I know I won't forget this morning

I was up off and on last night for various reasons and I still tried to go into work today. Fail. I am not on any normal sleep schedule so trying to get back into routine one day a week is hard, but this morning was the worst I've ever felt. I have been real tired lately but sleep easiest in the afternoons - how convenient. I'm pretty wide awake at night then I wake up around 7 or 8am most days and can't go back to sleep for a couple hours. The only problem is that once I do fall back asleep, I'm out until at least noon.

Last night I was accompanied by hunger and my very active lil baby boy. I ate some Cheerios around 1:30am which was just enough to get my stomach to stop growling. Baby boy is most often up at this time, which is fine cuz I am usually too, but for most of the night he decided to tap dance on my hip. I've read of women complaining about this sensation, and now I know why. I have to always be thankful that he's so active, but it truly kept me up last night. I think he may have shifted positions cuz it's my left hip and right ribs that take a lot of beatings now. I wish I could at least watch him in there, lol.

Anyways, my alarm went off at 5am...I snoozed for 9 min...then it went of again....and I sat...for 15min at the edge of the bed. Trying not to be emotional cuz I knew I was just super tired. I only work 1-day a week and I wanted to suck it up. This time that was a bad idea. After about 2-hours at work it hit me: dizzy, nauseous, hot flashes. Just as the cold sweat was hitting (and by then I was sitting on the floor behind the counter in front of the a/c), I'm pretty sure I passed out. The last thing I remember was closing my eyes cuz I was overwhelmed with all those symptoms, then I woke up with my face on our nasty floor right by the fridge and sinks. Yum.

I had to get outta there but I was slow and dazed. Finally did of course, but felt like crap, not just physically, but for leaving my shift so early. I hate leaving my co-workers hanging, and especially my boss. I usually pull through okay, but I knew I'd be pretty useless if I stayed, and it wouldn't be the healthiest choice for me.

I really think it's the lack of sleep that got to me. I ate a whole peanut butter & jelly sandwich at 5:30, and was drinking water the whole time I had been at work. I even snacked on a little coffee cake and sipped a banana smoothie. I should've been all right, but I guess I gotta learn to read my body better. Sometimes it's hard to remember my body is not the same body as it used to be for now. I have to not compare myself to other pregos too. I feel weaker or less capable than other pregnant women a lot of times. At least I'm not on bed rest I guess.

Well, better get some real sleep. Your prayers are appreciated. ♥

The push and pull

I am in quite a funk. It started to really manifest on Saturday night (or morning) when I could not sleep. At first it was because my husband was so sick he couldn't breathe, so I was worried and constantly listening to him hack and blow his nose. We were out of theraflu and other cold meds so at 5:30am I offered to go to the store. I had been on my phone playing games for the last 3 hours so I realized I should help him. I felt so bad, he hadn't slept either, of course. So I got him the sudafed and theraflu, and he was eventually finally able to get some sleep. I on the other hand, still couldn't sleep, and was left with a dilemma: stay up the rest of the morning and go to church OR try to get a little sleep but risk not waking up once I'm out.

I tried to stay awake, because I know once I sleep, getting me up is a hard task. I went down to the coffee shop since my friend was working and helped out around the store. My boss came in and we all chatted and hung out for a bit. I ate a breakfast sandwich and it was one of those things that tasted better than usual because I was starving and borderline delirious. I went upstairs around 8am, but my mind was still up wanting to think and mull and play. By the time 9am was rolling around, I knew I should not drive. Jason was asleep and I decided it was time to force the issue and sleep. 9:30am.

I had another sleepless night last night. I didn't knock out until after 6am this time. This time it was pure mental madness. I had cried earlier about Turtle, since he's still missing and it's almost been 2 months. I still have some hope but as that shrinks it hurts, like it's my own flesh wasting away.

