I know I won't forget this morning

I was up off and on last night for various reasons and I still tried to go into work today. Fail. I am not on any normal sleep schedule so trying to get back into routine one day a week is hard, but this morning was the worst I've ever felt. I have been real tired lately but sleep easiest in the afternoons - how convenient. I'm pretty wide awake at night then I wake up around 7 or 8am most days and can't go back to sleep for a couple hours. The only problem is that once I do fall back asleep, I'm out until at least noon.

Last night I was accompanied by hunger and my very active lil baby boy. I ate some Cheerios around 1:30am which was just enough to get my stomach to stop growling. Baby boy is most often up at this time, which is fine cuz I am usually too, but for most of the night he decided to tap dance on my hip. I've read of women complaining about this sensation, and now I know why. I have to always be thankful that he's so active, but it truly kept me up last night. I think he may have shifted positions cuz it's my left hip and right ribs that take a lot of beatings now. I wish I could at least watch him in there, lol.

Anyways, my alarm went off at 5am...I snoozed for 9 min...then it went of again....and I sat...for 15min at the edge of the bed. Trying not to be emotional cuz I knew I was just super tired. I only work 1-day a week and I wanted to suck it up. This time that was a bad idea. After about 2-hours at work it hit me: dizzy, nauseous, hot flashes. Just as the cold sweat was hitting (and by then I was sitting on the floor behind the counter in front of the a/c), I'm pretty sure I passed out. The last thing I remember was closing my eyes cuz I was overwhelmed with all those symptoms, then I woke up with my face on our nasty floor right by the fridge and sinks. Yum.

I had to get outta there but I was slow and dazed. Finally did of course, but felt like crap, not just physically, but for leaving my shift so early. I hate leaving my co-workers hanging, and especially my boss. I usually pull through okay, but I knew I'd be pretty useless if I stayed, and it wouldn't be the healthiest choice for me.

I really think it's the lack of sleep that got to me. I ate a whole peanut butter & jelly sandwich at 5:30, and was drinking water the whole time I had been at work. I even snacked on a little coffee cake and sipped a banana smoothie. I should've been all right, but I guess I gotta learn to read my body better. Sometimes it's hard to remember my body is not the same body as it used to be for now. I have to not compare myself to other pregos too. I feel weaker or less capable than other pregnant women a lot of times. At least I'm not on bed rest I guess.

Well, better get some real sleep. Your prayers are appreciated. ♥

Up late again

Insomnia has come back pretty strong for me. Hadn't been an issue since first trimester. I'm not uncomfortable physically, my mind is just overactive I think. I'm excited to be a mama! And we're in our last couple months of pregnancy, which is the time to finish all the prep we can think of for our baby boy. Sometimes I can't sleep until I wear my brain out, but usually I get hungry again before that happens.

Guess I should try to sleep again...after a snack, of course.

Happy birthday to me!

I am 26 years old. I am officially "mid-to-late-20's" :) haha! I don't feel old, but it always feels weird to say I'm another year older and being around younger people just sinks it deeper into my aging bones and brain. I got to spend the entire day with my lovely husband who made every effort to please the will of Queen Olive for the day. I like days like this.

I got to sleep in thanks to my co-worker KR who covered for me - thank you my dear! And we were planning on eating at the fabulous Halekulani breakfast buffet at House Without A Key restaurant, but that sleeping in part kinda trumped so we headed to Kailua for our first visit to Cinnamon's. I have been looking forward to eating there since it's so popular. We shared a 2-stack of red velvet pancakes and by the time he got through his omelette, and I got through my meatloaf sandwich, there was no more room for the infamous guava chiffon pancakes. But that's just more of an excuse to come back, which we will definitely do. I was super impressed with our selections (I'll review later), but the hype can't be for nothing right? And I wanna see what the real fuss is about.

