Why doesn't God stop the injustice? Why does he allow his children to be robbed of dignity? I may never get an answer that satisfies or settles my heart. I can only grow in faith and an understanding of what it means to receive Grace after tragedy. I can only allow my life, from enslaved brokenness to bold freedom, be a light and example the healing process and of why we need to know Jesus to get through it.

Life happens so quickly

I am sure that I'll never be able to fully keep up with life - or my son! They both don't take any breaks. They're both a gift from heaven.

Not that life is always great, but when I really invest in it, and try to live it the way God intended, it just makes the bad things smaller and the good things that much better. Currently I'm going through some healing from my childhood. It's wounds I've dressed before and thought might have actually been healed, but some scars run deep and I'm goin' in after them! Thankful to have a sister to walk through the mud with.

The timing is truly God, as I also was asked to participate in our church's Easter service this coming Sunday to share a snippet of my hardship but more importantly how God comes through in those times. Luckily it's not a speaking role or anything, God will speak through me anyway.

On a other very exciting note, my son took some little steps today! Very first time! He was trying to walk towards me in the bathroom and took 2 timid, cute little steps. Then he did it again and thankfully daddy was watching the second time. So thankful he was here to see it too! I was shocked at how happy I felt for this to happen. I joke about how I'm not in a hurry for him to walk cuz I know I'll really be chasing him down - kind of joking but kind of serious. In the end, I guess I'm more excited for him to learn new things and develop new skills. He's so precious to me, and his triumphs feel like mine too.

Who know how soon until he takes off running on his own. He's trying to talk more and more too these days. He babbles with such intent on what he's saying, it's super cute. I love hearing him experiment with sounds and inflection. He even signs a couple things, which is helpful for daily communication rather than whining for everything. (Not a fan.) He can sign "thirsty", "ball", and "all done." He understands "eat" I think. He understands so well when we talk to him too. Their brains really are sponges!

So much happens in the daily life of a toddler; it definitely keeps me on my toes! I'm still learning to really grab some me-time. I did finally get out for a ladies night and we saw Anjelah Johnson. Felt awesome to get out! I've been trying to get a break more consistently, and my hubby and I are even putting more effort into trying to have a date every once in a while. We don't know how to date each other anymore and that's not so good. My healing process will benefit us both in the end, and I'm so looking forward to it.

"I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me." (Philippians 3:12 NLT)

The word I've longed to hear

Well, it's official: my baby boy is saying "mama" (to me/about me, rather than just babbling). He actually started the day after my last post. It was funny because at first he was saying "nanang" when he would see his great-grandma's picture, which I thought was super adorable, but then I started asking about "mama" too. If he had to identify anyone before mama, I'd gladly step aside to our Nanang - she is THE BEST.

Somehow now he won't say Nanang even when he sees her pic, but he is saying "mama" when he sees my picture and even sometimes to call me. He's still figuring out the whole call-and-response thing but it's still so cute to hear him say it. ♥

He's learning new things every other day, I swear. Babies are such sponges! He is imitating and interpreting sounds like coughs, groans, cars, clicks, all kinds of things. It's really cool to experience this growing mind and intellect.

He's standing a lot more these days too. Today he really wanted to stand a lot because he was trying to dance standing up, rather than doing the twist while sitting, or bouncing on his knees. I can't wait to dance with my boy!

While is also testing boundaries more often as well, it can't outweigh the joy and wonder he brings into our lives. Being a parent is a lot work (all day, every day), but it really is rewarding in countless intangible ways. I'd even say it's magical. Lord, help me to not take a moment for granted; I know they'll disappear like magic too.

Late-night thoughts on the boy

I just love my son so much. As his personality unfolds he never stops amazing me. He's already funny and silly at one year old. I love our little ways we communicate and play games with sounds. He's such a cool kid. I know our relationship will change and evolve over the years, of course, but my prayer is that we would always be close.

Grey Poison

For someone who believes in the Bible and that God's Word is the final word, life is black and white. Either your choices are ok with God, or they're not. Plain and simple. When you sin, we'll call that the black; when you choose to follow God, we'll call that white. But because we are all human and we do sin and we do make mistakes, we often live in this sort of grey area. We love God BUT we wanna sleep with our boyfriend BUT we go to church every Sunday and read our Bible BUT we fudge on our taxes to get more money back BUT we volunteer at the shelter BUT BUT BUT. God's truth doesn't have room for all those buts.

The grey area we try to hide in is poison to our soul. In the grey area we can convince ourselves that we're "a good person" and that it all pans out cuz I do some bad but I do more good. Salvation isn't a math equation where if GOOD > BAD then you're in the clear. The grey area is not black, but it's definitely not white. Grey is lukewarm and appalling to God.

Grey is where we trap ourselves in cycles of unhealthy behavior. We sin, then we feel bad, and tell ourselves we're damaged goods. We look on at the white area and think "I'll never achieve that." Then our bad decision becomes another and another then we're in a cycle; a lifestyle of sinful choices.

