One word - day 1

Go
1. What is God saying to you this past year?

• I need to address my anger. There is something deep in me that needs to be removed, like an undetected cancer that manifests in sneaky ways so I don't address the real issue.

• I need to stay confident. Be strong and courageous.

• I am cared for and I'm not the only one looking out for myself.

2. What area does God want to take hold of in your life and use for His glory?

•? I always have felt my hurts and stuggles were to be put to light for His glory, but - even as a dancer/artist - I didn't truly believe my talents were a blessing as much as my scars. It feels like God may be leading me towards a new truth.

3. How does God want to position you for the upcoming year?

• Forward. Surrounded. 

New realization and prayer

I don't like challenges. Real ones. Not the kind you know you can overcome; those are fine. I mean the ones that bring doubt and change and mess up my plans.

I consider myself flexible, but where is my heart? I consider myself resourceful, but can I remain joyful?

I want to be better at greeting  a challenge. I want to welcome it and walk towards it with confidence in myself that I can do it. That my first thought would be that God's plan is unfolding and my plan has always been blessedly obsolete at best.

If I grow in Faith, I will grow in flexibility. If I grow in Hope, I will grow in happiness. If I grow in Spirit, I will grow in strength.

Please pray for me.

Thanks! :)

*Jan 17, 2015 UPDATE*

I know someone is praying for me because I'm doing better. My mind goes back to this post, this prayer, and I have more peace and a little more patience. Continuing to move forward I hope! God is challenging me and showin me how much he believes I can handle.

*Aug 12, 2015 UPDATE*

I forgot about this post. I can honestly say I'm not as afraid of obstacles nowadays. I'm not a model of peace or faith but I can be hit with a problem or challenge and be ready to pray and make a decision. I think haha. Definitely less fear and less doubting myself in this area of life.

"I" does not exist

I don't have time to do much crafting. I've got ALL the stuff I need...except time. I wish I could have a space to do my thing. I honestly am not able to just start a project in a snap. I need to get in the zone. Plus if I get interrupted I honestly get frustrated and I - I can't even get these thoughts down without being rediculously interrupted.

---20 min later

Anyways it hurts and pisses me off when my hubby says I need to get rid of stuff cuz I don't use it like it's my choice that I don't get to have time to do the things I want to do. WTF. I don't have down time; it's called bed time, but I have to sleep when they do or I'm groggy on top of stretched thin and that is never a good day. I focus all on my kids because they should be the priority. I truly believe that and put my all into that. That's why all those I's above don't exist.

I seriously need to be back in Seattle surrounded by family and friends. I'm not healthy here ALONE in Hawaii. 

I exist there.

Being selfish (no.1)

I got tired of living my life by only following through with something based on guilt or anger. I didn't like that my actions or decisions were primarily based on other people; either I didn't it to make them happy, or I did it to hurt them. Or I would only have the motivation to get something done because I was channeling frustration into action.

Relationships guide our decisions but they should not completely govern them. I value being considerate and aware of others, but I despise being controlled or manipulated by others (as most of us do). 

So what did I do? Well I still struggle today with this sometimes - a lack of motivation or follow-through. However I have a better understanding of what I am responsible for: other peoples' feelings isn't one of them. Not that I don't care how my actions affect others, but it will not make my decision for me anymore. 

I know myself better too, and what I need or don't need, and I respect my own boundaries. For example, I can't remember the last time I over-committed myself to too many activities. I just don't say yes if I'm not 100% sure I'll have the time or energy to commit. Saying no is selfish, but sometimes that's okay.

Things I avoid in my diet (especially my kids!)

1. Artificial colors (including "caramel color") - So unnecessary most of the time! Annoying. Bad for you. No.

2. Carrageenan - Inflammation? Cancer? No thanks!

3. Hyrdogenated oils - Pretty hard to avoid but worth it to cut down in your most eaten items. 

4. MSG (aka autolyzed yeast extract, etc) - Extremely hard to avoid in all its forms but not impossible. It's worth the effort.

5. "Natural" and "Artificial" flavors - So natural it can't even be named...right. And artificial is just that: not real. Let's eat real flavors and real food. Please.

6. High fructose corn syrup - Too much of any sweetener is bad, but why make it worse? 

7. Non-organic apples, strawberries, raspberries...and most of the EWG's dirty dozen when possible. Pesticides = poison. Poison is bad for you.

8. GMO's - Less is mo' bettah. Buy organic when you can. Limit your non-organic items containing soy, canola and corn oil. Olive, sunflower, and coconut oils are great alternatives.

Reading labels is not obsessive! Since when is educating yourself a ridiculous thing to do? Knowing what you're eating is smart. Taking care of yourself and your children's bodies is responsible. Supporting products that agree with these values is common sense. 

Yesterday's devotionals...

I had started a post but must have not saved it before jumping up when the kids woke up and it's gone. :( I had a good ah-ha moment and I hope I can get the same notes down here again...

•slow down sometimes!

•Starting off with reading my bible is so hard, for me, but getting easier. I want it to be engrained in me. I know I need that time with God and the Word but I am so distracted all the time.

•Already seeing the difference in myself when I pursue my quiet time more diligently. My daily struggles are not as powerful over me.

I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words. (Psalm 119:147 ESV)

•learning to give him the daily battles not just remember the big wars.

Today's devotionals

•There's so much good that comes with the "bad" or hard parts of being a parent.

•Must continue to take notes as the beautiful things of life and children happen, so I can reflect on them when I'm down.

•My kids are a gift and truly answers to prayers I prayed to become a mom.

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there. (1 Samuel 1:27-28 ESV)

•Doing vs Being a witness... Not always about the activity of witnessing, but just being a witness from the inside out.