We stopped at the mall afterwards and got my long awaited avocado bubble shake....mmmmmmm! Walked around a bit, but we were both tired and feeling under the weather on top of it, so headed home. We chilled on the couch and cuddled a bit, falling asleep for a short time. I knew he'd want to surf since he had already called in sick to work anyways so since it was my birthday I decided I'd treat myself to some waves as well. I did my best to catch on my knees rather than paddling on my stomach the whole time. That is so new to my body and I'm sure I'll be recovering still in a couple days. Caught some worthwhile rides and it just felt so good to be out there again, especially with my boo.

Came home, got showered up, and ready for dinner. I chose The Old Spaghetti Factory since it's been months since we ate there. I like that place. It's a full meal deal for a good price; can't beat that! Although I couldn't finish off my meal, I was satisfied and felt special sitting in the trolley and getting sung to for my birthday with a candle in my ice cream. Simple joys of getting a little attention, haha! :)

We arrived back to our area just in time for the huge concert getting out - so many people crossing at every corner! We missed several turns trying to avoid them, then got caught in the worst part of it all and basically took 30-40 minutes to travel what should've been 3 blocks. Ay ay ay! Now that we're home, it's couch potato time as we let our food settle and soon enough it will be b e d t i m e zzZZZ...

>>How I'm feeling at 12-weeks

Today brings us to 12-weeks in to our pregnancy. I am feeling more changes than I can see, but a part of me wishes it was visible to people outside of me.

I can feel my body changing as the fetus develops - currently it's the size of a lime! Growing so fast, which explains my appetite. I don't mind eating a lot but I can't seem to eat much at once, and I usually don't want to eat something again that I've recently eaten. I know, picky, right? Hey, my body speaks and I just do what makes it feel best. I wish it were that easy when it comes to getting dressed and staying comfortable while lying down. I currently don't have any jeans I can wear if I plan on eating. Not a big problem, since I have dresses and skirts, and other kinds of pants, but I'm technically not really showing so it's deceiving to myself. I'm a little poochy but nothing that would cause a stranger to ask themselves "Is she pregnant?"...more like, "She must like beer and chips." The small bloat I have is exaggerated to only me because of how I feel. I do feel like a weightiness in my pelvic area and like there's so much going on inside (cuz there is!).

As far as sleeping, I have to move slower when I turn over or I get a strong pain in my sides/waist. It was shocking the first few times, but apparently common, even before you have the extra weight in front. Even when I'm lying on my side I can feel some pull. I've started propping my tummy up with a folded wash cloth for now. I'm sure I'll be searching out a nice body pillow in a month or two. Once I get to sleep these things don't seem to bug me much, but getting to sleep at night can be an issue too. For some reason I'm feeling energized at night again. I'll be sleepy but my mind races and wants to talk. Funny...for a little bit.

All this said, I should be clear that I'm so happy to be pregnant. I'm excited to show off my baby bump once I get one. I'm fascinated by the changes going on with my body, even if I'm not quite adjusted yet. God created us so strong and amazing to carry life inside of us. I'm in awe and honored to be having a baby and to be a mama. This is what I've always wanted! :)

~

Tomorrow is ultrasound #2. It's a screening for down syndrome and any other anomalies. Kinda nervous but confident since we are young, healthy and our family history is relatively clean. I am mostly excited hoping I get a new picture of my baby-to-be! That is the fun part.

>>Reading up

In the last week, and well, since I found out I was pregnant, I've done a lot of reading online. Forums are great! I like how we can just type a question into Google and find an answer. Of course I weed through the lame or silly answers but a lot of the information has helped me learn and to realize all the stuff going on inside me is normal.

I thought I was weird for not wanting vegetables lately. Apparently it's very common, and most women supplement with their vitamins and/or more fruit in their diet. That's basically what I've been doing; I've been craving fruit like mad. Thank goodness I've kept a lot of fruit around, because without it, I have trouble staying regular nowadays.