Got waits with open arms for us to step out of the grey. We have to gauge out the grey and not look back. We're guaranteed to sin again along the way but His Grace is sufficient, and it's readily available to the repentant. Thank goodness!

Bear fruit, not shame. Jesus didn't suffer and die for us to be grey. Change your heart. Change your life.

It takes 2 to become 1

Lately I've felt a weight hanging on my shoulders, spiritually. It happens when I feel far from God. Especially when I know what I need or need to do, but it's not happening. I need to be pursuing God, but I need my hubby to pursue God as well - that way we're moving in the same direction.

I could tell my hubby was not actively moving towards God but I didn't know what was up until we had a good talk yesterday. It's always a process to pick his brain but it feels good once we communicate those unspoken things that have been floating like dust around our noses.

So why do I need to bug him just cuz I'm in a spiritual funk? As a Christian, I believe that when I married my husband, we became one; no longer separate people but inextricably intertwined. This is a blessing and a curse, of course, because while we can ride on each other's wings in joy, we also can feel the pull when one is dragging through a valley.

More than a K

He says I'm selfish, and that may be true. But how many of our decisions and desires for our children are indeed selfish?

Here's the deal...

Our son's name is Kole Kahelemeakua. It took a lot of arguing and discussion to arrive at this name. Kole (Cole) is the only name I liked that my husband liked too. More details about that later. His middle name was decided by my husband. It means "one who walks with God." I like the meaning for sure, but I wanted his middle name to be Koamalu, which means "peaceful courage." he didn't like the meaning or the sound of "mal" since in Spanish mal means bad. Sort of understandable to me, but I only gave in on the condition that I get to spell his first name with a K instead of C.

The K is the only thing I got to fully choose for my son: the boy I dreamt of having for years and years. I had wanted this boy for so long and he would be coming out with nothing in his name to represent his mama but this K. (We didn't even put my maiden name in his name, as is a Filipino tradition.)

A simple reason I don't want to change it, and partly why I thought of it in the first place, is I don't want him to have an ordinary name. 99% of Coles are spelled with a C. My boy is not average, neither will his name be.

And in that same way, I want him to know who he is and be confident in it. Here in Hawai'i, the word "okole" means butt (pronounced oh-ko-leh). He says he'll literally be the butt of every joke. But is it really that drastic? Kids get teased for one thing or another through their childhood. It sucks, but I see it as a part of growing up. You may suffer at the time but the goal is that you would come out of it stronger, and their silly comments would roll of your shoulders. I don't want him to suffer - of course not! But I don't want to start him off on this foot that gives in to pressures from others. They tease, so I change myself?.....Heck no! You make em recognize you are who you are, NOT who they say you are. That is an important life skill that I pray my son learns early.

A final reason I dot think we need to change the spelling of his name is that he supposedly was to be attending school on the mainland. I thought this was established but as usual my hubby has probably extended plans to stay here in Hawai'i. He says "who knows" but I thought we already did. Who knows...I guess we'll see about that (a whole 'nother can o' worms).

1-year letter to Baby Bear

Hi boo boo,

You are sleeping right next to me right now. Your face makes me smile just as big as the first day I saw yours. Your daddy and I love you so much. Even after we put you to bed, we laugh and cherish the moments we shared with you that day.

You are 1 year old now. Wow. I hope you had fun at your first birthday party. There's one more to come here in Hawai'i. I love that so many people want to celebrate the life of my baby boy. You are truly worth celebrating!

I'm loving your personality and watching you learn every day. You are funny, smart, sweet and tough all at the same time. My prayers for you are endless but include that you would stand strong in your faith for God, that you would know your worth, and you would have more patience than me or your daddy. :)

I love you, son. No matter how fast you grow or how big you get, you'll always be my baby bear.


Love,
Yo Mama
💙

First Birthday Party

Well it's happened: my son is 1-year old. A year ago (and one day) I held in my arms the most precious person I've ever met. He's changed and grown so much since that day. I guess I have a little too.

I wanted to make his first birthday party a party to remember. It would be the first kids party I throw, and an important one for my first and only son. I planned for a month: buying decorations, supplies, goodie bags, setting a menu, ordering and designing the cake, etc. But the party that took place was not the one laid out on my spreadsheet. There wasn't a column for snow and ice. There definitely wasn't a row for measles.

God had a different party planned. His spreadsheet did have snow and ice, which thankfully melted by this morning. His vision included Kole having measles, which also thankfully cleared up a lot by today. Unfortunately I lost a lot of invitees because of those things, and that was hard to swallow.

"No kids coming?? But God, I bought all this stuff for the goodie bags! And look at all this food!"

"Let me show you something." He replied. And that He did.

A wonderful handful of my friends came through, and a lot of family friends filled the house by the time I was finished decorating. Quality time, good conversation, bomb food, and lots of love to celebrate Kole - those were on my spreadsheet. Those are what matter the most.