Being sad about that, on top of the fact that I'm missing my family terribly lately, just finally pushed out the tears. I am so torn between trying to visit all the time, to saving money. Or wishing for home, versus making my home here. But it's hard when I know we're gonna move back eventually; but sometimes I think I could stay longer, then other times I want to leave tomorrow. I know J wants to stay, even though we've always planned to go back. But then I have to consider his happiness too. Will he resent going back to Seattle? Will he resent me, and the kids we'll have? They're a big reason I want to go back - to raise them there, around our families, familiar territory, and better schools. Honestly, knowing Turtle isn't waiting for us not only breaks my heart, but that little part of my heart doesn't even wanna go back.

J was of course thrown off by my emotions, and wanted to know what the heck was going through my head. We talked, but I can't just relax. He knows what's on the agenda, and he says he'll cope living there again, but I don't want that. But am I coping here? We have a good life here, but it doesn't feel complete for me. There's so many deeper issues for him and even me, but this is the shell of it all. I'm glad we talk, and I'm glad he holds me even when he doesn't get me.

So what exactly is my problem...

Part of my mental swirl last night was trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. God is in control, so why am I trippin'? Am I trying to control? Am I fearing the unknown? Am I not accepting the cards He's dealt? Am I not being patient for answers to my questions? Am I pouring myself into things that don't have anything to do with pursuing God?


Yes.

I'm sick of being sick!

So I was sick for about a week and I swear I got better but now as of Wednesday night I'm sick again. Annoying. Being sick always feels like such a waste of time. I have been disciplined and not surfing in hopes to speed my recoveries but it doesn't seem to help with whatever I have. I miss surfing. And I even have now called out from work twice - the only two times since I started. Ugghhhh! At least we made it to the grocery store in the short time I was feeling up to it. I love having a cupboard and fridge full of goodies.

Another good thing that lifts my spirits is that they finally aired an episode of Ugly Betty. I am so sad that the show is going to end. I LOVE UGLY BETTY! The show is so awesome I don't understand why it can't continue. Maybe it doesn't have enough explicit sex or ridiculous relationships flying all around, and America Ferrera may not be considered the "ideal" hot body, but girl is beautiful, and represents a demographic that is more relatable than a super model type. She is a woman of color with a good head on her shoulders and meat on her bones. She's imperfect and can admit it; very vulnerable and always growing. C'mon people! Is it too much to ask to have a show that is positive and dramatic and quirky all at the same time?

I digress...

Your prayers of healing and quick recovery are welcomed. My chest is heavy, my throat is scratchy, and I've run a low fever off and on. I'm going to keep resting as a priority and keep my hot honey/lemon/ginger water handy. I am trying to avoid my usual Theraflu doses on the small chance that I could be pregnant. (I read that you shouldn't take it if pregnant due to high potency, etc.) I don't know if I'm even late since my cycles are still very irregular but I don't like taking chances - nah mean? I've been curving my diet and vices preparing myself for that time which I hope will come soon.

Looks like I fell off my blogging train again. Life has picked up I guess and sometimes I feel lost in the mix.

One of my dearest bestest friends now lives here! As of the 9th she is a local girl. :) I so wish we lived in the same town but we're getting together fairly often so far and making it work.

I went to the Brian McKnight concert on Valentine's Day with my friend (a girl). It was a great show; he's a true vocalist and is actually very funny. I don't think I'll ever get tired of his voice. I wish I could've gone with my boo but he had to work so we spent time before that. (I don't think he would've enjoyed it as much as me and my friend anyways.)

My honey made it up to me the following Tuesday by surprising me with a trip up north to the Polynesian Cultural Center. I had never been to that luau - or any other luau on this island actually. The food was good, but I wish we got there sooner to see more stuff around the exhibits. We took a canoe ride, and the show at the end of the night was cool. It was a big production, and I liked how they come up and down the isles throughout the whole show.