I read up on breast feeding this morning. I had never really thought about the fact that you pretty much need to do it right at the hospital, as soon as possible after any tests/complications/etc. Pretty interesting stuff, and kinda scary. I know it's going to hurt at first, but there's a good chance it will just get easier. I'm praying I have enough milk, haha, what a prayer request!

Before I eat anything a little more outside of my normal routine, I Google it too. I've come to realize how silly we are in America. Can I eat sushi? Is it okay to eat spicy Indian food? Ummmmm, Japanese women would probably laugh at us if we told them they shouldn't eat sushi. Seriously. I mean, I'm taking the cautious route, and definitely monitoring my intake of most kinds of fish, but I think since I live in a place where super fresh seafood is the standard I've been okay to even eat some seared ahi tuna. And I read a forum about Indian food where an Indian woman basically pointed out how India is overpopulated and all those women having babies surely ate some spicy and spice-filled foods. Heartburn can be an issue for those not used to it, but really, eat it if that's what you want.

The last thing I'll mention that I needed to read was that not only do these fluctuating hormones make you "sluggish" but they can also serve up some insomnia. Greaaaaaat, nothing better than being tired and unable to sleep, right? I went through some of that for about 4 nights last week and thought I must be crazy. I couldn't even nap without waking up after an hour - feeling tired but eyeballs sticking wide open. I just happened to come across part of an article on babycenter.com that mentioned more effects of hormones. I'm doing better with that the last 3 nights/naps. I think I've actually worn myself out enough that I just sleep for real. I like that.

[pic: the baby is about the size of a kumquat around this time...whatever that is]

>>Dreams, hunger, what surfing?

Tomorrow marks 9-weeks. I am excited but can't believe how long 1 week can be in my mind. It'll be almost another week still before I see my doctor next Friday, at which time I will hopefully have an ultrasound. :) Our first!

They say you could have more vivid dreams while pregnant...yep! I have always been a dreamer; full length, color features. But they have definitely been a little more creative and I can tell I'm dreaming every single night because I am remembering them a lot. (Usually that's just fine, nothing bad so far.)

Dreaming is only possible if my tummy is full apparently. I can't get to sleep or go back to sleep once I've been up long enough for my stomach to realize it's hungry. I used to be able to ignore this feeling most of the time but not anymore. Hunger overrides all. A couple crackers won't do. It's gotta be at least half a sandwich for the bean to let up. Haha

As far as exercise, I went on my first hike since we moved here; my first time up Diamond Head. It was a nice pace and length, and the view at the top was awesome of course, but it doesn't replace surfing! :/ I didn't go once this week. I did swim, but no wave riding, sadly. I wanted to cut back but none is rough. I used to go 1-3 times per week, usually twice, but because of the risk of getting hit in the belly (or head) I know I should stay away from those crowded Waikiki waters if possible. *sigh* It will be worth it, I know.

♥

The push and pull

I am in quite a funk. It started to really manifest on Saturday night (or morning) when I could not sleep. At first it was because my husband was so sick he couldn't breathe, so I was worried and constantly listening to him hack and blow his nose. We were out of theraflu and other cold meds so at 5:30am I offered to go to the store. I had been on my phone playing games for the last 3 hours so I realized I should help him. I felt so bad, he hadn't slept either, of course. So I got him the sudafed and theraflu, and he was eventually finally able to get some sleep. I on the other hand, still couldn't sleep, and was left with a dilemma: stay up the rest of the morning and go to church OR try to get a little sleep but risk not waking up once I'm out.

I tried to stay awake, because I know once I sleep, getting me up is a hard task. I went down to the coffee shop since my friend was working and helped out around the store. My boss came in and we all chatted and hung out for a bit. I ate a breakfast sandwich and it was one of those things that tasted better than usual because I was starving and borderline delirious. I went upstairs around 8am, but my mind was still up wanting to think and mull and play. By the time 9am was rolling around, I knew I should not drive. Jason was asleep and I decided it was time to force the issue and sleep. 9:30am.