I'm not gonna lie, I still feel some disappointment to miss out on seeing some people I love, but I'm glad to add to my life list of experiences where God edits my spreadsheet and the party is still a party.

Bittersweet Mama

I took Kole to the beach just me and him he other day and he was so excited. He would sit in the water and play all by himself. He giggles as he kicked his feet in the wet sand and somehow rotated as he did it. The cutesy thing ever. I really need a waterproof case for my camera!

People were kinda fascinated that this little man loved the ocean so much. He isn't scared even though he can't walk it swim haha.


Today we were playing games in his iPad and there were animals and sounds. When the pig came on and oinked, he snorted too! Things like that melt my heart because it's bittersweet: he's so smart but he's growing up so fast. He even walked with daddy only holding one hand today. *le sighhh*

Stayed home all day today. Just had no motivation to go anywhere. Feels good to stay home sometimes but today I felt blah all over I guess. It didn't help that my dear son was having a rough day himself - which always means my day will be that much harder. He just seems to be entering the willful defiance stage. You know, testing the waters, pushing me to my limits. He'll do something until the very moment I'm about to grab him, or he'll listen until I turn away or blink and start up again. Oh man, this boy.

I'm sure I need to get off my butt more often now that he's so mobile (and sure to walk in the next month or two). We'll make it a routine to spend some time at the beach most days since that's his favorite place anyway.

I wanna add in some art time for him too; it's in his blood to be artistic. We tried out some crayons with him today and he loved it. As long as I keep him occupied he's happy; he really needs it and asks for it. Plus I gotta wear him out so he'll nap better, lol. He's such a boy.

I ♥ my boy!!



Been trying to utilize the art stuff my mama gave me for Christmas in my spare* time. Got a thing for peacock feathers lately, so I want to get good at drawing them. I've always liked them but my interest has been peaking more recently. I love the vibrant, rich colors of the feathers, and the shape is elegant and even something sensual about it. Whatever it is about them, I'm exploring their beauty with different mediums. First I did colored pencils (Prismacolor), then tonight I tried crayons (Crayola).

I like the first one better since I had more options for colors with the pencils. It was fun working with crayons though. Don't think to play with those too often. That's one fun part about having kids: you get to relive some of those fun childhood elements all over again.

*Spare time is defined as time I occasionally choose to indulge myself when I should probably be cleaning up, cooking, napping or all of the above.

I feel the clock ticking

It's less than three weeks until Kole's birthday and even less time until we'll be in leaving for Seattle. I'm feeling the pressure to get a million things done the way I want them to be done. I'm not always good at deadlines but I really do try most the time. Today I got a little bit done on a special guest book I'm getting printed for the party. I need to finish that and a video/slideshow too.

There really aren't enough hours in a day. We ran some errands at the mall and lost track of time. The boy got a late nap and was quite a challenge to put down for bed even though it was 2 hours past his normal bed time. Now it's late and I should be sleeping soon but I need to sort my upcoming tasks, jot down a couple lists of things we need, clean the kitchen and the living room...I should also fold the laundry buuuuut that will have to wait until tomorrow.

It's so true that a woman's work is never done, especially moms. I hope someday I'll learn to work the hours we're given. Until then I'll just keep living off minimal sleep.

Good night!

Hau'oli Makahiki Hou 2012

I don't think 2011 could've passed by any faster. My life exploded with the birth of my son and the purchase of our first home. Both of those things come with ups and downs. I can honestly say that I liked 2011. How could I not feel blessed?

We've been living in our condo for four months now and homeownership is clearly a crash course. First time home owners should read a book about the aches and pains from buying and living in your own home. I mean, I know there are books out there, but I wouldn't have read one. How would I know who I could relate to until it actually happens? That's how I think about it anyway. So yeah, love having our own place and even like we can feel settled a little more. Not loving the expenses that come with an aging building, but you gotta take the bad with the good. Happy to have space for our guests (which we've had a lot of in the last month), and even just the basics like a full kitchen, a bedroom with a door, and space for my son to play.

Speaking of the boy, he is almost a year old already. I am fighting the urge to keep him my tiny little baby. I know he has to continue to grow and develop, but I also know I'll spend his whole life wishing I could hold him in my arms just a few seconds longer. He melts my heart, brings me pride and joy, and irritates me all in the same day - just like any other love I guess. But really, he is more than I imagined, better than I ever prayed for. God is good.

Which brings me to my first goal of the year: to renew my commitment to God. I failed this year. No excuses, just made more choices to do my own thing rather than pursue the one thing that will truly fill my cup.

A second goal: to blog more. I still have been mini-journaling in my phone, but I want to do more. I want to share more. I want to reach out more (Third goal). I am not sure how this will all look in my daily life, but I know that as I work on my first goal, God, that all other things will fall into place.

Happy New Year! It's gonna be a good one!

P.S. Another possible goal: I might try to be more physically active for physical and mental health, but that is not a big priority at this point.