I finally had my pre-conception check-up last week. I was way overdue for my annual exam so it all worked out. My doctor said I'm healthy and she would expect me to have no problem getting pregnant, even with my cyst issues and longterm pill usage. She also did a cholesterol check on the spot. If I had just waited and not eaten my granola bar in the lobby it would've been a fasting glucose level but at least I have an update: my overall cholesterol went down 9 points, and while I do have high good cholesterol, I also have high bad cholesterol. I hate thinking about that stuff but it kind of weighs on the back of my mind. I am thin, active, and maintain a relatively healthy diet BUT my genes have betrayed me and I still have to watch my cholesterol. Poo. On the up side, I've increased my soy intake via tofu and soy milk. I started before I had the news about my cholesterol since I read soy can help encourage fertility on the woman's side. We'll see if it makes a difference for either of my goals!

And now, it's boo time. We would be surfing, but I'm trying not to prolong my sickness. Just a cold I think, but why drag it out when the waves may not be so good today anyway. I may not be so willing to pass once summer comes around...

Not much is new

Oh no! I've really been slacking on my blogging. Well, I was sick off and on for all of last week; from a stomach virus, to an apparent cyst rupture, to monthly cramps, I just couldn't win. But other than that just been working 2-4 days a week, and surfing every day my hubby and I are off at the same time. I've been switching back and forth between long and short boards, and I'm definitely not ready for a 6-0 yet. 6-8 has been good. I wanna get a 6-2 in the future I think. We got a used 5-11 ...and did our own custom paint job! I'll post the before and after pics next blog (sooner than later). I'll be dong my longboard too when I decide how to design it: girly or more classic.

I am up late again, and I'll be waking up at 7:30, not too bad, but I'll be tired. I can sleep and sleep and eat and eat lately. It's highly improbable that I'm pregnant, so I'm guessing this will pass this week. Around "that time of the month" these are just a couple of the adjustments I make to my body. Luckily I was off today so I slept in again and got my banana pancakes with a side of corned beef hash **droOOol**.

Been bad at keeping in touch still too, which apparently includes blogging. I sent a postcard out today but now I'm out of stamps - oy! Too lazy to get to the post office, or to the bank to get quarters for laundry. Living on this little island makes you lazy when it comes to distance. A 15 minute drive here is debatable and postponable until completely necessary, lol. Anyways, hopefully I'll get some phone dates lined up with my Seattle ladies this coming week. Word.

♥ a hui hou ♥

It's been funky

I have been in a sort of funk for the past week or so. I realized my fatigue was because I was about to get sick. Sick I was for 2-3 days. Of course, this was perfect timing for my new job. I've worked two shifts now, and things are going well. I like the atmosphere and I've worked with only 2 other co-workers so far (not counting my boss, and the girl who just had her last day). I'm anxious to finish all my training and get into a groove at work - y'know, when it flows and you don't have to think so hard about your every move.

I also can't wait until those paychecks start coming in...mm-hm...

I'm not sick anymore, but my congestion is either a lingering part of my illness or I'm going through some allergies or a/c is murdering my sinuses. We don't have a/c in our apartment, but it's almost everywhere else...bah.

I'm still feeling a little out of sorts emotionally/mentally but felt more at ease after getting outside and spending some quality time with my hubby at the beach and eating dinner tonight. We wanted Indian, but Maharani Indian Restaurant (awesome reviews) was packed and out of naan. We know to go there a little earlier and probably not on a Friday night. So we circled back to a Thai restaurant, Chiang-Mai, since I still haven't got my fix for that yet either. Sadly, the curry portions was sad, and overall the palette experience is not one we plan on repeating.

Our vacation club gives a certain number of points per year and 1/2 but ours are set to expire 8/31/09 - AH! We're trying to use them up asap, and are even willing to stay somewhere on the same island, just to not let them go to waste. Maui is our goal but we'll see. We're even considering selling them, it's just that it's very last minute for anyone who would be interested in buying of course. Guess we should've jumped on this sooner. Oops.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday and I wish I had been there. She did get my gifts I sent her on time though, which is always good because you never know about that usps. I wish I could use my time share points for a plane ticket home! Especially since my cat, Turtle, is now living at my mom's and after day-2 her cat is still a little aggressive towards mine. We'll need to have more patience with the lil animals, but I don't want it to escalate to an actual cat fight. So far, nothing dramatic, but my poor cat is definitely stressed out there so far. My poor baby!!

*Good night TV Land*