I had another sleepless night last night. I didn't knock out until after 6am this time. This time it was pure mental madness. I had cried earlier about Turtle, since he's still missing and it's almost been 2 months. I still have some hope but as that shrinks it hurts, like it's my own flesh wasting away.

Being sad about that, on top of the fact that I'm missing my family terribly lately, just finally pushed out the tears. I am so torn between trying to visit all the time, to saving money. Or wishing for home, versus making my home here. But it's hard when I know we're gonna move back eventually; but sometimes I think I could stay longer, then other times I want to leave tomorrow. I know J wants to stay, even though we've always planned to go back. But then I have to consider his happiness too. Will he resent going back to Seattle? Will he resent me, and the kids we'll have? They're a big reason I want to go back - to raise them there, around our families, familiar territory, and better schools. Honestly, knowing Turtle isn't waiting for us not only breaks my heart, but that little part of my heart doesn't even wanna go back.

J was of course thrown off by my emotions, and wanted to know what the heck was going through my head. We talked, but I can't just relax. He knows what's on the agenda, and he says he'll cope living there again, but I don't want that. But am I coping here? We have a good life here, but it doesn't feel complete for me. There's so many deeper issues for him and even me, but this is the shell of it all. I'm glad we talk, and I'm glad he holds me even when he doesn't get me.

So what exactly is my problem...

Part of my mental swirl last night was trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. God is in control, so why am I trippin'? Am I trying to control? Am I fearing the unknown? Am I not accepting the cards He's dealt? Am I not being patient for answers to my questions? Am I pouring myself into things that don't have anything to do with pursuing God?


Yes.

It's May; one week down

Not sure what to blab about tonight. Just home, my honey is at work, still hate these nights. I am doing ok, just watching tv and going on Facebook. Currently watching Hustle & Flow - sad movie mang. Even if he ended up on the radio, you can't fully rise up while maintaining a 'hood mentality. That's just the truth.

We celebrated my boo's birthday on Thursday (and Friday). We ate lunch buffet at Makino Chaya and dinner at The Yardhouse. We napped, and he got to surf a little. I got him a watch and his favorite cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. We extended our celebration by visiting his family last night, and watching a late showing of Iron Man 2. I generally really dislike seeing movies on opening day because I don't like crowds or waiting (lol) but occasionally I'll do it for my honey. It was kinda worth it, and not as bad as it could've been as far as crowds. Good sequel, not necessarily better than the first, like people have said. Not sure how I feel about Cheadle in the mix, but at least he's not racist. *cough*terrencehoward*cough*

As for American Idol, the last two eliminations have been long overdue. No one on the show has a "bad" voice, but Siobhan and Aaron are not artists in the way the winner of the show should be. Aaron is young; he's got skills and time to develop them. Siobhan can blow but she also would need time to diversify and develop. I'm still routing for Crystal and Lee the most. Casey is ok, but not quite star material. Mike will undoubtedly do something after the show...maybe an album...hopefully broadway.

Gotta get ready for bed soon so I'm rested for church. Last Sunday was awesome. We had missed two weeks in a row, and that never feels good. The message was great - about reading the Bible as a worship, not just discipline. Then the time with the kids was forced inside by rainy weather. We played a game inside and got to break into small groups, which is my favorite time. The other girl and I just kept all the girls in one group, rather than two, which I also like. The subject of demonic oppression via night terrors or even while just trying to sleep came up. Very interesting to see who has experienced it and who hasn't. There's fear in those who haven't experienced it, and almost an unhealthy ignorance about it from those who have. I hope it's something we can continue to dialogue about to educate each other and just make sure it's not dealt with alone for anyone.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas! You are blessed and a blessing!

Still looking for my Turtle...

By this time tomorrow...

We'll be back visiting home town Seattle by this time tomorrow (hopefully sleeping at this exact hour, of course). I'm excited but that's not why I'm up. Just was packing tonight and spent some time chattin' it up with my friend that lives near by. Good times.

Apartment update: We got out of the lease for the bad apartment and are already moved in to the awesome apartment! God is so good to us, I am still amazed as if it's for the first time, lol. Praise 'em!

I really should sleep now. just wanted to share.

Good night.

Not much is new

Oh no! I've really been slacking on my blogging. Well, I was sick off and on for all of last week; from a stomach virus, to an apparent cyst rupture, to monthly cramps, I just couldn't win. But other than that just been working 2-4 days a week, and surfing every day my hubby and I are off at the same time. I've been switching back and forth between long and short boards, and I'm definitely not ready for a 6-0 yet. 6-8 has been good. I wanna get a 6-2 in the future I think. We got a used 5-11 ...and did our own custom paint job! I'll post the before and after pics next blog (sooner than later). I'll be dong my longboard too when I decide how to design it: girly or more classic.

I am up late again, and I'll be waking up at 7:30, not too bad, but I'll be tired. I can sleep and sleep and eat and eat lately. It's highly improbable that I'm pregnant, so I'm guessing this will pass this week. Around "that time of the month" these are just a couple of the adjustments I make to my body. Luckily I was off today so I slept in again and got my banana pancakes with a side of corned beef hash **droOOol**.

Been bad at keeping in touch still too, which apparently includes blogging. I sent a postcard out today but now I'm out of stamps - oy! Too lazy to get to the post office, or to the bank to get quarters for laundry. Living on this little island makes you lazy when it comes to distance. A 15 minute drive here is debatable and postponable until completely necessary, lol. Anyways, hopefully I'll get some phone dates lined up with my Seattle ladies this coming week. Word.

♥ a hui hou ♥

I really should be sleeping

I am scheduled to work at 5:30am, which is only 5.5 hours from now, which actually means I have a chance of getting 4.5 hours of sleep at the most at this point. I can't sleep when my husband isn't here. I hate night shifts! It's getting worse for me, trying to sleep and failing until the wee hours of the morning. Not simply because I miss him, but because of course I'm less secure when he's not sleeping next to me, and I really can't explain what other trouble it causes me. I just can't go to sleep until I'm super tired and I knock out hard. Sucks.

And in these wee hours I think and think and think...

I miss home (Seattle). I miss my cat, my family, my friends. I miss my favorite restaurants. I miss my sweat pants and thick blankets. I miss dancing on Wednesday nights, and rehearsing last minute for fun performances. I miss early Saturday meetings & bible studies that always run later than they're supposed to.

I try to deny these things. I can't. I don't want to be ungrateful for the life I have here. I mean, I live in a place that some people wait their whole lives to spend a week or retire here. There's sun, surf, beaches, ocean, palm trees, entertainment, culture. I will miss it when we go back, but home is home, and home is Seattle.

But while I'm here I should be savoring it and diving in. I got the beach and surf part down. And I'm tasting the best of O'ahu I'm sure. I need accountability to get involved in my church, community and some sort of dance scene.

Oh boy, now let's try and sleep...

Sometimes I just have these nights where I won't go to sleep. Not that I'm not tired, but I just don't go to bed. I'll watch shows in the DVR that I've already watched. I'll play the same game (or 3) for hours. I'll multitask on the internet instead of being productive, like reading my books or cleaning up the apartment. Am I being too lazy to move my butt off the couch, to brush my teeth, and change for bed? I think that may be part of it...

So here I am on the couch...

Our couch isn't even that comfortable and yet I've sat here for most of the evening. And I believe that the only reason I'm actually venting this to you now is that I have some couch remorse and that I'm tired enough to ramble without thinking.

So yeah...good night...

P.S.

1) I got my new phone, myTouch: I liiike

2) I got yelled at by a jack@ss surfer: I don't like

3) The new fall season of SYTYCD started: mama like